Frasier (TV Series)

Beware of Greeks (1998)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• Nikos : Once again, he stopped me from making a terrible mistake. So everyone, please lift your glasses to my cousin, Frasier Crane!

  Aunt Zora Crane : Oh, I can do better than a glass!

  [she grabs a bottle by the neck and smashes the end off] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No! Aunt Zora, no! OUT OF MY WAY!

• Dr. Niles Crane : It's a moot point. We're not invited, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.

  Martin Crane : Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother and not see him for five years?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No, but I'd like to give it a try.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : So your heart should be brimming with motherly emotion!

  Aunt Zora Crane : When I find out who bent this skewer, I'm ramming it right in his eye!

• [at the rehearsal dinner] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, I hope you enjoy yourself, Mr. Blessed-Are-The-Peacemakers!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Will you stop complaining? The rehearsal went beautifully. Cousin Yvonne didn't get near you.

  Dr. Niles Crane : How could she? I spent half the time hiding in the confessional! By the way, Mrs. Pappas is having an affair.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [of their Aunt Zora]  She can't avoid me if I go down and meet her face-to-face. I'm going to go to that restaurant.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Do you have a death wish? She'll eat you alive!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, I'm not afraid of her!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Everyone is! Have you forgotten the family legend that when Hitler invaded Greece she joined the partisans just so she could strangle Nazis?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I have never believed that. She would have to have been five years old at the time!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, that's why the legend says they were strangled with jump ropes.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Niles is hiding behind a shelf of wines bottles]  Niles! Do you realize how pathetic this is?

  Dr. Niles Crane : I don't care! At dinner, Zora announced that I had filed for divorce! Within seconds, Yvonne began purring so loudly my allergies kicked in!

• Dr. Niles Crane : Where have you been?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I've been on the phone. I've been trying to contact Nikos's ex-girlfriend.

  Dr. Niles Crane : The depths you'll sink to to get a date.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : You're just afraid of seeing Cousin Yvonne, aren't you?

  Daphne Moon : Who's Cousin Yvonne?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, distant cousin who has a slight crush on Niles.

  Dr. Niles Crane : A slight crush? There are cannibals who are less man-hungry.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : How did you two meet?

  Nikos : A few months back, I performed at one of her parents' garden parties. They were really snooty to me. That seemed to spark something in her. She asked me for a date right in front of them. That's how she is. She likes to play with her parents' heads.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, well, so did Lizzy Borden.

• Aunt Zora Crane : You know, I am so glad you are coming to the wedding. There is nothing sadder than a divided family, am I right?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Quite right.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Absolutely, absolutely. When Frasier told me we weren't invited to the wedding, I was...

  Cousin Yvonne : There you are, Niles!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Just kill me now.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : This is Nikos, my father's brother's son.

  Roz Doyle : Well I would have never pegged you for a Crane.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, he's half Greek. He gets his looks from his mom.

  Roz Doyle : I bet he gets looks from lots of women.

• Aunt Zora Crane : [to Frasier]  Why are they thanking you?

  Crystal the Juggler : We owe our happiness to him.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Why couldn't she have been a mime?

• Dr. Frasier Crane : For God's sake Niles, why don't you just hide in the men's room?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Where do you think Yvonne is right now?

• Martin Crane : I can't believe that because of your big mouth, Zora won't even let me in her restaurant!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for stuffed grape leaves and zither music!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, it's my fault, and I'm going to put it right.

  [picks up the phone and dials] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm going to get in touch with Aunt Zora. Surely she'll listen to reason.

  [into phone] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Aunt Zora?

  [she hangs up] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, that's encouraging. She remembered my voice.

• Martin Crane : You and your damned advice!

  Daphne Moon : Mr. Crane, Dr. Rudnik asked me to monitor your blood pressure, and I'd like to get an accurate reading.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Stop pointing fingers. Why don't we try to solve this problem?

  Martin Crane : I don't see how! She's a vindictive woman, and she's gonna keep on punishing us because of you! If you kept your big trap shut for just once in your life, my nephew would probably be a surgeon now, and I'd be going to his wedding!

  Daphne Moon : There, now: 240 over 11. Sounds about right!