- [Stewie is electronically controlling Chris and is waiting outside the hardware store while Chris goes inside]
- Stewie Griffin: All right, now walk up to the counter.
- [Chris does]
- Stewie Griffin: That's it, ring the bell!
- [he does]
- Shopkeep: Well, hi there.
- Stewie Griffin: Good day, shopkeep.
- Chris Griffin: [parroting] Good day, shopkeep. I require a hand-operated buzzsaw capable of cutting through a human sternum.
- Shopkeep: What?
- Stewie Griffin: It's for a school project. I'm... some sort of student sent here for... oh, blast, what the devil do they study? Uh, Latin class!
- Shopkeep: Uh, sorry, kid, I can't sell power tools to minors.
- Chris Griffin: Now, look here, you gourd-bellied codpiece! Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and - who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it, in my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo!... Oh, bloody hell, is this thing still on?
- Shopkeep: [stares in confusion]
- Peter Griffin: I tell ya, Dark Side of The Moon totally syncs up with the Wizard of Oz.
- Luke Perry: Really? Shannon Daugherty told me that once, but I thought she was just being a bitch.
- Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
- Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
- Peter Griffin: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they've been that way ever since they came over to this country from France.
- Neil Goldman: [in a deep voice, while soaking his retainer] Run little rabbit, run. Someday our worlds will be one.
- Neil Goldman: [with his retainer back in] I sure hope my face clears up by then.
- Man: Mayor West asked me to give you this.
- [the man hands Meg a bomb, which explodes and makes Meg's beak be on her face backward]
- Meg Griffin: [Putting her beak back on the right way] Of course you realize, this means war.
- [Peter tries to get a gay photo of Luke Perry]
- Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt. You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.
- Peter Griffin: [in Sunday School with several children during story time] And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven.
- [children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing]
- Peter Griffin: Nah, I'm just yankin' ya, you'll all rot in the ground.
- [children look horrified]
- Peter Griffin: Uh, hi. We're here to see the Dean.
- Guardian of the College: Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how!
- Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
- [flashback]
- Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
- Stewie Griffin: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
- Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
- Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.