Team America: World Police (2004)
Matt Stone: Chris, George Clooney, Danny Glover, Ethan Hawke, Additional Voices
Photos
Quotes
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[repeated line]
Matt Damon : Matt Damon.
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Spottswoode : Team, if the Derkaderkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be 911 times a thousand.
Sarah : Jesus, you mean...?
Spottswoode : Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
Chris : Well forget all these assholes! We have work to do!
Spottswoode : Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!
Gary Johnston : My acting? My ACTING?
Gary Johnston : [rises from the steps] My acting just got a thousand people killed! Jesus, I've done it again!
Spottswoode : Pull yourself together, Gary! We need you now more than ever!
Gary Johnston : I'm through with this!
Spottswoode : Gary, you can't go! Without you the team is doomed! Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".
Intelligence : [pause] Yes, there is.
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Chris : Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
Gary Johnston : What's your problem with me?
Chris : Yeah, you wanna go?
Joe : Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!
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News Reporter : Team America has once again pissed off the entire world by blowing up half of Cairo
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Joe : One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.
[looks through binoculars]
Gary Johnston : [waving the distress signal towards Joe and Chris] It's me! It's me!
Joe : Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
Chris : Smart-ass motherfucker!
[fires missile at terrorist jeep]
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Gary Johnston : Wait! Hold on! Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theater! Have Sarah and Joe lock on to...
Gary Johnston : [he's kicked in the face and falls away backwards] Oof!
Tim Robbins : [drops down from the ceiling] GRRRRR!
Chris : Gary!
[Martin Sheen knocks him out with a wrench]
Tim Robbins : [shouts] Actors Ho!
Helen Hunt : Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson : Samuel Jackson!
Matt Damon : Matt Damon!
[a bit slurred, like a speech impediment. Gary gets up, only to be kicked in the face by Samuel Jackson]
Samuel L. Jackson : Motherfucker!
[Helen Hunt kicks Chris in the face]
Spottswoode : Gary, Chris, come in!
[no response]
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Chris : If you betray us, I'll rip your fuckin' balls off and stuff them up your ass. So, the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls!
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Chris : [Gary and Chris had entered and saw an actress tied up] Susan Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon : Oh, thank God. We have to stop the ceremony. Kim Jong II is mad. Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theater is.
Chris : All right.
Gary Johnston : [interrupting] No, Chris, stay away from her.
Chris : Fuck you! She wants to help us.
Gary Johnston : [calmly] No, Chris! She's acting.
Susan Sarandon : I am not. The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along with their plans.
Susan Sarandon : Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
Gary Johnston : You shall die a peasant's death!
[she starts to get up and using her guns to kill them but Gary shot her and fall to death]
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Kim Jong Il : It will be 911 times 2356.
Chris : My God, that's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il : Nobody does!
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Chris : [not moving] I was nineteen years old when the musical Cats came to our town.
[Gary stops and listens]
Chris : I couldn't wait to see it. After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control. Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but, Rumpleteazer held me down, and... I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.
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Chris : Bad news Tim Robbins... I'm a smoker!
[he throws his cigarette and it causes an explosion killing Tim Robbins]
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[last lines]
Lisa : Wait a minute! Look!
[a cockroach crawls out of Kim Jong-Il's mouth and towards a spaceship]
Kim Jong Il : You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong-Il! I will return! You shall see. I will be back!
[enters spaceship and launches out of the palace]
Kim Jong Il : So rong, Earthrings!
Gary Johnston : We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il!
Chris : All right, you guys. I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.
Gary Johnston : Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.
Lisa : Fuck, yeah.
Gary Johnston : Fuck, yeah.
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Chris : Surprise, cockfags!
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Chris : I'll drill two holes through your dick so that when you pee it shoots out in all different directions.
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[repeated line]
Matt Damon : MATT DAMON!
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Chris : All right, we fuckin' did it.
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Chris : If there's a world left when this is all over, I'd like to buy you a beer.
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Helen Hunt : I'm... Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson : Samuel L. Jackson!
Matt Damon : [stupidly] Mmmaaattt Dammmmmooonnnn!
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Gary Johnston : I had to come back. C'mon team, let's go!
Joe : Wait a second, can we really trust you?
Chris : Yeah, why the fuck should we trust you, you douchebag?
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Chris : Jesus tittyfucking Christ dude, i could have sworn she was telling the truth!
Gary Johnston : That's why they call it acting.
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Chris : Oh, come on, Sarah, you mean you never realized Joe has feelings for you?
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[Backstage. Alec Baldwin paces the floor]
A Page : Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin!
Alec Baldwin : Thank you.
[Tim Robbins and Martin Sheen rush in]
Martin Sheen : Alec! We have a problem!
Tim Robbins : Team America escaped!
Alec Baldwin : WHAT? You FOOLS! They'll ruin everything!
Helen Hunt : We'd better warn everyone; they'll be headed here!
Alec Baldwin : No! We can't look weak and powerless! If violence is all those bastards understand, then violence they'll get! EVERY ACTOR GRAB A GUN AND KEEP TEAM AMERICA FROM REACHING THIS CEREMONY AT ALL COSTS!
Sean Penn : K'PLA!
Janeane Garofolo , Liv Tyler , Samuel L. Jackson , George Clooney : K'PLA!
Tim Robbins : [slowly, with determination] I swear, they won't reach this stage!
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Chris : Suprise cock fags!
