Police Squad! (TV Series)

A Substantial Gift (The Broken Promise) (1982)

Barbara Tarbuck: Mrs. Twice

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mrs. Twice : Oh, PLEASE go away. Please go away! I don't want to answer anymore of your questions.

  Det. Frank Drebin : We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

• Mrs. Twice : Oh, poor Ralph! Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years?

  Det. Frank Drebin : No, I can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years.

  [Mrs. Twice makes sounds of trying not to cry] 

  Det. Frank Drebin : Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos - people didn't understand.

  [Ed gives Mrs. Twice a handkerchief and she starts crying into it] 

  Det. Frank Drebin : [to camera] 

  Det. Frank Drebin : Ran him outta town like a common pygmy.

  [Mrs. Twice starts crying a little harder] 

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Did he have any enemies?

  Mrs. Twice : Well the Democrats didn't like him.

  Det. Frank Drebin : [continues, to camera, with Mrs. Twice continuing to sob softly]  Sure, he was a physical education major but he had a mind! He could think, he wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later - had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note.

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Now, I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?

  Mrs. Twice : [crying]  No, no he never did.

  Capt. Ed Hocken : It was just a hunch.

  Det. Frank Drebin : [continues, to camera, with Mrs. Twice still going back into her softly sobbing mode]  I told him she was wrong. And that youngest boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same.

  [wistfully] 

  Det. Frank Drebin : You can't go back.

• Mrs. Twice : Oh, poor Ralph! And what about my daughter? What am I going to tell her?

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Yeah, you're gonna have to tell her something. Tell her he went on a long trip.

  Det. Frank Drebin : No wait a minute, how about a big monster came and took him to daddy heaven?

  Det. Frank Drebin : [Mrs Twice starts sobbing louder]  Nah...

  Capt. Ed Hocken : What about this: he threw himself on a grenade and saved the battalion. Yeah, that's it.

  [Mrs. Twice starts sobbing stronger] 

  Det. Frank Drebin : No, no, wait a minute, he was killed by a left wing insurgence from Paraguay?

  Det. Frank Drebin : [Mrs. Twice is sobbing uncontrollably now]  No, Bolivia.

  Capt. Ed Hocken : I got it! I got it, he, he was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.

  [Mrs. Twice can't stop sobbing, and Frank and Ed finally give up and give her an expression of helplessness] 

• Mrs. Twice : [while being interrogated about the murder of her husband]  Ralph was such a good man. Who could have done such a horrible thing?

  Capt. Ed Hocken : Did he owe any money? Doctor bills, gambling debts, book of the month club?

  Mrs. Twice : No, nothing. Just two more payments on our solar telescope.