- Kermit the Frog: Muppy? Scooter? You're on next.
- Scooter: It's no use Kermit. Muppy says if you won't change the title of the show he's not going on. He's locked himself in his dressing room, and he's not coming out.
- Kermit the Frog: Yeah, but the Simon Smith number is next.
- Scooter: I know. I know.
- Kermit the Frog: What are we going to do?
- Fozzie Bear: Kermit. How come I'm not doing an act this week?
- Kermit the Frog: Congratulations Fozzie. You're doing an act this week.
- Fozzie Bear: Sometimes I can be very persuasive.
- Kermit the Frog: Hey listen, it's another great show folks. I mean tonight our guest star is one of the truly great dancers of the world: The one and only, Miss Juliet Prowse. And if that weren't enough we've also got Mahna Mahna. Whatever that means.
- Kermit the Frog: [Phone rings] Hello. Okay. Just a second.
- [to the Snowths]
- Kermit the Frog: It's for you.
- Mahna Mahna: [through the phone] Mahna Mahna!
- Rowlf: At this time, I would like to present my rendition of one of the great songs of our time. That ever-popular classic: "You And I And George". But why you ask as well you should have I never heard this great song of our times. Fact is nobody has ever heard of this ever popular classic. In its only recording, "You And I And George" sold three copies. I bought one and George bought one, where were you?
- Kermit the Frog: Hello there Miss Prowse. Hey listen, is everything OK? Any complaints?
- Juliet Prowse: No, none whatsoever. Except that I've never had to share my dressing room before with a man who eats a tire.
- Kermit the Frog: I told Gonzo to dress in the alley!
- Waldorf: Well, what did you think?
- Statler: Beats sitting around watching television.
- Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!
- Flower Eating Monster: Mind if I smoke?
- Female Dancer: If you insist.
- Flower Eating Monster: Thanks.
- [smoke comes bellowing out of the monsters nose filling the ballroom and causing the other dancers to cough]
- Flower Eating Monster: Smokes not bothering you is it?
- Mildred: Manager!
- Kermit the Frog: Stand by for the Western Sketch.
- Fozzie Bear: Hey Kermit.
- [doing a bad John Wayne impression]
- Fozzie Bear: Does this sound like John Wayne?
- Kermit the Frog: Will you get on stage Fozzie?
- Fozzie Bear: Hey, have I got an opening joke for you tonight!
- [laughs]
- Fozzie Bear: Oh, you're gonna love this... There's two kinda...
- [gets cut off by the closing curtain]
- [Kermit sips from a glass of milk, the level of which drops steadily]
- Kermit: Uh, think about this, friends.
- Scooter: Hey boss, Muppy and I wanted to talk to you about the act we're doing on the show tonight.
- Kermit the Frog: Scooter, you're not doing an act on the show tonight.
- Scooter: Gee, my uncle who owns the theatre thought of this act.
- Kermit the Frog: Tell us about the act you're doing on the show tonight.
- Scooter: Oh, it's called "Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Dog". Yeah, I sing this song see, and Muppy here does this cute, adorable, sweet, sugary little dance.
- Kermit the Frog: Well, it sounds says the frog displaying his artistic judgment: sappy.
- Scooter: Gee, my uncle thought it was...
- Kermit the Frog: It sounds says the frog displaying his will to survive: wonderful.
- Scooter: Yeah, it's great. You'll love it.
- Kermit the Frog: Certainly. I've often thought of Muppy here as about the cutest little fellow around.
- [Muppy attacks Kermit and bites him]
- Scooter: He thinks as himself as a killer.
- Kermit the Frog: Let me out of here!
- Kermit the Frog: What a dumb dog! Oops, I'm on stage. Well, now that I'm here let me take this opportunity to present The Muppet Show's resident artist person: Gonzo the Great.
- The Great Gonzo: Thank you. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, I will eat this rubber tire to the music The Flight Of The Bumblebee. Music Maestro.
- Kermit the Frog: [the audience boos Gonzo off the stage] Looks like it's another wipeout for Gonzo.
- The Great Gonzo: Yokels! What do they know about art?
- Rowlf: You And I And George went strolling down the park one day/And then you held my hand as if to say I Love You/Then we passed a brook and George fell in and drowned himself/And floated out to sea leaving you alone with me.
- Kermit the Frog: You know that number you did was just beautiful Juliet.
- Juliet Prowse: Well, thank you Kermit. You know I'm really happy to be here with you and all the Muppets. You know something? I've never talked to a frog before.
- Kermit the Frog: Well, we're just like anyone else. A little more jumpy maybe. But you know, we have out hopes and our dreams.
- Juliet Prowse: Oh yeah, we'll what are some of your dreams?
- Kermit the Frog: You may just think I'm gilding the lily pad here. But as a tadpole I always wanted to be a dancer. But you know what they say, the first thing to go on a frog are his legs.
