Scary Movie 4 (2006)

Craig Bierko: Tom

Photos 

Quotes 

• Robbie : Dad, talk to me! What's happening?

  Tom Ryan : There's no time to explain.

  [a man runs past the window, screaming] 

  'Alien Attack!' : Alien attack!

  Tom Ryan : Well, actually, that about sums it up.

• [From Trailer] 

  Tom Ryan : [after hitting Cindy with a baseball]  Oh, hey, I'm sorry!

  Cindy Campbell : Oh, it's okay. I've taken balls to the face before.

• Tom Ryan : Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feeling like a zombie!

  C. J. : Yo, don't joke about zombies. That shit there - that's real.

  Mahalik : Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street?

  C. J. : Yeah.

  Mahalik : She told me that she heard a zombie going through her trash the other day. The next morning, she turned up missing.

  Tom Ryan : Uh...

  C. J. : [C.J. interrupts]  What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"?

  Mahalik : 'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there!

  Tom Ryan : Guys, I'm trying to ask...

  C. J. : [C.J. interrupts again]  So you telling me that you can appear and disappear at the same time.

  Mahalik : No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The bitch ain't David Copperfield!

  Tom Ryan : Uh, guys...

  C. J. : [C.J. interrupts yet again]  Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missing. And when you're missing, you never turn up.

  Mahalik : Unless... you a zombie.

  C. J. : Damn! Hey, that's some plausible shit right there. You should blog about that.

  Mahalik : I'm gonna put that on MySpace.

  C. J. : You do that!

• [Unrated Version] 

  Tom Ryan : I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.

  Cindy Campbell : I did. What exactly is an "cock monger"?

  Tom Ryan : That's not important right now.

• Tom Ryan : [his car is getting attacked by a mob]  Don't worry kids. The doors are locked. There's no possible way they can

  [a punch flies through the window and dazes him] 

  Tom Ryan : build the robot out of chocolate. But, that's just common sense. Oh, waiter!

• Tom Ryan : [Puts gun down the back of his pants and it goes off]  Ow! My ass.

  [Puts gun down the front of his pants and it goes off] 

  Tom Ryan : Penis!

• Cindy Campbell : That last lightning bolt smelled like...

  Rachel : ...A giant turd...

  Tom Ryan : Yeah... the lightning...

• Marilyn : [Tom pulls up in his car]  Late again, Tom.

  Tom Ryan : Hey, Marilyn.

  Marilyn : I thought you were moving.

  Tom Ryan : Oh, it's all I could afford right now. You took everything in the divorce except my name.

  Marilyn : No, actually, the judge granted me that yesterday. You're now officially known as "Horace P. MacTitties."

• Oliver : We gotta find a way to take out these tripods. I heard that the Japs took out a few of 'em over in Kikkoman.

  Tom Ryan : Kikkoman. That's- That's a soy sauce.

  Oliver : Right, yeah. Low sodium.

• Tom Ryan : Hey, you look great for being pregnant.

  Marilyn : I'm not pregnant!

• Cindy Campbell : Last night I saw a face.

  Tom Ryan : Did it have a nose?

  Cindy Campbell : Well... yeah.

  Tom Ryan : That does sound like a face.

• Tom Ryan : [after finding Michael Jackson]  Run away kids! Run towards the tri-pods if you have to!

• Tom Ryan : [singing weakly to his daughter]  You want this money, then you gotta be a bad bitch...

• Tom Ryan : Its Locked

  [Robbie Kicks The Door Down To Get In] 

• Tom Ryan : I'm not a very good father. Just ask my son.

  Cindy Campbell : I did. What exactly is a "taint-licker"?

  Tom Ryan : That's not important right now.

• Jigsaw : I call it, "the nutcracker".

  Tom Ryan : Why?

• Tom Ryan : I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.

  Cindy Campbell : I did. What exactly is an "Ass Clown"?

  Tom Ryan : That's not important right now.

• Tom Ryan : [a football just hit Cindy]  Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

  Cindy Campbell : [Raspy voice]  It's okay. My throat cushioned the blow.

• Cindy Campbell : It looks like we have a lot in...

  Tom Ryan : ...common.

  Cindy Campbell : We're already finishing each other's...

  Tom Ryan : ...dinner!

  Cindy Campbell : ...sentences.

• Tom Ryan : [in the TriPod]  They've taken everyone. Young and old, rich and poor, and Chingy.