School of Rock (2003)

Jack Black: Dewey Finn

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Quotes 

• Dewey Finn : Now, what makes you mad more than anything in the world?

  [sees Billy who has his hand raised] 

  Dewey Finn : Billy?

  Billy : You!

  Dewey Finn : Billy, we've already told me off. Let's move on.

  Billy : You're tacky and I hate you!

  Dewey Finn : Okay, you see me after class!

• Dewey Finn : [confesses]  My name is Dewey Finn. And no, I'm not a licensed teacher, but I have been touched by your kids. And I'm pretty sure that I've touched them.

  [the previously calm parents begin murmuring in confusion; Dewey escapes] 

• Dewey Finn : [on sticking it to "The Man"]  Yes! But, you can't just say it, man. You've gotta feel it in your blood and guts! If you wanna rock, you gotta break the rules. You gotta get mad at the man! And right now, I'm the man. That's right, I'm the man, and who's got the guts to tell me off? Huh? Who's gonna tell me off?

  Freddy Jones : Shut the hell up, Schneebly!

  Dewey Finn : That's it Freddy, that's it! Who can top him?

  Alicia : Get outta here, stupid ass!

  Dewey Finn : Yes, Alicia!

  Summer Hathaway : You're a joke! You're the worst teacher I've ever had!

  Dewey Finn : Summer, that is great! I like the delivery because I felt your anger!

  Summer Hathaway : [proudly]  Thank you.

  Lawrence : You're a fat loser and you have body odor.

  Dewey Finn : ...All right, all right! Now, is everybody nice and pissed off?

• Dewey Finn : God of Rock, thank you for this chance to kick ass. We are your humble servants. Please give us the power to blow people's minds with our high voltage rock. In your name, we pray. Amen.

• Dewey Finn : Hey, you've got some everybody wants: You've got talent, girl! You have an incredible singing voice, and I'm not just saying that. You've heard of Aretha Franklin, right?

  [Tomika nods] 

  Dewey Finn : She's a big lady. But when she sings, she blows people's minds. Everyone wants to party with Aretha! And, you know who else has a weight issue?

  Tomika : Who?

  Dewey Finn : Me. But when I get up there and start doing my thing, people worship me! Because I'm sexy! And chubby, man.

  Tomika : Why aren't you on a diet?

  Dewey Finn : Because I like to eat. Is that such a crime? Look, you know what? That's not even the point. The thing is, you're a rock star now. All you gotta do is just go out there and rock your heart out. People are gonna dig you, I swear. Let's go out here and show 'em what you got, what do you say?

• Dewey Finn : [talking to the other teachers at lunch]  Oh, I was this close to getting the Polish Philharmonic and I nailed the audish, but I didn't get it. Guess who did? Yo-Yo Ma's cousin. Little nepotis! Anyway, I just decided to give up and become a teacher, because those that can't do, teach, and those that can't teach, teach gym.

  [the other teachers laugh] 

• Dewey Finn : I pledge allegiance... to the band... of Mr. Schneebly... and will not fight him... for creative control... and will defer to him on all issues related to the musical direction of the band.

• [Billy has just showed his completed stage outfits for Katie and Freddy] 

  Dewey Finn : I don't know... They might be a little distracting...

  Billy : It's glitter rock, and it's glam, and it's fabulous!

  Dewey Finn : Billy, it's just not the right style.

  Billy : Style? You're gonna talk to me about style? You can't even dress yourself! Look at that bow tie!

  Dewey Finn : Don't you be talking about my bow tie!

  Billy : You know what? I give up, they can just wear their uniforms.

  Dewey Finn : [considers]  That's not a bad idea...

• Dewey Finn : Katie, what was that thing you were playing today, the big thing?

  Katie : Cello.

  Dewey Finn : Okay. This is a bass guitar. And it's the exact same thing. But instead of playing it like this, you tip it on the side... cello, you got a bass.

• Dewey Finn : [to the students about his rock project]  It may sound easy, but nothing could be harder. It will test your head, and your mind, and your brain, too.

