- Cliff Clavin: All right, I got it, I got it. The worst possible way to die: to be eaten alive by rats.
- Norm Peterson: Naw, I think I can do better than that. I'd say the worst way to die is to be sliding down a razor banister, OK? A greased razor banister.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Wait, I've got it. To die alone, knowing that you have never been loved.
- Norm Peterson: Come on Frasier, if you're not even going to try...
- Carla LeBec: Woody, what time is it?
- Woody Boyd: Don't go by my watch. I always set it ten minutes ahead so I won't be late for things.
- Carla LeBec: You were late this morning.
- Woody Boyd: Yeah, I know. I couldn't find my watch.
- [Carla has received a bouquet of roses, supposedly from Eddie]
- Rebecca Howe: Oh, why can't more men send flowers?
- Sam Malone: I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.
- Rebecca Howe: I said "more men", not "Mormons".
- Sam Malone: I know they can't dance.
- Norm Peterson: No Sammy, that's the, ah, that's the Amish.
- Sam Malone: Why can't Mormon's send flowers?
- Rebecca Howe: They can.
- Sam Malone: What are you talking about?
- Rebecca Howe: I just wish some one would send me some damn roses.
- Sam Malone: Why does it have to be a Mormon?
- Rebecca Howe: [exasperated] Oh!
- Sam Malone: Some people you just can't discuss religion.
- Carla LeBec: Hey everybody. Listen up. I want you all to repeat after me: 'I am a very stupid person.'
- Everyone in the Bar: I am a very stupid person.
- Carla LeBec: 'And I will never doubt the undying love and total commitment that exists, always has existed, and will always exist, between Carla and Eddie LeBec.'
- [long pause]
- Everyone in the Bar: I am a very stupid person.
- Marge: Say, aren't you Sam Malone?
- Sam Malone: Guilty as charged.
- Marge: Small world. Marge Thornhill here. Don't you remember me?
- Sam Malone: Ah, boy, you know, I can't quite place the face. Where did we meet?
- Marge: Oh well, we didn't actually meet, but I know you remember me. I went to every home game you ever played.
- Sam Malone: Ah, Marge, there are a lot of people up in the stands there.
- Marge: Sure, but you got to remember me. I always sat behind first base, five rows up, remember? I used to get there early so that I could watch you warm up in the bullpen.
- Sam Malone: I'm sorry.
- Marge: I know you couldn't forget this.
- Marge: [stands up and yells] "Hey Malone, you pitch like my sister. Why don't you go home and make a dress!"
- Sam Malone: [affectionately] Was that you? Well, how have you been? Guys, guys, I want you... Do the one where you say I couldn't get the ball across the plate if I drove it there in my car.
- Marge: No, no, that was then, and this is now. By the way, I'm really sorry for all those shots I gave you over the years. No hard feelings?
- Sam Malone: No, of course not, it's all part of the game.
- Marge: [raises the martini Sam made for her in toast] You're a real sport, Malone.
- Marge: [tastes the martini then stands up and yells] You call this a martini? What did you use for vermouth, turpentine?
- Sam Malone: [to Norm] The great ones never lose it.