The Simpsons (TV Series)
The Day the Violence Died (1996)
Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson, Lester
Quotes
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Chester J. Lampwick : He didn't create Itchy: I did.
Bart Simpson : Huh?
Chester J. Lampwick : He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
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Krusty : Well, Itchy & Scratchy are gone. But here's a cartoon that tried to make learning fun! Sorry about this, kids. But stay tuned! We've got some real good toy commercials coming right up, I swear.
Kid : Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?
The Amendment : I'm not garbage.
[singing]
The Amendment : I'm an Amendment to be, yes an Amendment to be, and I'm hoping that they'll ratify me. There's a lot of flag burners who have got too much freedom. I wanna make it legal for policeman to beat'em, cause there's limits to our liberty, least I hope and prey that there are, 'cause those liberal freaks go too far!
Kid : Why can't we just make a law against flag burning?
The Amendment : Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we change the Constitution...
Kid : Then we can make all sorts of crazy laws!
The Amendment : Now you're catching on!
Bart Simpson : What the hell is this?
Lisa Simpson : It's one of those campy 70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X-ers.
Bart Simpson : We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
Kid : What if people say you're not good enough to be in the Constitution?
The Amendment : Then I'll crush all opposition to me, and I'll make Ted Kennedy pay, if he fights back, I'll say that he's gay!
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Bart : All right. The coast is clear. There's a box you can sleep in.
Chester J. Lampwick : Thanks.
Bart : Just move that cot outta the way.
Chester J. Lampwick : Okay.
Bart : Do you know what radon is?
Chester J. Lampwick : No.
Bart : Good night.
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Bart Simpson : [after film is destroyed, in a subdued voice] D'Oh.
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Bart : Lisa, f I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.
Lisa Simpson : Will do.
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Bart : Bye, mom. Bye, dad.
Lisa Simpson : Bye, mom. Bye, dad.
[together with Bart as they head out the front door]
Homer Simpson : Bye, kids. On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer.
Marge Simpson : Bart, Lisa, it's eleven o'clock of at night; where do you think you're going?
Bart : Downtown
Lisa Simpson : We gotta get seats for the Itchy & Scratchy parade.
Marge Simpson : I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold dangerous street all night. Homer, you go too.
Homer Simpson : Ohhh. Why can't they just take the gun?
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Bart : Cool. I'll give you 10 bucks for that.
Comic Book Guy : Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh. That drawing is worth exactly seven-hundred and fifty dollars American.
Bart : It's valuable, huh?
Comic Book Guy : Ew, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go! For the good of the city!
Bart : Loser.
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Bart : He's not a regular bum, mom. he's a genius bum. He created itchy, he's the father of cartoon violence.
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Bart : Show some respect, man. That "no talent" created Itchy and Scratchy.
Chester J. Lampwick : He didn't create Itchy and Scratchy, I did!
Bart : Huh?
Chester J. Lampwick : He stole the character from me in nineteen-twenty-eight. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
Bart : You invented Itchy - the Itchy and Scratchy Itchy?
Chester J. Lampwick : Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violence. Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele. I changed all of that.
Bart : Well, I'm not callin' you liar, but -
[sighs]
Bart : but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
Chester J. Lampwick : So, I'm a liar, am I?
Bart : Itchy the Lucky Mouse in: Manhattan Madness.
[reading the name of a tape reel case]
Chester J. Lampwick : That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made! And it was made by me - Chester J. Lampwick. Find me a ninty-year-old projector and Ill prove it to you.
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Bart : A thousand dollars? But your ad says "no money down."
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Bart : I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else. It was in the movie mr. lampwick showed me. Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919 - nine years before roger myers made his first itchy and scratchy cartoon.
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Bart : Look, if money's the only problem, I know a guy who has lots of it.
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Bart : Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons
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Bart : Well, I wasn't the one who solve the problem, and neither was lisa. There's something unsettling about that.
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Bart : How come I've never seen that Itchy & Scratchy before?
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Bart : Itchy runs afoul of an irishman.
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Bart : Look at that fat oaf.
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Bart : All right, chester! Woo!
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Bart : He just needs to stay here till tomorrow. We're goin' down to itchy & scratchy studios to pick up his check.
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Bart : So you don't work on a contingency basis?
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Bart : Hey, dad, can I have thousand dollars?
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Bart : To pay for a lawyer for my bum.
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Bart : Wait! There's an easy way to get rid of chester... without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter. And all it will cost you is a thousand dollars.
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Bart : I've got it! Dad, give me $750 dollars.
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Bart : Keep the trial going. I'll be right back.
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Bart : Careful. Careful. Whoops. It's there!
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Bart : We killed itchy and scratchy?
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Bart : You've got to make more itchy and scratchy cartoons.
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Bart : Hi, chester. Listen. Would you pay to make more itchy and scratchy cartoons?
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Bart : Dad, can we have $183,000 dollars?
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Bart : Yeah. I agree. You wanna start on tryin' to get apu out of jail?
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Bart : [pants] What a perfect plan. Now roger myers's hotel is just...
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Bart : What the hell is going on?
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Bart : I never even heard about that.
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Bart : [pants] I guess you don't need it now, but... we had a plan too.