• [improvising an educational song] 

  Dewey Finn : Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing. So get off your ath, let's do some math. Math, math, math, math, math. Three minus four is?

  Summer Hathaway : Negative one.

  Dewey Finn : That's right. And six times a billion is?

  Marco : Six billion?

  Dewey Finn : Nailed it. And fifty-four is forty-five more than what is the answer, Marta?

  Marta : Nine.

  Dewey Finn : No, it's eight.

  Marta : ...No, it's nine.

  Dewey Finn : ...Yes, I was testing you... it's nine. And that's a magic number.

• Dewey Finn : [half asleep]  How'd you guys get in there?

  Freddy Jones : Front door was open.

  Dewey Finn : Why aren't you guys at school?

  Lawrence : We did what you told us. We stuck it to the Man.

  Dewey Finn : Forget about everything I told you. Look, I'm a loser, okay? You listen to my advice, you'll end up like me with nothing.

  Freddy Jones : Come on, man, quit goofing around. This is serious business. We're on a mission. One great rock show could change the would. Look out the window.

  Dewey Finn : [looks outside to find the school bus with all the other kids calling for him to come down]  No way... That is so punk rock...

• Dewey Finn : [sung to the kids]  In the end of time, there was a man who knew the road. And the writing was written on the stone. In the ancient time, an artist led the way, but no one seemed to understand. In his heart he knew, the artist must be true, but the legend of the rent was way past due! Well you think you'll be just fine without me, but you're mine! You think you can kick me out of the band? Well there's just one problem there. The band is mine! How can you kick me out of what is mine? Well you're not hardcore unless you live hardcore, but the legend of the rent was way hardcore!

• Dewey Finn : I totally screwed up. I told the kids that if they practiced, they'd get into the Battle of the Bands.

  Battle of the Bands director : What'd you tell them that for?

  Dewey Finn : I don't know, I just... I wanted to give them something to look forward to, to keep their spirits up. Look at them.

  [He and the Battle of the Bands director look at the kids, who are faking sick] 

  Dewey Finn : They're terminal. Every last one of them. And all they wanted to do before they bit the dust was play Battle of the Bands.

  Battle of the Bands director : What do they have?

  Dewey Finn : It's a rare blood disease: "Stick-it-to-da-man-neosis".

  Battle of the Bands director : What's that? I've never heard of it.

  Dewey Finn : You're lucky. Because it's hell.

• [Dewey is lounging at his desk] 

  Michelle : Are you going to teach us anything? Or are we just going to sit here?

  Dewey Finn : [mumbles]  Just do whatever you want.

  Summer Hathaway : I want to learn from my teacher.

  Dewey Finn : [loudly]  Besides that! Freddy, what do you like to do?

  Freddy Jones : [drawing flames on the name tag on his desk]  I dunno... burn stuff?

  Dewey Finn : [to the entire class]  Look, just go out and have recess.

  Summer Hathaway : My parents don't spend $15,000 a year for recess.

• Summer Hathaway : Groupie?

  Dewey Finn : What's the matter?

  Summer Hathaway : You want me to be a groupie?

  Dewey Finn : Well, a groupie is an important job.

  Summer Hathaway : I researched groupies on the Internet. They're sluts! They sleep with the band!

  Dewey Finn : No, that's not true! They're like cheerleaders.

  Summer Hathaway : I don't want to be a cheerleader. Look, my mother's a room parent, and she's not gonna be happy when she hears about this.

  Dewey Finn : Okay, I didn't want to say this to you in front of the other kids 'cause I didn't want make them jealous, but I made a special position just for you. And it's the most important job of all: band manager.

• Patty Di Marco : You know, Dewey, it's one thing to throw your life away! But then to put Ned's career in jeopardy is so selfish!

  Dewey Finn : Hey! You're the one who told me to be like Ned and get a job!

  Patty Di Marco : Yeah, yeah, I told you to be like Ned, Dewey! I didn't tell you to be Ned! And you're not gonna even apologize?

