Two and a Half Men (2003–2015)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Alan Harper : Okay, name 3 things you would change about me.

  Charlie : Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

• Alan Harper : Who is Alan Harper?

  Charlie : That's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot.

• Rose : [this is Charlie's last appearance in the entire series]  I think that's everything.

  Charlie : What'd you tell your husband?

  Rose : I didn't have to tell him anything. He's in New York for a big fashion show.

  Charlie : Perfect. So what kind of clothes does he design anyway?

  Rose : Men's sports wear mostly.

  Charlie : Anything I might like?

  Rose : No, it's more the kind of stuff Alan would wear.

  Charlie : Oh. So, tacky.

  Rose : I think I left my raincoat in the bedroom.

  Charlie : I'll get it.

  Rose : Oh, thanks.

  [realizes he might find out about the mannequinn] 

  Rose : Uh-oh.

  Charlie : [opens the closet and sees the mannequinn in front of him]  Whoa! I guess the guy brings his work home with him.

  [takes a closer look at the clothes] 

  Charlie : Yep. Tacky.

  [grabs Rose's raincoat] 

  Charlie : I got it!

• Charlie : [repeated line, whenever he's put in a sticky situation]  Whoa...

• Alan Harper : [they are just about to sleep]  You want to watch porn first?

  Charlie : No!

  Alan Harper : Why not?

  Charlie : I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?

• Charlie : [repeated line, when he senses trouble]  Oh boy.

• Evelyn Harper : We are at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!

  Charlie : Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

• Charlie : You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3: "Knocking Down the Wall".

  Alan Harper : Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled "Bite Me". Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".

• [repeated line] 

  Charlie : That ship has sailed.

• Charlie : [to Jake]  It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter.

  [Jake looks at him with disdain] 

  Charlie : Wow, I *do* suck.

• [scrolling through contact list] 

  Charlie : [sings alphabet]  A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H... Hookers! Hookers, hookers, hookers...

• Alan Harper : Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

  Charlie : Pull.

• Charlie : [on Jake]  How can I be blackmailed by Forrest Gump?

• Alan Harper : A movie would be fine.

  Charlie : All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

  Jake Harper : There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arrrr"!

  [Alan and Charlie doesn't laugh and just stare at him] 

• Berta : Hey, Charlie?

  Charlie : Yeah.

  Berta : When did you become a bitch?

• [repeated line] 

  Charlie : What the hell are you doing?

• Charlie : [repeated line, when someone says something dumb]  Hellooo?

• [repeated line] 

  Charlie : She/He's not coming back.

• [repeated line] 

  Charlie : Get out.