Knocked Up (2007)

Jonah Hill: Jonah

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jay : Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!

  Jonah : What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!

• Jonah : Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?

  Martin : Oh, another beard joke?

  Jonah : How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?

  Martin : It was really awkward.

  Jonah : See ya... Scorcese on coke.

• Jonah : We got pinkeye.

  Ben Stone : Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?

  Jason : Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.

  Jay : Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere.

  Pete : You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?

  Jonah : Totally!

  Pete : That's awesome!

  Jonah : Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?

  Martin : No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.

• Jonah : I won't say it but it rhymes with shmashmortion.

• Jonah : Dude, I didn't go to Yale to work 24 hours a day.

  Jason : Dude, you went to a city college.

  Jonah : I went where I went, alright?

• Jason : You stay here.

  Martin : Why?

  Jason : Cause your face looks like a vagina.

  Martin : Dick!

  Jonah : How's it going Crockett, been hanging with Tubbs lately?

  Martin : Come on man, I'm getting it from all angles here, I really don't like it anymore.

  Jonah : I know, me either. Was it weird when you changed your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?

  Martin : Yeah, it was really awkward.

  Jonah : All right, see you later Scorcese on coke.

  Jay : [Makes a roar like Chewbacca from Star Wars] 

  Martin : What the fuck was that?

  Jay : You know, Chewbacca.

  Martin : Oh, another beard joke.

  Jay : [walks away, embarrassed]  Fuck.

  Martin : Fucking hilarious!

• Jay : You're embarrassing me in company!

  Jonah : You embarrass yourself!

• Jay : Dude, I think he's doing the dice thing too much.

  Jonah : That's really all he's got.

• Martin : Do you ever get so bored, you just stare at your balls?

  Jonah : I bet you do, late John Lennon.

• Jonah : I can't believe you didn't fucking wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?

  Jason : Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use 'em, man?

  Jonah : I can't believe you did this. You fucked everything up.

  Jason : The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity.

  Jonah : Well that's true. Everyone knows that.

  Jason : What goes up must come down.

• Jonah : Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.

• Jonah : Hey, Jay, do you use that Canadian leaf tattoo as like a cum target? How many points do you get for hitting the stem? Like a million.

• Jonah : She like-a the way your dick taste.

• Jonah : I'm going to murderball you!

• Jonah : [slamming the ball and winning the point at Ping-Pong]  Fuck off!

  Jason : Yeah, well, you still have a little dick, Cartman.

• Jay : Hey, you know I always

  [makes masturbating motion] 

  Jay : go right.

  Jonah : Right... into a dude's ass