Cheers (TV Series)

Diane's Perfect Date (1983)

Ted Danson: Sam Malone

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Quotes 

• [Diane and Walter have just returned to the bar after a weekend-long date] 

  Walter Franklin : [to Diane]  Why don't you introduce me to your co-workers. I'm sure they'd get a bang out of this.

  Diane Chambers : [obviously embarrassed]  Oh, I don't really think that...

  [Sam approaches Diane and Walter] 

  Diane Chambers : Oh, hello, Sam. Walter Franklin, Sam Malone.

  Sam Malone : [as the two men shake hands]  How do you do.

  Walter Franklin : Ten.

  Diane Chambers : [in answer to Sam's confused look about what Walter just said]  Uh, he's able to tell you instantly how many letters there are in any sentence you say.

  Walter Franklin : Sixty-six.

  Sam Malone : That's quite a gift.

  Walter Franklin : Fifteen. Been at it all weekend.

  Sam Malone : How many days did it seem like?

  Walter Franklin : Twenty-four.

  Diane Chambers : Listen, Walter, I have to go to work now. Thanks again for a lovely weekend.

  Walter Franklin : Two sentences, thirty and twenty-eight.

  Diane Chambers : Stop doing that Walter.

  Walter Franklin : Nineteen.

  Diane Chambers : [immediately and angrily]  I mean it!

  Walter Franklin : Seven. Really, that's enough of this now. I better get going. Goodbye, Diane. Nice seeing you, Sam.

  Sam Malone : Yeah.

  Walter Franklin : Four.

  Sam Malone : By the way, Walter...

  Walter Franklin : Fourteen. Ah, yes, Sam, what is it?

  Sam Malone : How was Diane on a scale of a hundred?

  Walter Franklin : Twenty-nine.

• [Sam and Diane are arguing about their choices of dates] 

  Sam Malone : At least my dates don't count the number of letters in sentences.

  Diane Chambers : Your dates can't form sentences.

• Norm Peterson : Ah, Sammy, watching you getting ready for a date is like watching a great matador prepare for a bullfight.

  Cliff Clavin : I hate that stuff. You know, who wants to see a guy go and manipulate and torment a poor, unthinking creature like that?

  Sam Malone : Hey, I always buy 'em breakfast, don't I?

• [Diane and Andy are preparing to go on a blind date] 

  Diane Chambers : [to Sam]  Andy Andy and I will have fun fun.

  Diane Chambers : So, uh, what do you think, Andy, how does Italian food sound, huh? Oh boy, I've been hungry for Italian food all day.

  Andy Schroeder : Anywhere but Villa Milano. That's bad memories for me. I killed a waitress there.

  [Diane shudders in horror] 

  Sam Malone : We'll double up!

  [pushes Diane towards the door] 

  Diane Chambers : Did you hear what he said?

• Sam Malone : [about Andy, the blind date Sam found for Diane]  The truth is, I never saw the guy before in my life. I met him in the back room and I paid him to go out with you.

  Diane Chambers : You hired a murderer to take me out for the evening.

  Sam Malone : Well, it's kind of funny when you put it that way.

• Diane Chambers : Sam, if you'll admit that you are carrying a little torch for me, I'll admit that I'm carrying a little one for you.

  Sam Malone : [tentatively]  Well, I am carrying a little torch for you.

  Diane Chambers : Well, I'm not carrying one for you.

• Sam Malone : [reading Norm's self-written resume]  "Norm Peterson: thought-provoking, poignant, hilarious, a roller coaster of emotions. If you hire only one accountant this year, make it Norm Peterson!" What is this?

  Cliff Clavin : He had the paper open to the movie section, Sam.