- Rachel Green: Emma, this is your first Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?
- Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.
- Ross: Hey, dude, are you okay? Sorry about before.
- Chandler Bing: No, that's okay. You're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings, and I want you to know that if I die you don't get Joey.
- Monica: Everyone, we're using our fancy china, and it's very expensive, so please be careful.
- Ross: [mimicks losing the plate, waving it in the air] Whoa, whoa...!
- [he laughs, then almost loses it, catching it in the nick of time]
- Monica: Okay, just to be clear, comedy with the plates will not be well-received.
- Chandler: So, if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
- Ross: [looks down] No, that... that is not what we're saying.
- Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
- Chandler: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I... Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!
- Rachel Green: [Emma cries] She needs changing.
- Chandler Bing: Oh no no, I'll get her. I am super competent, totally responsible, and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there, Emma, just let me get my trusty diaper bag.
- Chandler Bing: [accidentally knocks over a chair, spilling the box with the good china, smashing them to pieces] Well, what do you know? I guess I'll be the one that dies first.
- Monica: [Chandler is setting the table with the good china] Careful... careful... CAREFUL!
- Chandler Bing: I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise.
- Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible. Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.
- Amy: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?
- Chandler Bing: No, if crazy plate lady... if Monica dies then I would get Emma, right?
- Rachel: Well, actually...
- Chandler Bing: Actually, what?
- Ross: It's just that in that case then Emma would go to my parents.
- Chandler Bing: What?
- Amy: [to Chandler] Hurts, doesn't it?
- Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?
- Amy: [fighting with Rachel while an uncomfortable Ross looks on] You know what I cannot believe? That my so-called sister gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren - and I still have to pay *retail*?
- Rachel: [laughing] It's 45!
- Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect, with your new baby and your small apartment.
- [Ross slams a towel on the kitchen table]
- Amy: Well, let me tell you something: your baby isn't even that cute!
- Ross: Too far, Amy. Too far.
- Chandler Bing: So, if Monica's not around I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
- Ross: No, that is not what we are saying
- [looks down]
- Ross: .
- Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
- Chandler Bing: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you.
- Rachel: You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
- Amy: Oh yeah, well you didn't come to see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.
- Rachel: I did the first time! And you want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you?
- Ross: Emma
- Rachel: Who's side are you on?
- Chandler Bing: You know, I can talk to the producers for you, I'm a great liar. Take Monica's dress, I said I loved it, I *hate* it.
- Monica: Hey!
- Chandler Bing: I'm also a great moron.