Martin Short: Jack Frost
Photos
Quotes
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Mother Nature : Jack, you are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii. You made it snow in the Amazon. And you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese north for the winter.
Jack Frost : Oh.
[scoffs]
Mother Nature : You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.
Jack Frost : Excuse me. Did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious?
Scott Calvin : Oh, please.
Jack Frost : Guilty as charged.
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Jack Frost : [to Scott] You get the soda cans and you get the TV specials and you get the postage stamps and the billboards and the beautiful adoring wife and the army of toy-building yes men. What do I get? A few runny noses and some dead citrus.
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Elf pianist : [playing "Theme from New York, New York" in an pleasingly expert but slightly "cheesy" honky-tonk style, indicating how Christmas at the Pole has deteriorated to the point where the traditional innocent childhood wonder and wholesome magic of the season is all but gone, and has become debauchedly commercialized and chintzy] Dunp-dunp, dye-duh-dunpuh; dunp-dunp, dye-duh-dunpuh; dunp-dunp, dye-duh-dunp, dunnh...
Jack Frost : [in a ridiculously loud booming tone and bombastic self-important style that makes him look like an overgrown puffed-up idiot] Start spreadin' th' news... by jet or by sleighhhh... You wanna be a part of it - - North Pole, North Pole... You snooze and you loooose... so come here to PLAYYYY... here at the VERY HEART OF IT - - North Pole, North Pole... come see the SNOWMAN... up where NO MAN's without a treeeeat... And watch this KING OF THE CHILL - - HA! - - turn up the heeeeat... Ah-those-ah summuhtime bluuuues... are MELTing awayyyy... although it's FIFTY-FIVE BELOW... at Polar Norrrth... You'll zip your - - PARKA tight... sugar plum dreams - - LATE AT night... It's all for YOU - - North Pole, North Pole. You'll wanna WAKE UP in the RESORT that never sleeeeeps... and watch this king of the chill, in perfect control, DOing his THING at the TOP of the POLE... If you can MAKE IT HERE... the world's all... CHRISTMAS CHEER...
Elf pianist : [groans at the absurdity of this last statement, since he and the other elves are feeling anything but cheerful with Jack Frost in charge]
Jack Frost : - - holiday GOLD... North POLE... NOOOORRRTH POLLLLLE!
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Jack Frost : [appearing as the new Santa] Nice to see you, mon frère. I've been waiting. Has it been 12 years already?
Scott Calvin : Frost. What have you done?
Jack Frost : Hey. Easy does it, Armani man. No hello? Love what you've done with the place?
[over P.A. system]
Jack Frost : Shave a reindeer for five dollars.
Scott Calvin : Hey, Frost. Frost, what about the secret of Santa? How could you do this to the North Pole?
Jack Frost : The whole thing is way too much work, way too much pressure. Besides, no one even thanks you for all the effort.
Scott Calvin : What do you mean no thank yous? What about all the plates of cookies and the milk?
Jack Frost : Please, I'm cleansing.
[chuckling]
Jack Frost : So I stopped the whole toy delivery nonsense, and I brought anyone who could afford to pay right up here. Who needs magic? Who needs to be crawling on roofs and chimneys?
[deep breath]
Jack Frost : I got everything I need right here.
Scott Calvin : Look around you. This is not how the North Pole is supposed to be. You know this is wrong.
Jack Frost : [sighs and pulls out a commemorative pen] Why don't you chill out and enjoy the swag, huh?
Scott Calvin : [takes the pen] This junk is not what Christmas is about.
Jack Frost : Hey. You're the one who gave it all up.
Scott Calvin : Because you tricked me.
Jack Frost : Tricked you? Give me a break.
Scott Calvin : I didn't know you had my snow globe.
Jack Frost : Maybe not, but who said, "I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?
Scott Calvin : What?
[surreptitiously turns on the commemorative pen]
Jack Frost : [a trifle impatiently] I said, "Who said 'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?" Rudolph? Rudolph's mama?
Scott Calvin : Frost, switch back with me. Now's your chance.
Jack Frost : And this is your chance to enjoy the show.
[to the security guard]
Jack Frost : Security.
Security Guard : Yes, sir.
Jack Frost : Take my guest to his seat, won't you? Thanks so much.
Security Guard : Come on, let's go.
Jack Frost : [over P.A. system] Tickets on sale now for the 6:00 elf toss.
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Jack Frost : [after Santa's pants catch on fire] Is there anything I can do to help?
Scott Calvin : Yeah, put a chill on my bottom, will ya?
Jack Frost : [turns his head away slowly]
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Jack Frost : [returning to reality after not being Santa] Well, that didn't work out the way I had hoped.
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Jack Frost : Get this through your head. You're not Santa anymore. You're just a guy who smells like a cookie.
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Jack Frost : I invented chill!
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Bud Newman : [after putting out an oven fire] What's the matter with you people? Don't you realize you were an inch away from Armageddon?
Jack Frost : I'll get a mop!
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Jack Frost : Hey Curtis, I haven't seen the bearded wonder around recently - - where'd he go?
Curtis : [breezily, while nonchalantly polishing the windshield of his snowmobile with a rag of sports lube] None of your ski's wax.
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Jack Frost : [recording played of Jack mocking Calvin] I wish I'd never been Santa at all.
Scott Calvin : [mocking Jack's earlier arrogance] Now who said that? Rudolph? Rudolph's MAMA?
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Jack Frost : [over P.A. system] Kids, remember how much your parents love you depends on how much they spend on your present!
