Tom Servo : You know, there are certain flaws in this film.
[as the toga-wearing women wrestle in the desert in 'Manos: the Hands of Fate'... ]
Joel : Next, on ESPN - Full-Contact Nightgown Wrestling.
Crow T. Robot : Designing Women: The Lost Episodes.
Tom Servo : And now the Manos Women's Guide will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel : You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow T. Robot : I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants! Ha-ha.
Tom Servo : You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I LIKE it, but it isn't Lysistrata.
Joel : You know, after this, they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each other's ears.
Crow T. Robot : Yep. Yep. It's the Wilson Phillips break up.
Tom Servo : Kind of wish this was shirts versus skins.
Joel : Heeey!
Crow T. Robot : Heh-heh-heh. Oh...
Tom Servo : Hoo-hoo, zing!
Joel : [sings] Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.
Crow T. Robot : [as the women continue wrestling] You know what this movie really needs?
Tom Servo : What's that?
Crow T. Robot : It's Mark Singer.
Joel : Oh, yeah.
Tom Servo : I'm guessin' THIS is the whole reason this movie was made, right here.
Joel : Pow! Boff! Smack!
Joel : [dressed in a Manos-like robe] Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN!
Tom Servo : Oh, hi, Joel.
Joel : [softly] Oh, come on, Tom. I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me for I am the magnet and you are steel!
Tom Servo : Well, you look like Maude.
Tom Servo : Torgo, you're missin' the fight. Get your dress on and get in there!
[Torgo peeps in at Margaret as she undresses]
Joel : [to the 'bots] Oh, listen, you guys. That's it. This is not for your eyes. I don't care. Uh-uh.
Tom Servo : [excitedly as Joel covers his and Crow's eyes] What is it? What is it? What's going on, Joel?
Joel : Shame on you, Dr. Forrester. Have you no sense of decency?
Crow T. Robot : What? What? Is Torgo juggling?
Tom Servo : Joel, we can handle THIS.
Crow T. Robot : Ho-ho, it's the latest episode of the Taster's Choice saga.
Joel : Showers, anyone?
Tom Servo : So, once again, in case you forgot... 'Manos: The Hands of Fate.'
[in the instructional short film 'Hired!,' the father slaps at his own head]
Tom Servo : Gah! Flying elves are back!
[Frank is dressed as an executioner]
Dr. Forrester : Oh, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me just say this about today's invention exchange - let them eat... chocolate.
TV's Frank : That's right J...
TV's Frank : [finds the mouth opening in his hood] That's right, Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
Dr. Forrester : That's right, Frank.
Dr. Forrester : [steps aside to reveal guillotine] That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Heh-heh-heh-heh. Ready, Mr. Executioner?
TV's Frank : Yes, my liege.
Dr. Forrester : [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Uh, off with their head Frank.
[Frank cuts the string]
Dr. Forrester : And no chocolate mess. Well, poopsies?
Tom Servo : [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
Crow T. Robot : Yeah. His only crime was being born delicious!
Tom Servo : No, wait a minute. Did this movie just lap itself?
Joel : Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, uh, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.
[Crow pops up on a leash]
Joel : It's pretty scary.
Tom Servo : Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.
Crow T. Robot : Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?
Joel : But, Tom, look!
Tom Servo : C'mon, Joel! The cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.
Joel : Oh, c'mon. Look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...
Crow T. Robot : Uh, Joel, uh, Tom's right. Um, um... It's just not working. You're not the evil type.
Joel : W-what do you mean?
Crow T. Robot : Well, for one thing, your... your face is too friendly; uh, second, your eyebrows, they arc softly as opposed to jutting inward; and, well, frankly, Joel, you... blush in the most adorable way.
Joel : This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.
[during yet another driving scene in Manos]
Tom Servo : So... so I told Gary that I was going on this vacation, so he goes "Well, then, I'm going hunting with Jeff next weekend." Well, that's when we were at knives, and then Lou sang 'Fernando' and then Gary - oh, he sings so good... , Oh, you should meet Jeff sometime. Do you like Barry Manilow songs? I know the farmers need rain, but when it's damp like this my hair just explodes. Just ex-PAH-LO-des. Ooh, ooh, feeling kinda gassy. McNuggets you know. They make me so gassy, all that grease and all. It really helps if you drink eight to ten glasses of water a day. Did you know that? Sometimes I drink five. Sometimes I drink nine just to make up for the other three I didn't drink. Coffee and diet drinks don't count either. You know this is pretty country isn't it. You know, it's really kind of a blessing in disguise that I didn't get accepted to college, huh? You know, I'm gonna have to revise my twenty-year plan but... Oh, did I tell you about my twenty-year plan? Okay, well, okay, listen here. In year one, this is the year when I'm gonna take off those extra seven pounds. You know, that's equal to seven pounds of butter. Heh-heh. So it's like I'm wearin' seven pounds of butter. Ha! Heh, huh, now, oh, oh, where was I? Oh, oh, yeah, so my aunt and uncle here, they celebrated their twentieth anniversary, and my uncle here wanted to sing, uh, 'Sunset Sunrise.' He wanted ME to sing it, and I haven't sung that since Cindy's wedding and, well, she never thanked me for that. Well, I'm still... Uh, well, she's probably really busy and all with...
Tom Servo : [seeing Torgo cornering Margret and stroking her hair] When carnies flirt.
[Torgo is reaching uncomfortably up Margret's shoulder]
Tom Servo : [singing] I want a lover with a slow hand...
Margaret : [singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...
Tom Servo : Come on, sing, sing, sing, damn it, sing!
Tom Servo : [maniacally] That's it, sing, "Down the Stream," yes!
Tom Servo : Torgo, you're the laziest man on Mars.
Old Man Warren : Remember how closely he worked with you the first year? He used to tell me about it.
Tom Servo : He ripped you a new one everyday.
Tom Servo : [referencing Frank Zappa's "Dirty Love"] Hey, look! Poodle bites, poodle chews.
Tom Servo : The rod and thy staff discomfort me.
Tom Servo : Uh-oh. Officer Interruptus.
Tom Servo : Oh, come on, die. My arms are getting tired.
Tom Servo : [as a vocalist belts out the theme song] I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.