  Dewey Finn : YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR CALLING THE COPS! It's not like I murdered anybody! I just wanted a play a great show! I was this close!

  Ned Schneebly : [shouting]  SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Would you both just cut it out for one second?

  [Patty mutters something under her breath, then leaves] 

• Rosalie Mullins : The children just had their lunch. Is there anything else you need?

  Dewey Finn : I'm a teacher. All I need are minds for molding.

  Rosalie Mullins : All right, then. Well, thanks again. You saved the day.

• Dewey Finn : You want me to teach you something? Here's a useful lesson for you: give up. Just quit. Because in this life, you can't win. Yeah, you can try. But in the end, you're just gonna lose, BIG TIME. Because THE WORLD is run by the Man.

  Frankie : Who?

  Dewey Finn : The Man. Oh, you don't know the Man? He's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall, MISS MULLINS, she's the Man. And the Man ruined the ozone, and he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! Okay? And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man, it was called rock 'n roll. But guess what? Oh no. The Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don't waste your time trying to make anything cool, or pure, or awesome, 'cause the Man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just GIVE UP!

• Dewey Finn : [singing their song in the Battle of the Bands]  May I please have the attention of the class: Today's ass-ignment...

  Tomika , Marta , Alicia : ...kick some ass!

• Rosalie Mullins : [about the teachers]  They hate me.

  Dewey Finn : No, they don't.

  Rosalie Mullins : Yes, they do, I can see. I wasn't always like this, you know, I wasn't always wound this tight. There was a time where I was fun. I was funny! I was. But you can't be funny and be the principal of a prep school! No, you cannot. Because when it comes to their kids, these parents have no sense of humor. No. And if something goes wrong, it's my head in the smasher. And these parents will come down on me like a nuclear bomb! I can't make a mistake! I gotta be perfect! And that pressure has turned me into one thing that I never wanted to be!

  Rosalie Mullins : [silently mouthing the words]  A bitch!

  Dewey Finn : No, you're not.

  Rosalie Mullins : Yes, I am. I am a big one!

• Summer Hathaway : [concerned]  What's wrong?

  Dewey Finn : What's wrong, Summer? Didn't you hear? We lost!

  Freddy Jones : Hey, chill out, dude. Rock isn't about getting an A. The Sex Pistols never won anything.

  Lawrence : Don't let the Man get you down.

  Zack Mooneyham : [deeply agrees]  Yeah I mean, dude, you gotta cheer up. We played a kick-ass show.

  Dewey Finn : We did, didn't we? It was unbelievable, wasn't it?

  Summer Hathaway : [deeply agrees]  Yeah.

• Mrs. Lemmons : Would you care to join us, Mr. Schneebly?

  Dewey Finn : Yeah.

  Mrs. Lemmons : Did I say that correctly? "Schneebly"?

  Dewey Finn : Actually, it's "Schnayblay".

• Dewey Finn : [to Zack]  Now raise your goblet of rock! It's a toast to those who rock!

• Dewey Finn : Okay, whose got food in here?

  [none of the class raises a hand] 

  Dewey Finn : You're not gonna get in trouble, I'm hungry.

• Dewey Finn : Look, the first thing you do when you start a band is talk about your influences. That's how you figure out what kind of band you want to be. So who do you like? Blondie?

  Marta : Christina Aguilera.

  Dewey Finn : Who? No. Come on. What? You, Shortstop.

  Leonard : Puff Daddy.

  Dewey Finn : Wrong. Billy?

  Billy : Liza Minnelli?

• Dewey Finn : [assigning positions to the band members]  Lead guitar... Zack Attack. On bass... Posh Spice. On keyboards, Mr. Cool. And on drums, Spazzy McGee. Okay, Blondie, Brace Face, you're singing backup. All right, Tough Guy, Shortstop, Fancy Pants, get over here. You're on security detail.

  Billy : Can I be the band stylist instead?

