Jack Benny: Jack Benny

Quotes 

• Court Clerk : Judge, isn't that a pretty stiff sentence? Thirty days for jaywalking?

  Judge : I can't help it. I'm so tired and irritable. Some idiot played his violin and kept me awake all night. First he'd start, then he'd stop then he'd start, then he'd stop, start, stop, start, stop, start, at two in the morning!

  [bangs the gavel] 

  Judge : Who's next?

  bailiff : [to Jack]  Okay, you're next.

  Court Clerk : Alright, tell the court what you did.

  Jack Benny : I... I...

  Judge : Come, come, I'm very tired. What did you do?

  Jack Benny : I robbed a safe.

• Jack Benny : Wait a minute, were you beating around the bush just to find out if you could have next Wednesday off?

  Rochester Van Jones : Well, uh, yes I was.

  Jack Benny : For Heaven sake, Rochester, if you want a day off, why don't you just come out and ask me?

  Rochester Van Jones : Okay. Can I have Wednesday off?

  Jack Benny : No... You see how much quicker it is?

• 1st Policeman : We got over 50 calls saying it sounded like somebody was getting murdered in here.

  Jack Benny : All I was doing was playing my violin, like this.

  [plays violin] 

  Jack Benny : Does this sound like somebody's being murdered?

  1st Policeman : No.

  2nd Policeman : Yeah, but that could explain the one complaint we got that somebody was plucking a live chicken.

• Drunk : All I was doing was celebrating my 25th wedding anniversry.

  Jack Benny : Congratulations.

  Drunk : Oh, thank you. Hey you wanna know something? After being married for 25 years, my wife still has the same figure.

  Jack Benny : That's wonderful.

  Drunk : What's so wonderful about it? She was a fat slob when I married her.

  Jack Benny : What?

  Drunk : She was so big, that instead of throwing rice, they threw peanuts.

• Lawyer Frank Brandon : How a fellow can get out of jail and right away commit a crime is beyond me.

  Jack Benny : I didn't just get out of jail.

  Lawyer Frank Brandon : Well don't tell me you bought that lousy suit.

• Heavyset Cellmate : Shorty! Look at them hands!

  [examines Jack's hand] 

  Jack's Cellmate : Beautiful, beautiful. Just look at those fingers. What do you do, Mac?

  Jack Benny : I play the violin.

  Heavyset Cellmate : Your wasting 'em. If I had fingers like that, I'd open up Fort Knox!

• Jack Benny : Well it's about time you got here.

  Rochester Van Jones : I'd have been here sooner, but I thought I better brush up on my law books first.

  Jack Benny : Law books?

  Rochester Van Jones : Now Boss, when I'm talkin' to the judge, you just sit back and squeeze a few tears out of those baby blue eyes and we'll be home before you know it.

  Jack Benny : Oh for Heaven... What in the world made you think I was going to let you defend me?

  Rochester Van Jones : I didn't think you'd let me take out you appendix either.