- [a letter to Margaret has arrived opened]
- Radar: Sometimes they come like that!
- Margaret: And sometimes they're opened by creepy company clerks who like to peek at intimate personal passages!
- B.J.: Oh, come on Margaret, that's uncalled for.
- Hawkeye: It's not fair!
- Radar: Yea, and it wasn't even very intimate either!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Hawk, you're looking at a guy that fell off the fidelity wagon.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I thought I heard a thump sometime last night.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: And I'm miserable. I'm a happily married man. Not like Frank Burns is happy because his wife owns real estate. I adore my wife and my kid and my marriage.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I know.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I don't like being unfaithful. I'm not lookin' around. I'm lucky to have what I've got.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You're right. You are lucky.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: God help me.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You're turning down the chance to be seen with the Porfirio Rubirosa of Ouijongbu.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: What a tongue twister.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh, you've heard about me.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Colonel, how'd you like a delicious cup of coffee?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'd love it.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Me, too. This stuff stinks.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: We didn't plan that. We're still human beings, you know, no matter how hard we try not to be.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yes, I know, and I'm still afraid.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: Of what?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Of you. Because you're right here, and you're so attractive and so close.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: And so vulnerable.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yes.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: You don't trust yourself.
- [B.J. scoffs]
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: B.J., just because I'm across the compound doesn't mean you can waltz into my tent whenever you want to. I needed you that night, and you were there. I'll always love you for that. It doesn't mean it's ever gonna happen again. I can work out my own problem. I don't expect you to be the answer to it. Does that make it easier?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yes... and no.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: We can be friends.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yes, we can.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: Closer than most.
- [They both grin]
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: Still friends.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Carrie... you're very special.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: I like you, too.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Simply take a vow. Raise your right hand. Come on. Come on.
- [Hawkeye and B.J. raise their right hands]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: "I promise to be a good and faithful husband, to write nice, cheerful letters home, to think of Peg often, and to keep my fat hands off Nurse Donovan.
- [B.J. chuckles]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Do you vow?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I vow.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I feel better about you already.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Thanks.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: My pleasure. There's probably a career for me in saving marriages. You know, I'm gonna take a vow too.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Good for you.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I, Hawkeye Pierce, vow that, some day, I will take a vow just like his. Amen.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You were out awful late last night.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Lots to do in Post-Op.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You were gone when I woke up this morning.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Couldn't sleep.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: If I didn't know better, I'd say you were out all night.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Mm-hmm.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You could've called. Mother and I were worried sick.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Dad, shut up.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Ah, I hate to see them grow up.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: B.J., you stumbled last night. That's all. You were helping somebody, and it got out of hand. You made a mistake.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I sure did.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Hawkeye points at B.J.'s notepad] What's that?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I'm writing Peg about it.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [He grabs the letter, crumples it, and throws it in the stove] Wrong, wrong, wrong! Don't be an idiot. You made one lousy goof, and you wanna punish yourself, but don't punish her. Do not tell Peg. Don't tell anybody what you just told me. This will pass.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Like a kidney stone.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Tell me, who's the most devoted family man in the world?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Mickey Rooney.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Who gets an A in fidelity?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: RCA Victor.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No, you, both times.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: So how come she turns down a date with Dr. Jekyll to go work in the lab with Mr. Hyde?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: She's helping me with some cases.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I could use a little of that kind of help myself.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Are you sure there's nothing going on between you two kids?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Honest.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: A little hanky panky after Taps?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Scout's honor.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Before?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: No!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: During?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I'm happily married.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh, yeah? I thought that that was a contradiction in terms.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Donovan, you look like a new woman. Not that there was anything wrong with the old one.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: Thanks. I feel better.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well, why shouldn't we all feel good? Our work is so rewarding. Always lending a helping hand. Doing unto others.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Hawk, your mouth runneth over.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I'm just teasing. I mean, do I know what I'm saying? Whatever it is, I don't mean it. Should I go?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Just stop talking.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I will as soon as I get my foot out of my mouth. I think I'll put it someplace else.
- [He rises to leave]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Ah, I'm being paged at the pool. Well, you two carry on.
- [laughs]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Strike that. This is me leaving. Here I go. Bye. So long.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: I know how you feel. You feel guilty. But you're blaming me.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: No, I'm not. I'm blaming myself.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: Only partly. Look, I get your anger every time I come near you. I don't need it.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Carrie, I'm sorry, but you know what happened. I got this enormous attack of the guilts. I've never done that before. I'm hopelessly, passionately in love with my wife.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: What's wrong with that?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I don't wanna mess that up. I feel like I've betrayed her.
- Nurse Carrie Donovan: Why? Because you were kind and considerate and sweet to me? Because I was in despair one night, and you helped me through it? Are you ashamed of it?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: No, of course not, but there was more to it than that.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I'm worried about Donald. He works so hard.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Maybe he strained himself thinking.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Don't you wish. He has a mind like a steel trap.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That could be dangerous. If he gets an idea, he'll snap his neck and swallow his face.
- Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank is at Margaret's door] Major Houlihan.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Major Burns.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Uh, am I disturbing you?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Not yet.
- [He steps inside]
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Now you are.
- Maj. Frank Burns: [to Major Houlihan] Our friendship is real. It's warm. It's honest. It's... convenient.