Police Squad! (TV Series)

The Butler Did It (A Bird in the Hand) (1982)

Leslie Nielsen: Det. Frank Drebin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Det. Frank Drebin : Is there a ransom note?

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Yes. The butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding one million dollars.

  Det. Frank Drebin : Why would the lab demand a million dollars?

• Det. Frank Drebin : [narrating]  Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.

• Det. Frank Drebin : I was just going over the arraignment report. It looks like the butler Thames will be doing his serving from now on up in the Statesville prison.

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Along with Martin, Dutch Gunderson, Lana and Sally Decker. Frank, when will people learn that crime doesn't pay?

  Det. Frank Drebin : Well, I suppose if they do learn, we'll be out of a job.

  [slaps Hocken's knee, they go into freeze frame] 

• Det. Frank Drebin : Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her.

  Warner : The lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack!

  Det. Frank Drebin : That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive.

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Maybe a little thin...

• Det. Frank Drebin : Evening. Is this 808 Garboniforus Road?

  Det. Frank Drebin : [the butler turns Drebin's piece of paper right side up]  Maple Street?

  Thames : Yes sir, it is.

  Det. Frank Drebin : I'm from Police Squad, I'd like to see Captain Hocken.

  Thames : [takes Drebin's badge]  Of course, Lieutenant, eh... Flebner.

  Thames : [Drebin turns the badge right side up]  Eh, Drebin. Do come in.

• Det. Frank Drebin : [searching for a Tuba store next to a filling station]  Ed, you find anything?

  Capt. Ed Hocken : No, nothing. Frank, we've been through hundreds of these.

  [reading from yellow pages] 

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas Are Us...

  Al : [Wearing a Tuba City T-shirt]  Can you take a phone call, Captain?

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Not now, Al!

  Capt. Ed Hocken : [continues reading]  International House of Tubas, Tuba or Not Tuba, Tuba Legation. Ah, we've come to a dead end, Frank.

• Prisoner : [a prisoner has gotten loose and is holding the cops at gunpoint]  I got the gun now! And I'm gonna kill all of you... one by one.

  [Frank, oblivious, walks through a door, hitting the prisoner and knocking the gun from his hand; all the cops rush the prisoner and arrest him] 

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Good job, Frank!

  Det. Frank Drebin : What?

• [Mrs. Burton starts crying over a failed ransom call trace] 

  Det. Frank Drebin : Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Mrs. Burton, what did he say?

  Mrs. Burton : Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.

  Capt. Ed Hocken : No. The kidnapper.

  Mrs. Burton : He said he'll call us soon for the instructions for the money drop. And if we don't do what he says, he'll kill Terri.

  [cries on her husband's shoulder] 

  Mr. Burton : Lt. Drebin, what do I do?

  Det. Frank Drebin : Well, as I understand it, you're in the textile business.

  Mr. Burton : I mean, I don't want the police involved in this.

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Nah, we all got to work together to capture this kidnapper.

  Mr. Burton : I'll pay whatever ransom is necessary to get Terri back.

  Det. Frank Drebin : No, that would be giving into him. These people are emotionally unstable. Got a case like this, similar. Kidnappers cut the victim's ear off and send it to the family.

  [Mrs. Burton shrieks in disgust] 

  Capt. Ed Hocken : So, you see, you've got to let us help you.

  Det. Frank Drebin : Not the whole ear, of course. Just a peace of it.

  [Mrs. Burton half sobs] 

  Capt. Ed Hocken : And if this whole thing blows over, we'll return Terri's ear, if she's still alive.

  [Mrs. Burton starts sobbing] 

  Det. Frank Drebin : She's taking it hard.

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Yeah. We'd better go, Frank. We'll leave Officer Nordberg here. If you need anything, just ask him.

  Det. Frank Drebin : We'll be in touch.

  [they start walking out, and approach Nordberg] 

  Capt. Ed Hocken : After we go, I want you to nose around.

  Det. Frank Drebin : And keep an eye out for the ear.

  Norberg : Yes, Sir.

  [goes up to Mrs. Burton who is just beginning to wind down] 

  Norberg : Don't you worry, Mrs. Burton. When Terri's ear comes, I'll handle it.

  [Mrs. Burton sobs again] 

• Det. Frank Drebin : [holds up a cup]  Coffee?

  Warner : Yes, I know.