- Jackie Harris: [about their old sleeping bag] If this bag could talk...
- Roseanne: I'd cut its tongue out, I would.
- Roseanne: [when Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene was having her appendex removed] Roseanne: Conner. C as in cat. O as in oof! N as in numb skull! N as in nit wit!! E as in empty headed!! R as in... *target*!!!
- Jackie Harris: [about the Annie Oakley sleeping bag] Mom gave this to me when I moved out incase I needed a place to stay for the rest of my life.
- Becky Conner: Did you really throw snowcones at the umpire?
- Roseanne: You weren't there. You didn't see the call.
- Darlene Conner: Can't you guys just leave me alone? I don't need you there to watch me pitch.
- Roseanne: Pitch, pitch, pitch. All she ever does is pitch.
- Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] I don't know how you remember all this stuff.
- Roseanne: What stuff?
- Dan Conner: Like when Darlene had the mumps.
- Roseanne: Well, because she had the mumps the same time D.J. and Becky had the mumps, Dan. You don't forget three kids having simultaneous mumps.
- Roseanne: Why this morning of all mornings did I have to yell at Darlene?
- Jackie Harris: Because she was being a pain in the butt.
- Roseanne: Oh, Jackie. She's just being 11.
- Jackie Harris: Roseanne, yelling at Darlene. That's like breathing. It's just an involuntary response.
- Foreign Man: [to Jackie] How are you, my wife? Is okay?
- Dan Conner: You better take him up on it, Jackie. That's liable to be your last proposal.
- Roseanne: I ask one little question and nobody can answer me. I asked, "What's going on with my kid?" That's not a stupid question. That's a question that deserves an answer. It's a question any human being has a right to know. Well, what's going on with my kid?
- Dan Conner: Tell 'em, kiddo.
- Dr. Bryce: Mr. and Mrs. Conner...
- Roseanne: Is Darlene all right?
- Dr. Bryce: She's fine.
- Roseanne: So what am I yelling about?
- Roseanne: Darlene, when are you gonna stop being such a smart mouth?
- Darlene Conner: Mmm... three weeks from next Tuesday.