- Klinger: [writing on cake with frosting for Hawkeye's birthday] A real work of art, huh Major?
- Charles: A masterpiece, Klinger! With one minuscule flaw: You have wished Hawkeye, a 'Happy Birthhday'.
- Klinger: Huh?
- Charles: See, 'birthday' is not generally spelled with a pair of h's.
- Klinger: Don't pick nits, Major. It's that tiny imperfection that makes it special!
- Charles: Fix the cake.
- Klinger: It's easy for you to be a critic. You didn't spend three hours facing a blank piece of cake!
- Charles: Fix the cake!
- Klinger: I guarantee, nobody's gonna notice!
- Father Mulcahy: [Father Mulchay enters kitchen] Hello! Ah, how's it coming, dough-boy?
- Charles: Uh, tell me-what's wrong with this cake Father 'Mulcahhy'?
- Father Mulcahy: Hmm... Nothing at all!
- Klinger: HA!
- Father Mulcahy: Especially if you like h's!
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Now, look, folks, we're cold and we're bored, but there's no reason to take it out on each other. I remember one night in France in WWI, an entire company of tanks just froze shut. Couldn't get the drivers out. Had to slip 'em vittles through the cannons.
- Charles: Colonel, in the first place, I don't believe a word of it. Secondly, I hear the frozen tank fable every time the temperature dips below freezing. And thirdly, don't you have any WARM stories?
- Dr. Anthony Borelli: Let me make one thing clear to you, Doctor...
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No, let me make one thing clear to YOU, Doctor...
- Cpl. Jarvis: Hey, what the hell kind of doctors are you, anyway? Do me a favor, will ya? First save Captain Kramer's life. Then you can kill each other.
- Sergeant Herbert: You probably saved our butts, Captain. I don't know how to thank you.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I do. When's your birthday?
- Sergeant Herbert: June 12.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Wrong. It's just been promoted.
- [to the crowd]
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Hey, everybody. Guess what. We got a birthday boy here. Today's Sergeant Herbert's birthday!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No, I wouldn't think of it. I'd feel awful if I was back here snug and safe and my pal was up there facing danger, freezing his klavey on his wedding anniversary.
- Margaret: His-- His what?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: His klavey.
- Margaret: No, no, no. After that.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh. His wedding anniversary.
- Dr. Anthony Borelli: Do you always scrub like that?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [irritated] Scrub like what?
- Dr. Anthony Borelli: You know, like that.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No, I used to send my hands out to the laundry, but they always came back with too much starch.
- Dr. Anthony Borelli: I'll go along with you.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No, you don't have to go.
- Dr. Anthony Borelli: You can use the help and the company.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I don't need the help OR the company.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I, uh, took the liberty of borrowing your birthday.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: YOU WHAT?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Shh! Will you...
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [lowering his voice] You what?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Hawk, will you look around? See how depressed these people are? They need something to do. A surprise birthday party is just the thing to cheer them up.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: What are you, nuts? It's not even close to my birthday.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Perfect! You're not using it. It's part of the surprise.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Borrow your own birthday!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Come on. You're gonna love it.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I'm gonna hate it. A whole day of letting people slap me on the back, laughing at their stupid gag gifts, and pretending I'm surprised? And then, when it really IS my birthday, nobody'll believe me.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I'LL believe you.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You don't hear too well. Read my lips: Drop dead.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I can't. I'm in charge of the party.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [making a toast] And here's to Hawkeye, who couldn't be with us tonight. But don't worry. I'll save a little punch for him.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Uh, Beej, could I talk to you for a minute, please?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [to the nurses] Will you excuse me?
- [to Hawkeye]
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yeah, sure. What's the problem?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I've been getting some very funny questions tonight like, uh, how big is my foot? What's my favorite color? Two people asked me if, uh, if I'd ever had a pet.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: They're interested in you. You have to realize these people are very bored.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I seem to be the object of some kind of a conspiracy. So naturally, I thought of you.