  Dewey Finn : Of course, you can, Fancy Pants. Okay. Carrot Top, Roadrunner, Turkey Sub, we're gonna have a lot of equipment. We're talking amps, electric guitars, maybe even lasers and smoke machines. Now, your job is to master the transportation and operation of this technology. Seriously. Without a first-rate roadie crew, we'll never have a psychedelic show, and I can't live with that, okay? I'm counting on you, get going, go.

  [looking at Summer, Michelle and Eleni] 

  Dewey Finn : And you three... groupies. And your job is simple, just worship the band. You're gonna be making hats, you're gonna be making T-shirts, all kinds of merchandise, which leads you to your first assignment: Naming the band. All right, sit down. As for me, I will be singing lead vocal and shredding guitar.

• Dewey Finn : [to the students]  Now you played hard in here, people, and I am proud of every last stinking one of you. So let's just give thing everything we got. We may fall on our faces, but if we do, we will fall with dignity! With a guitar in our hands, and rock in our hearts! And in the words of AC/DC: "We roll tonight, to the guitar bite, and for those about to rock, I salute you."

• Dewey Finn : [to the class on his first day]  Okay, Miss Dumbum ain't your teacher today, I am. And I have a headache and the runs. So I say, time for recess!

  Summer Hathaway : But Mr. S, that poster charts everyone's performance. We get gold stars when we master the material covered. How do we get gold stars if we just have recess?

  Dewey Finn : [after looking at the work performance chart poster where Summer has received many gold stars]  What kind of a sick school is this?

• Dewey Finn : [alerted that Miss Mullins is approaching, Dewey starts writing on the chalkboard]  ... And therefore, E=MC2. Oh, Miss Mullins, come in.

  Rosalie Mullins : I'm sorry to interupt but Miss Lemmons said she heard music coming from the classroom.

  Dewey Finn : Music? Uh, music. I haven't heard any music. Uh oh, you know what, Miss Lemmons must be on crack, right, kids?

  Rosalie Mullins : Uh, well, what's that?

  [points at his electric guitar] 

  Dewey Finn : Oh, that. Yeah. We were singing. We were singing and learning. We were learning in sing-song.

• [the crowd is chanting: School of Rock! School of Rock!] 

  Marta : [surprised]  What is that?

  Dewey Finn : [amazed]  It's an encore. They want us to go play another song! It's good! Go, you guys!

  [the kids all shriek and run quickly for the stage] 

  Dewey Finn : Wait, no, no, just the band! Okay, everybody, go!

• Dewey Finn : Miss Mullins, would like to get a cup of coffee with me?

  Rosalie Mullins : You'd like me to get a coffee with you?

  Dewey Finn : Yeah, I would.

  [cuts to a waiter holding beers] 

  Rosalie Mullins : Are you sure you don't sell coffee here?

  Waiter : [in squeaky accent]  Uh-huh, I'm quite sure.

• Dewey Finn : Hey! What's up? Is that a new song? Who's this guy?

  Theo : Dewey, we're taking the Battle of the Bands seriously this year.

  Dewey Finn : Good, because I need the money. Now, listen. My feeling is if we're gonna win this thing, we gotta actually start playing some music.

  Theo : I agree. You're fired.

  Dewey Finn : Your lyrics, now don't take this the wrong way, Theo, are lame. But I've been sitting on some awesome material, so...

  Theo : Dewey, did you hear what I said? We voted. You're out. This is Spider; he's replacing you.

  Spider : What's up, dawg?

  Neil : I was gonna tell you last night, Dewey, but you passed out, man.

  Dewey Finn : Okay, you're gonna kick me out of the band? You're gonna fire me? Well, this is my band. I brought us together.

  Neil : Theo wanted you out. There's nothing I could do.

  Theo : Oh, shut up, man. You voted him out, too. I didn't tell you what to do. Dewey, listen to me. You're a good guitar player, but it's the 20-minute guitar solos, it's the stage dives. We're trying to land a record deal, man, and you're an embarrassment.

  Dewey Finn : [raising his first three fingers]  Read between the lines, Theo. Read between the lines!

  Neil : Dewey, man, I hope this doesn't come between us. Like I care about you, man.