- Juliet Prowse: That's funny. I never knew that frogs had a sense of humor.
- Kermit the Frog: We have to. You meet a frog without a sense of humor and you're looking at a green lump.
- Kermit the Frog: Your average frog doesn't have much going for him in the looks department.
- Juliet Prowse: Oh, I don't know. I think you're quite attractive.
- Kermit the Frog: Really? You're not just saying that because you're a guest?
- Juliet Prowse: Certainly not. In fact I'd go as far as to say that you are the Robert Redford of frogs.
- Kermit the Frog: Hey, listen everybody, did you hear that? Juliet Prowse thinks I'm the Robert Redford of frogs. You're going to be coming back on this show a lot. Hey listen, have you ever kissed Robert Redford?
- Juliet Prowse: No I haven't.
- Kermit the Frog: How about kissing the next best thing?
- Juliet Prowse: You mean to tell me that Paul Newman is here?
- Kermit the Frog: I mean me! The Robert Redford of frogdom.
- Juliet Prowse: My pleasure.
- [kisses him]
- Rowlf: I've been playing saloons down in Snake City for three years. It was the roughest town in the west. I mean we had some mean customers.
- Miss Kitty: Howdy Rowlf.
- Rowlf: Hello, Miss Kitty. I mean they were tough. After three years I thought I'd seen it all. I'd seen the Clem brothers, the Under brothers, the James brothers. Not to mention the Osmond Brothers. But when Kid Fozzie came to town, I knew I hadn't seen nothing.
- Rowlf: All right don't make a move I got you covered. Throw down your pickles!
- Fozzie Bear: Okay. I don't need guns to fight you. I'll get you with my knife.
- [pulls out a carrot]
- Rowlf: Will you stop with the vegetables.
- Fozzie Bear: Oh, you shouldn't have done that. I am a desperate bear ready for desperate measures.
- [pulls out an apple with a lit fuse]
- Rowlf: Oh no!
- Bartender: It's an apple!
- Rowlf: And don't tell me...?
- Fozzie Bear: Yes. The fuse is lit. The fuse is lit?
- [the apple explodes]
- Scooter: Okay, Kemit. Now that Muppy is doing the big Simon Smith number, he has one other suggestion.
- Kermit the Frog: Listen, I already gave him his own dressing room. What more does he want?
- Scooter: Well, it's about the title of the show. Look.
- [holds up a sign saying 'The Muppy Show']
- Kermit the Frog: 'The Muppy Show'?
- [screams]
- Scooter: I may go out tomorrow if I can borrow a coat to wear/Oh, I'd step out in style with my sincere smile and my dancing bear/Outrageous, alarming/Courageous, charming/Oh, who would think a boy and bear could be well accepted everywhere/It's just amazing how fair people can be.
- Scooter: Seen at the nicest places where well fed faces all stop to stare/Making the grandest entrance is Simon Smith and his Dancing Bear. They'll love us.
- Fozzie Bear: Won't they?
- Scooter: They feed us.
- Fozzie Bear: Don't they?
- Scooter: Oh, who would think a boy and bear could be well accepted everywhere/It's just amazing how fair people can be.
- Scooter: Oh, who needs money?
- Fozzie Bear: When we're funny? Hah!
- Scooter: The great attraction everywhere would be Simon Smith and his dancing Bear. It's Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear.
- Fozzie Bear: Together. Yes. Oh yes!
- Scooter: Kermit, Muppy wants you to know he's very sorry he bit you.
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, yeah.
- Scooter: He wants you to know he's very grateful you're letting him do the Simon Smith number.
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, well that's nice.
- Scooter: He wants you to know he wants his own dressing room and star billing.
- Kermit the Frog: Who is this crazy dog?
- Scooter: He's my uncles favorite pet!
- Fozzie Bear: Alright everybody. Reach for the floor. This is a stick down.
- Bartender: You're confused kid. You ain't got no guns. Those are pickles. There he is: the Fastest Gerkin in the West.
- Zoot: Juliet, what has one eye, sharp teeth, and it long and fuzzy.
- Juliet Prowse: I don't know.
- Zoot: I don't know either, but you're wearing it!
- [Juliet screams]
- Fozzie Bear: Hey, have I got an opening joke for you tonight.
- [laughs]
- Fozzie Bear: Oh, you're going to love this... There's two kinda...
- [Curtain closes]
- Kermit: Wait, wait, wait, Hold, hold, hold! Hold it, Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Stop. How shall I say this? Uh, excuse me, friends, but uh, to my ears at least, it would help a lot if you were all singing THE SAME SONG!
- Kermit: Piggy, honey?
- Miss Piggy: Hmm?
- Kermit: You can take the solo.
- Miss Piggy: Yes, my love.
- Kermit: Here we go.
- Miss Piggy: [to the pig next to her] I love him.