- Former President George Bush: Bar and I are looking forward to watching the show, but I'm gonnas warn ya: I'm a channel surfer. And, if the sketches get long, I'm gonna flip right over to the "Tales From The Crypt". Just kidding, Dana.
- Former President George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is George Bush. I was your president from 1989 to 1993. And during that time, Saturday Night Live made fun of me on a fairly regular basis. Do I have any hard feelings about that? Yes, I do. And I'll have my revenge, when the time is right. Not now, wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. But revenge will be mine. Until then, I wish the show continued success.
- Weekend Update Anchor: And finally, in honor of the 50th anniversary of their first publication, Random House will be releasing special commemorative issues of many Dr.Suess classics. The first to hit the bookshelves will be "Green Eggs and Ham and O.J. is Guilty".
- Restaurant manager: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, boys. I just bought one of these electric pepper grinders for every table in the place! How about that, huh? You're both fired!