  Dewey Finn : You guys, you know what? You're nuts. You're all nuts. You've been focused so hard on making it, you forgot about one little thing. It's called the music! And I don't even care. You know what? So what? I don't wanna hang out with a bunch of wannabe corporate sellouts. I'm gonna form my own band and we're gonna start a revolution, okay? And you're gonna be a funny little fotenote on my epic ass. I feel sorry for you guys.

• Freddy Jones : Um, are we going to be goofing off like this every day?

  Dewey Finn : Uh, we're not goofing off. We're creating musical fusion.

  Freddy Jones : Well, um, are we going to be creating musical fusion every day?

  Dewey Finn : Yeah, get used to it.

  [Freddy grins as he leaves] 

• Dewey Finn : [to the class on his first day]  All right, look, here's the deal. I've got a hangover. Who knows what that means?

  Frankie : Doesn't that mean you're drunk?

  Dewey Finn : No. It means I was drunk yesterday.

  Freddy Jones : It means you're an alcoholic.

  Dewey Finn : Wrong.

  Freddy Jones : You wouldn't come to work with a hangover unless you were an alcoholic. Dude, you got a disease!

  Dewey Finn : Mmm-hmm. What's your name?

  Freddy Jones : Freddy Jones.

  Dewey Finn : Mmm, Freddy Jones, shut up!

  [Freddy looks irritated as his classmates laugh] 

  Freddy Jones : [quietly]  Shut up.

  Dewey Finn : Point is, y'all can just chill today. We can start on this crap-ola tomorrow.

• Michelle : Mr. S? We came up with some names for the band.

  Dewey Finn : All right, hit me.

  Eleni : The Bumblebees?

  Dewey Finn : No, it's too sissy.

  Eleni : The Koala Bears?

  Dewey Finn : No, what are you talking about? It's too sissy.

  [sees Miss Mullins arriving] 

  Dewey Finn : Hey, Miss Mullins.

  Michelle : How about, Pig Rectum?

  Rosalie Mullins : [shocked]  Michelle!

  Dewey Finn : It's a science project.

• Dewey Finn : [after the kids have chosen non-rock "influences"]  You guys, this project is called "Rock Band"! I'm talking about bands that *rock*. Led Zeppelin!

  [the entire class gives him blank stares] 

  Dewey Finn : Don't tell me you guys have never gotten the Led out. Jimmy Page? Robert Plant? Ring any bells? What about Sabbath? AC/DC? Motorhead?

  [exasperated] 

  Dewey Finn : UGH, WHAT DO THEY TEACH IN THIS PLACE? Summer, you're the class whatever. Go to the board.

  Summer Hathaway : [corrects him]  Factotum.

  Dewey Finn : Factorer. 8:15 to 10, rock history. 10 to 11, rock appreciation in theory. And then band practice till the end of the day.

  Frankie : What about math?

  Dewey Finn : No, not important.

• Dewey Finn : [singing]  Come on, come on, come on, come on / Now, touch me babe, bada bada, can't you see / that I am not afraid, shaga tada! / Lawrence is good at piano / He shall be rocking in my show, shaga tada!

• Rosalie Mullins : The thing is, Mr. Schneebly...

  Dewey Finn : Please... call me Dewey.

  Rosalie Mullins : [confused]  Dewey?

  Dewey Finn : [realising his mistake]  Ned. Ned. I was thinking of my other name. My middle name.

• [Dewey plays the song in the jukebox] 

  Rosalie Mullins : I LOVE THIS SONG!

  Dewey Finn : Really?

  Rosalie Mullins : Yes! Stevie Nicks!

  Dewey Finn : Yeah... Stevie!

  Rosalie Mullins : You know, she came to town and she did a concert and she was just so... wild! Oh my gosh! Oh!

  Dewey Finn : Yeah, she put on the best show I've ever seen. And she is so much better live than she is on the album!

  Rosalie Mullins : Yes, oh my gosh! No comparison!

  Dewey Finn : You know, I'd like to take the kids to a concert.

