- Homer Simpson: [watching hi-definition TV] What a picture. You can see the soulless emptiness in that shark's eyes.
- [changes channels]
- Homer Simpson: Ooh, Two and a Half Men. You can see the soulless emptiness in Charlie Sheen's eyes.
- Charles: One more kind word from her, and I am completely smitten.
- Marge Simpson: Ooh, the toaster takes bagels. How ritzy.
- Charles: And there you have it.
- Charles: I have a joke.
- Marge Simpson: Ooh! I like jokes. As long as it's not a knock-knock joke. I always ruin them by saying "come in".
- Charles: So, there's a man, right? and he comes across a genie.
- Marge Simpson: That's funny!
- Charles: That's just the setup.
- Marge Simpson: Oh. Well, it's set me up for a lot of laughs.
- Charles: So, the genie says to the man "I'll give you three wishes, but everything you wish for, your wife will get double."
- Marge Simpson: Umm-hmmm.
- Charles: So, the man says "I want a brand new car," and the genie says "Your wife gets two!" You remember, the whole double...?
- [Marge smiles and nods]
- Charles: Then the man says "I want a house." "Your wife gets two!" You see how it works...? So now the man has one more wish, and here's the humor, right? The man says, "I want you to beat me half to death."
- [laughs]
- Charles: Right, you see? See, since the wife gets double, if the man gets beaten half to death, that means the wife would be beaten to death!
- Marge Simpson: That's not funny. That's horrible!
- Charles: I agree, simply awful, spousal abuse and all... It is a wee bit humorous, though, don't you think?
- Marge Simpson: No.
- Charles: No, of course not.
- Marge Simpson: I did like the part with the genie, though.
- Homer Simpson: [Homer is giving a report on CSI: Miami] There's this guy that got killed. I think it was in Miami. So CSI: Miami investigate-ted it. Then a family said how much they loved the Olive Garden. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, Letterman was talking to Alias.
- Doug the Cameraman: Sorry I ran out of tape before that beautiful speech of hers. But I got a great shot of him saying his son's a bastard.
- Bart Simpson: [Bart is giving his report on the Itchy and Scratchy cartoon he just watched] Then Itchy used an ice cream scoop to scoop out Scratchy's heart and make it a sundae. The end.