Tales from the Crypt (TV Series)

Fitting Punishment (1990)

Moses Gunn: Uncle Ezra Thornberry

Photos 

Quotes 

• Uncle Ezra Thornberry : The human body is one big cesspool. Food goes in, shit flows out, and blood flows all around.

• Uncle Ezra Thornberry : What you want, Clyde?

  Clyde : Bye, Mr. Thornberry.

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Where the hell you think you're going? You got work to do.

  Clyde : I ain't doing nothing. I'm quitting. Look, I know that nice young man didn't die in no *accident*, I know it. I can't prove it, but I *know* what I know.

• Bobby Thornberry : I'm Bobby. Your nephew. Your sister Ruby's kid.

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Who? My sister Ruby? Well you can tell that no good sister

  Bobby Thornberry : She's dead, Uncle Ezra.

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Oh really, how?

  Bobby Thornberry : Well, she got in a head on collision on I95, killed my daddy too.

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Head on, huh? Messy I bet, that's good for business. Charge a pretty penny to make their loved ones look presentable.

• Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Let me tell you about the mortuary business, boy. Like it says in the Bible, God helps the mourners for they are blessed.

  [pries open the corpse's mouth and yanks out a gold tooth] 

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : And God also helps those that help themselves.

• Uncle Ezra Thornberry : [Bobby dribbles a basketball]  You keep messing with that ball, I'll bounce *your* balls right out of here.

  Bobby Thornberry : Sorry, Uncle Ezra.

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : [points to a gurney]  You can sleep here.

  Bobby Thornberry : Here?

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : That's right, boy.

  Bobby Thornberry : [pause]  Thanks, Uncle Ezra.

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Put some bedding on it, it'll be fine. You know, the righteous need the divine light to see the truth.

  [turns out the light] 

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Besides, electricity costs money. Leave the lights alone, boy.

• Uncle Ezra Thornberry : This tub of lard will start to stink in a couple of days, that's why we've got to embalm him. Pass me that tube over there. Cleanliness is next to godliness, don't you know? Hold this.

  [hooks the tube up to the faucet] 

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Get in there.

  Bobby Thornberry : Aren't you supposed to use chemicals or something?

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : He's dead, you damn fool, he doesn't know the difference. Besides, those chemicals cost money. Just like it says in the Bible, a penny saved is a penny earned.

  Bobby Thornberry : Didn't Ben Franklin say that?

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : [hits him]  Don't you contradict me, boy!

• Bobby Thornberry : What's all this Chinese writing on the box?

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Made in Taiwan, you dummy. Half the price of US made. They're 6 inches shorter you know. The Taiwanese are smaller people, and I can use the coffins for most folks, no one knows the difference. And I charge full price.

• Doctor : Your nephew has suffered a severe spinal injury, Mr. Thornberry. He'll never walk again. How on earth did that happen?

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : His own carelessness I'm afraid. He fell down the stairs, if I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times no running inside. He's a spirited boy, you know, an athlete.

  Doctor : [grimly]  Not anymore.

• Bobby Thornberry : How could you sell my shoes!

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Don't you raise your voice at me, boy! Look at you, you're nothing but a helpless cripple! What're you going to do with shoes? All you're doing is costing me money, you're nothing but a damned burden!

  Bobby Thornberry : Well you should've thought of that before hitting me with the crowbar! I ought to call the sheriff.

• Doctor : Strange how he should happen to fall down the stairs again, isn't it, Mr. Thornberry?

  Uncle Ezra Thornberry : Perhaps for the best. The boy was full of vigor, he would've made a miserable cripple.

  Doctor : Such a *short* coffin for a boy so tall.