  Rosalie Mullins : Concert?

  Dewey Finn : There is one at the end of the month... but you have a policy about field trips.

  Rosalie Mullins : Would it be... educational?

  Dewey Finn : Would it be educational? It would be VERY educational. They play Beethoven and Mozart and stuff.

  Rosalie Mullins : Maybe we can make an exception!

  Dewey Finn : YES!

  Rosalie Mullins , Dewey Finn : [singing Stevie Nicks' song while doing a high five]  Sings a song, sounds like she's singing whooo! Baby whoo! Said whooo!

  Rosalie Mullins : Well I went today, maybe I will go again... TOMORROW!

• [during a jam session that takes place over the film's closing credits, Zack performs a "face melter" on his electric guitar. Dewey appears next to him with his face contorted] 

  Dewey Finn : Dude, is my face okay? I think you melted it off! A-ha-ha!

• Dewey Finn : [to the class after seeing their musical talent]  I heard you in music class. You guys can really play.

  [angrily] 

  Dewey Finn : Why didn't anyone tell me?

• Dewey Finn : Uh, how long is the job?

  Rosalie Mullins : My guess is, as much as a few weeks, but we do need somebody to start immediately.

  Dewey Finn : Mmm-hmm. So how much are we talkin' here?

  Rosalie Mullins : We pay our substitutes $650 a week. Now, do you know when Mr. Schneebly will be back?

  Dewey Finn : Hold on a sec... Oh, you know what? I think he's just comin' in right about... NED, PHONE!

  [Dewey plays with the phone cord for a few seconds, as though he passes it] 

  Dewey Finn : [speaks in a deep voice]  Hello, this is Ned Schneebly.

• Rosalie Mullins : Mr. Schneebly... This is considered the best elementary school in the state and we maintain that reputation by adhering a strict code of conduct, faculty including.

  Dewey Finn : You don't have to worry about me because I'm a hard-ass. And if a kid gets out of line, I got no problem smacking them in the head.

  Rosalie Mullins : No, no. We don't use corporal punishment here.

  Dewey Finn : Okay, so just... verbal abuse?

  Rosalie Mullins : If you have any problems with any of your students, send them to me. I will do the disciplining.

• Dewey Finn : Listen! You can't leave. You haven't heard our band.

  Battle of the Bands director : Sorry, the bill is full. We're already overbooked.

  Dewey Finn : No, let us just play one song. We're all here, we're ready to go.

  Battle of the Bands director : [looks at the kids]  Who are they?

  Dewey Finn : They're my band.

  Battle of the Bands director : Kids? What is this, some kind of gimmick?

  Dewey Finn : No, it's not a gimmick. I know, they're kids, but they're awesome. Just listen!

  Battle of the Bands director : Look, thanks for comin' down, but you're really not what we're looking for.

  Dewey Finn : [throws his chair across the floor]  You listen to me! These kids have worked their little fingers to the bone just to play one song for you, so you just sit down, shut up and listen!

  Battle of the Bands director : Sheila, call security.

• Dewey Finn : Come on, man! One show, $20,000 prize, we split it 60-40, grab your bass and come back to the garage, brother! I mean, don't you miss rocking out?

  Patty Di Marco : Dewey, if you think anyone in the right mind is gonna wanna be in a band with you, you're more delusional than I thought.

  Ned Schneebly : Dewey, you know, maybe it's time to give up those dreams. I did, and things are going really great for me.

• Rosalie Mullins : [confronting Dewey after their 'Battle of the Bands' performance, aggressively hugs him and screams both her anger and adulation]  That was INCREDIBLE! Oh my gosh, the light shows, the guitar solos and... What it REALLY you playing?

  Dewey Finn : So are you not mad with me?

  Rosalie Mullins : [venting her anger and adulation]  MAD? I'm FURIOUS! I'm HORRIFIED! But your show and performance was so INCREDIBLE, SPECTACULAR and so AMAZING! You guys were so great, I can't believe it.

• Dewey Finn : Oh man, I would love to take the kids to a concert.

