- Uncle Joe Carson: [Bedloe hands Joe an envelope] Christmas present for me? Homer, you shouldn't have done it.
- Homer Bedloe: That's a legal writt, empowering me to seize and hold this train.
- Uncle Joe Carson: Homer, you shouldn't have done it.
- Charley Pratt: Kate, if you'll let me be Santa Claus this year, I promise you a nice big fat gobbler for Christmas dinner!
- Uncle Joe Carson: [sarcastically alluding to Charlie's gluttony, and pretending as if he's actually just referring to himself as a "gobbler", rather than offering to bring a turkey for Kate's family and guests] Aw, Charlie - - you're *always* here for Christmas dinner!
- Uncle Joe Carson: Kate, who's gonna be Santa Claus, me or this greasy hoghead?
- Kate Bradley: Uncle Joe, don't call Charley that.
- Uncle Joe Carson: Oh, that's just railroad talk for engineer.
- Kate Bradley: I don't care; I don't like it.
- Uncle Joe Carson: Alright, well who's gonna play Santa Claus, me or this greasy pighead?