Family Guy (TV Series)
Fifteen Minutes of Shame (2000)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, God, Announcer, Bob Ross, Captain Von Trapp, Hawkeye, Kevin Swanson, Magic Clam, Ned, Ronald McDonald, Skeleton, Trapper, Vaudeville Guy, Fisherman
Photos
Quotes
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Lois Griffin : Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin : I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin : Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin : She means your nipples are sticking out.
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Brian Griffin : Huh... so that's what Peter's penis looks like.
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Lisa McDonald : Bye, Dad. Don't wait up.
Ronald McDonald : Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Lisa. Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on.
Lisa McDonald : But, Dad...
Ronald McDonald : Upstairs. You're a McDonald, not a whore.
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Diane Simmons : Peter, do you think there may be any validity to what Meg is feeling?
Peter : WHO ARE YOU CALLING UNCLE TOM?
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Stewie Griffin : The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
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Stewie Griffin : You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.
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Peter Griffin : [opening drawer] Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here!
[He opens the book and dances around with it]
Peter Griffin : Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!
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Peter Griffin : Hey, camera guy. Check this out.
[holding up an old woman puppet]
Peter Griffin : 'Peter Griffin and Madame.' Oh, Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you?
Peter Griffin : [as Madame] You're the one with your hand up my backside, darling.
Peter Griffin : Oh! She got me!
[the cameraman pans back to the sexy faux Meg, despite Peter's attempts to move in front of the camera]
Peter Griffin : Hey! Hey, come back here! She's gonna sing Rainbow Connection!
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Peter Griffin : I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Ummm... you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it. It's uh... you know, I... I don't see any reason to throw it out. The waist is still fine. You know, see. See, it's still real stretchy.
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Mayor Adam West : It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail for the new colony of Rhode Island.
Miles Musket : You know what I'm gonna do when we get to shore? First, I'm gonna have a snack. No, no, no. Shower first, snack second. I hope I see Indians! Think they'll have American cheese?
Mayor Adam West : Ever the free thinker, Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind. He was as good as dead. But, as legend has it, he was saved by a magic clam, who brought him to shore and shared the vision of a new colony, which would be called Quahog.
Clam : There are fields for tilling, woods for timber, and always the bounty of the sea.
Miles Musket : Look at all this sand! Do you know there are beaches with black sand? Did I not pack my towel?
Clam : Are you listening? I'm trying to help.
Mayor Adam West : And help he did. Thanks to the clam's leadership, Quahog became a great and prosperous settlement. But relations between Miles and the clam soon soured.
Miles Musket : [Miles and the clam are sitting at a table] I know he's an Indian, but what kind of a name is Squanto? Leslie or something like that would be nice.
Clam : Shut up! Just shut up! God! Keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here, look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this.
[closes clam]
Clam : Huh? Look.
[closes clam again]
Clam : See that, see that?
[repeatedly opens and closes clam]
Clam : Now try it with me. Huh? OK? OK?
Mayor Adam West : Things only got worse. Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam.
[Miles is shown holding a musket while the clam sleeps in bed]
Clam : [the clam confronts Miles the next morning; behind the clam are luggage cases] I was awake last night, Miles. I saw you. I think it's time for me to go.
[the clam tugs at the luggage but it won't budge]
Clam : I'll send for my things.
[as the clam leaves, Miles chases after it before it gets to the shore and disappears]
Miles Musket : Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry!
[Miles mournfully wails]
Mayor Adam West : Miles never spoke again. But every year until his death - from a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head - he went to the shore on this day in hopes that the magic clam would return.
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Meg Griffin : [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin : Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
[Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin : [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin : I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin : [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?