  Rosalie Mullins : Concert?

  Dewey Finn : Yeah. There's one at the end of the month that would be perfect. The philharmonic. They do the classics. They do Beethoven, Mozart... Enya. That kind of stuff.

• Dewey Finn : Does anyone play drums?

  Freddy Jones : I play percussion.

  Frankie : Yeah, that's cause he couldn't play anything else!

  Freddy Jones : Shut up!

• Dewey Finn : [to Ned]  She's got you brainwashed, man.

  Patty Di Marco : [to Dewey]  Can you see that I'm working?

  Dewey Finn : That's terrific. Buy how are you, babe? This is my apartment, babe.

  Patty Di Marco : Uh... Not if you don't pay your rent, it's not. Get a job!

  Dewey Finn : I got a job, okay? I'm gonna have your rent by the end of the week. Go tell the mayor.

• [Dewey is dressed classy for the school presentation he has to give at Horace Green] 

  Ned Schneebly : What are you dressed up for?

  Dewey Finn : I got a hot date.

  Ned Schneebly : [rifling through mail]  That's weird. I got a check from Horace Green Prep for $1,200. I've never worked there.

  [Dewey looks worried as Ned picks up the phone and starts dialing] 

  Dewey Finn : What are you doing?

  Ned Schneebly : Calling the school.

  [speaks into the phone] 

  Ned Schneebly : Hello, this is Ned Schneebly. Um...

  [Dewey breaks the call; Ned eyes him suspiciously] 

  Ned Schneebly : [confused]  Dewey? What's going on?

  Dewey Finn : [quietly frustrated]  I told them fifteen times, MAKE IT OUT TO CASH!

  Ned Schneebly : [hangs up the phone]  Dewey?

  Dewey Finn : [turns back to Ned, embarrassed]  I did something bad, Ned.

  Ned Schneebly : [finally understanding]  No...

  Dewey Finn : Yeah. They called, looking for a sub, and I said I was you, just to make some money. But then I got there, and the kids, they rock, man! There's this kid, Larry who's like,

  [imitating Larry] 

  Dewey Finn : "I'm not cool," and but now he's like...

  [imitating piano] 

  Dewey Finn : And there's this other girl who can sing like...

  [imitating Tomika's vocals] 

  Dewey Finn : But then she thought she was too fat to sing, so they were dying of this rare blood disease, and the principal got drunk. And now we're playing tomorrow at Battle of the Bands! Isn't that great! It's the coolest thing that ever happened! One day, that's all I ask, Ned. And then I will come clean. I'll tell everyone it was my fault, you had nothing to do with it, you'll be fine, one day!

• [last lines] 

  Dewey Finn : All right, that's it. Stop, you guys, stop. Seriously, you guys. All right, take five. Take five. You wanna go? All right. That was a good class.

  Zack Mooneyham : I'll see you, man.

• Dewey Finn : Give me a platform. Let's rock, let's rock, today. Now do it to me.

  Lawrence : Let's rock, let's rock, today.

  Dewey Finn : That's good. Slap it, shoot it, ka-boot it.

• Frankie : What are the rest of us supposed to do?

  Dewey Finn : You just sit back and enjoy the magic of rock.

  Leonard : You mean we're not in the band?

  Dewey Finn : Now, hold up now. Just because you're not in the band, doesn't mean you're not IN the band.

• Rosalie Mullins : I must say, I find your methods of teaching very unusual.

  Dewey Finn : Well, I did study with Dr. Errol Von Sraussenburger... becken.

  Rosalie Mullins : Who?

  Dewey Finn : Oh, you don't know him? Oh, he's, like, one of the leading leaders in... unusual methods.

• [the shy Lawrence approaches Dewey at lunch] 

  Lawrence : Mr. Schneebly?

  Dewey Finn : Yeah? Hey, what's up?

  Lawrence : I don't think I should be in the band.

  Dewey Finn : Why not?

  Lawrence : I'm not cool enough. People in bands are cool. I'm not cool.

