- Roger the Alien: You know, we can't all look like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies, Francine.
- Roger the Alien: Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing cause that's a giant load of crap.
- Hayley Smith: Ya know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies can come up with a fun new system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear!
- Stanley Smith: Do you like shaving your armpits, Hayley? 'Cause when the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go!
- Stanley Smith: Hillary, look out for the mine!
- [Explosion]
- Stanley Smith: What did I say? You heard me, what did I say?
- Steve Smith: You said look out for the mine.
- Stanley Smith: I said look out for the mine.
- Hayley Smith: What do you know about Henry Kissinger?
- Roger the Alien: Well, I know he was a Jew, but if you get me some Churros, I can stretch that out to 500 words easy.
- Roger the Alien: Oh, no, not my Frankenberry! Oh, Francine, be reasonable!
- [he crashes through the table, sending breakfast items everywhere]
- Roger the Alien: Oh, great. I've got a bear claw in my ass.
- Hayley Smith: You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control.
- Stanley Smith: You know what I have to say to that?
- [pauses]
- Stanley Smith: Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.
- Stanley Smith: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
- Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
- Stanley Smith: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years.
- [starts chugging down pills]
- Principal Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
- Stanley Smith: I see.
- [foam starts coming out of his mouth]
- Stanley Smith: Henry, antidote.
- Newspaper Headline: Democratic Party Missing: Feared Dead
- Stanley Smith: Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.
- [shouts]
- Stanley Smith: So look sharp!
- Hayley Smith: [Stan shoots up the toaster the second it pops up] It's just toast, Dad.
- Stanley Smith: This time it was toast, Haley. THIS time.