[laughs maniacally]
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Scott Calvin : [after Jack orchestrated situations to make Scott think he must resign to make things better] It's over. I thought I had a second chance at having a family, but I blew it again.
Jack Frost : Hey. There's no one I know who could possibly hold this all together but you.
Scott Calvin : But I didn't. My in-laws resent me, Christmas is a disaster, and my pregnant wife wishes that she never had met me.
Jack Frost : You know, I - I was gonna wait until tomorrow to give you this, but, uh, heh, I - I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up now.
[pulls up his present to Scott]
Scott Calvin : I can't.
Jack Frost : Come on. Open it.
Scott Calvin : I don't feel like it, Jack.
Jack Frost : Oh, come on. Go ahead, it'll make you feel better.
Scott Calvin : I don't feel like it, Jack.
Jack Frost : Come on, you just open it, please.
Scott Calvin : Thanks.
Jack Frost : So are there times when you wonder...
Scott Calvin : Wonder what?
Jack Frost : If this was even...
Scott Calvin : Worth it?
[scoffs]
Scott Calvin : More than you know.
Jack Frost : [nods] Tonight's one of these times, huh?
Scott Calvin : Wish I'd never put that red coat on.
Jack Frost : So... you wish you'd never become Santa at all?
Scott Calvin : [scoffs] I wish I'd never become Santa.
Jack Frost : At all?
Scott Calvin : At all. At all.
[opens his present]
Scott Calvin : Yeah, at all. I wished I'd never been Santa at all. Happy?
[notices he's holding his snow globe which starts to glow]
Jack Frost : I am now.
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Jack Frost : [floundering about in a deep pile of jumbled presents after having been body-blocked off the stage by Santa] Argh! I'm gonna KICK THE COAL outta whoever did that!
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[Carol cries over her broken glass star tree topper]
Sylvia Newman : Oh, honey.
Scott Calvin : Honey, I think maybe I can fix that. I know you're upset.
Bud Newman : Oh, you picked up on that, did you?
Scott Calvin : Bud, what is that supposed to mean?
Bud Newman : Well, maybe if you weren't working all the time, you would know.
Scott Calvin : Well, maybe you don't understand the pressure I'm under.
Bud Newman : Well, maybe it's not as bad as being ripped away from your family and told you can't see them anymore.
Mrs. Claus : Dad.
Scott Calvin : Well, maybe that's why I invited you up here, Bud. So Carol can be surrounded by her family for love and support, while I try to do things you can't even imagine. But rather than try to makes things work, it seems like you're trying to make things worse.
Bud Newman : That's it. We're leaving.
Mrs. Claus : What?
Sylvia Newman : Maybe we shouldn't have come.
Scott Calvin : Maybe you're right. Maybe you shouldn't have come.
Mrs. Claus : Maybe I should never have come either.
[Scott gets frustrated and it's like he's about to say something. Jack rushes up to him]
Jack Frost : Don't say anything you'll regret.
[Carol leaves to sit down]
Jack Frost : I think we all need to cool down for a second. Huh?
[to Scott]
Jack Frost : Why don't you and I take a walk? Come on. Let's go. Let's just go.
[Scott and Jack leave as Carol's parents comfort her]
Sylvia Newman : Oh, sweetheart.
[Jack pulls out his present to Scott as they walk away]
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Jack Frost : [over P.A. system] Shave a reindeer for five dollars.
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Jack Frost : [over P.A. system] Tickets on sale now for the 6:00 elf toss.
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Jack Frost : [after putting on Santa's suit] Adios, fatty!
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Jack Frost : [struggling with Scott in the past to get the Santa coat back] I want the coat!
Scott Calvin : Why? 'Cause you make such a good Santa? Because all the elves love you? All those people you took money from, they love you? Listen to me, listen to me.
[Jack pants in frustration]
Scott Calvin : Being Santa's not something you could take. It's something that chooses you.
Scott Calvin (1994) : [puts on the coat and asks young Charlie] Well... how do I look? Nice?
Scott Calvin : And you're too late.
[lets go of Jack]
Scott Calvin : [a moment of suspenseful music plays in the background]
Jack Frost : [yells as he begins to magically go back to the original timeline] Noooooooo!
[Scott happily prepares to magically go home]
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Curtis : [taps Scott's shoulder] Excuse me, sir.
Scott Calvin : Curtis.
Curtis : Yes, sir. Can I offer you two tickets for a turn to build a toy with Santa's elves?
Scott Calvin : No.
Curtis : Plus, I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.
Scott Calvin : What is that?
Curtis : Which is voice-enhanced.
[records his voice on the pen]
Curtis : Will that be cash or credit card, sir?
[plays back his recording]
Curtis : Will that be cash or credit card, sir?
Scott Calvin : That's silly.
Curtis : And if you're still not sure, I'll even throw in a pass for the nice list.
Scott Calvin : The nice list?
Curtis : Walk with me, won't you?
Scott Calvin : Curtis, it's me.
[sees the nice list kiosk]
Scott Calvin : Oh, for the love of candy canes, what have you done here?
Curtis : Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk. The line ends over there by the reindeer petting zoo.
Scott Calvin : Wait a minute? You mean parents pay to have their kids put on the nice list? That's not right. I better change things back the way they were. Who's your boss?
[stammering]
Scott Calvin : Where's Frost?
[yells]
Scott Calvin : Curtis, where's Frost?
Curtis : Security!
Scott Calvin : Bring Frost out here right now!
Jack Frost : I'll take care of him.
[Jack Frost appears as Santa]