  Dewey Finn : Dude, you are cool. The way you play. Why do you say you're not cool?

  Lawrence : Nobody ever talks to me.

  Dewey Finn : Well, those days are over, buddy. You could be the ugliest sad sack on the planet, but if you're in a rocking band, you're the cat's pajamas. You're the bee's knees.

  Lawrence : Bee's knees?

  Dewey Finn : Yeah, the bee's knees. You'll be the most popular guy in school.

  Lawrence : Okay. I'll do it.

  Dewey Finn : Now listen, this is a big commitment. Don't say yes if you're gonna flake out.

  Lawrence : I won't.

  Dewey Finn : Larry... welcome to my world.

• Dewey Finn : [Patty opens the curtains. Dewey wakes up]  What? What is it?

  Ned Schneebly : Dewey, hey, it's the first of the month, and, uh, I would like you to share the rent now, please.

  Dewey Finn : Oh, man! You know I don't have it! You wake me up for that? Come on, man!

  Ned Schneebly : Sorry.

  [Patty glares at Ned fiercely; more sternly] 

  Ned Schneebly : Dewey, I mean, you owe me a lot of money as it is!

  Patty Di Marco : Yeah, try 2200 dollars!

  Dewey Finn : Okay, you guys, the band is about to hit it big time. We're gonna win Battle of the Bands, and when I'm rolling in the Benjamins, I will throw you like a dog with a bone. Good night!

  Patty Di Marco : Oh, GIVE IT UP! YOUR BAND HAS NEVER MADE TWO CENTS!

  Ned Schneebly : Patty, come on! I'm on this!

  Patty Di Marco : Oh, you're on this? You're on this? He's walking all over you!

  Dewey Finn : Mommy, could we please talk about this later?

  Patty Di Marco : Uh, no, we can't talk about it later, because Ned and I have to go to work. We have jobs. We contribute to society, all right? I'm an assistant to the mayor of this city, "hello"!

  Dewey Finn : What? Can you get her out of here, please? Why? Why her?

  Patty Di Marco : And Ned has the most important job there is.

  Dewey Finn : Temping?

  Ned Schneebly : [aggravated]  Dewey, a substitute teacher is not a temp!

  Dewey Finn : [sarcastically]  He's a babysitter!

  Ned Schneebly : Oh, yeah, you think it's so easy? I'd like to see you try. You would've last one day!

  Dewey Finn : Dude, I service society by rocking, okay? I'm out there on the front lines liberating people with my music! Rocking ain't no walk in the park, lady!

  Patty Di Marco : All right, this is useless, all right? You tell him that if he doesn't come up with the rent by the end of the week, he's out of here!

  Ned Schneebly : Dewey, I'm not paying your share of the rent, so... I don't know, I mean, maybe you should sell one of your guitars or something.

  Dewey Finn : What? Would you tell Picasso to sell his guitars?

  Patty Di Marco : Oh, my God, he's an idiot!

  Dewey Finn : Dude, I've been mooching off here for years, and it's never been a problem until she showed up. Just dump her, man!

  Ned Schneebly : Yeah, well, if you don't come up with some money, she's gonna dump me. She's fed up.

  Dewey Finn : Oh, really? Because that would be a good thing! She's a nightmare!

  Ned Schneebly : Come on! I may never have another girlfriend! Just come on! Come up with some money, please! Please!

  Dewey Finn : Okay, for you. Not for her, man, for you.

  Ned Schneebly : [calmly]  Thank you.

• [Dewey and Rosalie arrive at Horace Green for Parents Night] 

  Dewey Finn : Okay, I don't think I can go in there.

  Rosalie Mullins : What's wrong?

  Dewey Finn : Roz... I'm not a teacher.

  Rosalie Mullins : Oh, Ned, a substitute is a teacher.

  Dewey Finn : No, no, I'm not a teacher. I'm a fraud.

  Rosalie Mullins : [disagrees]  No! You're not! You're a dedicated, talented teacher, and those parents are gonna love you! Now, just get in there, and tell those parents what you've been teaching their kids.