The Pink Panther 2 (2009)

John Cleese: Dreyfus

Photos 

Quotes 

• Insp. Jacques Clouseau : You are under arrest!

  Sonia : Let me go, or I will destroy it.

  [Sonia takes what she believes to be the Pink Panther from her purse, and draws a gun] 

  Dreyfus : Let her go.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Let her do it.

  Dreyfus : [shocked]  Are you insane?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [Sonia tosses what appears to be the Pink Panther into the air, shooting it into millions of fragments; she attempts to run into a hallway, only for Ponton to hit her face with a metal serving tray]  Good work, Ponton.

  Ponton : Thank you.

  Dreyfus : You moron! You twerp! You sad excuse for a human being! You have just destroyed the sacred symbol of France!

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Ponton, did you bring what I asked for? Boys...

  [Louis and Antoine bring a small jewelry case] 

  Louis : Here it is, Uncle Jacques.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Yes, yes.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : I knew the Tornado would eventually come after the Pink Panther, so I went to the museé with a simple plan in mind. I had convinced my old friend, Robert the night guard, to turn off the security system for the few moments necessary to save the most beautiful object in France. I then switched the Pink Panther with the replica I had at home.

  [Clouseau takes the real Pink Panther from the case] 

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : This is the real Pink Panther. It was the fake that was stolen.

  Dreyfus : [to himself]  Nightmare, nightmare.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : And when the Tornado, an expert on the quality of gems, wrote in his supposed suicide note of its great beauty, I knew he could never have been the thief; he would have recognized it as a fake.

  Vicenzo : How did you figure out it was Sonia?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : It was because I spent the last 17 months on parking duty.

  Dreyfus : What?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Today I was staring at Miss Solandres' license plate. I recognized it because of my... unique system of cross-referencing. I became aware that I had given a parking ticket to the same car, two days before Miss Solandres claimed she arrived in Paris... one day before the Pink Panther was stolen.

  [the guests applaud Clouseau, who has just thwarted Sonia Solandres] 

  Dreyfus : You followed my instructions very well, Clouseau. It was I, of course, who put Clouseau onto the parking ticket assignment. Isn't that so, Inspector?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : No.

  [Clouseau winks at Chief Inspector Dreyfus, who instructed him to deny any knowledge of the assignment] 

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : And at Avellaneda's mansion, when I sensed the presence of the Tornado, he was there, all right. But it was not a he, it was a she!

  [the guests and the Dream Team applaud Clouseau's success] 

• [first lines] 

  British Librarian : [inside the British Library]  I now bring to your attention one of the most stunning treasures inside the British Library's entire collection: the Magna Carta.

  [the tourists murmur at the stolen Magna Carta display, with The Tornado's calling card left at the scene] 

  Turin Guide : [inside the Turin Chapel]  And now, over here, perhaps the most cherished ancient artifact in the Western world: the Shroud of Turin.

  [the tourists gasp at the empty display case, with the Tornado's calling card at the scene of the crime] 

  Japanese Curator : [inside the Kyoto palace, where the policemen and museum curator arrive at the scene; the curator gasps as The Tornado has left another calling card where the Imperial Sword has been stolen]  The Imperial sword!

  Joubert's Secretary : [at the French government offices in Paris, to Joubert]  Chief Inspector Dreyfus is here to see you.

  Joubert : Chief Inspector.

  Dreyfus : Sir.

  Joubert : I'm sure you know why you're here: the British, the Italians, and the Japanese are assembling an elite squad of their finest detectives, an international Dream Team to track down this... Tornado.

  Dreyfus : And, uh, France will be represented?

  Joubert : Exactly.

  Dreyfus : I am honored, but not surprised. This is the culmination of my career... the moment that I've been waititing for all my life.

  Joubert : No, no, no.

  Dreyfus : Well, not all my life, perhaps...

  Joubert : No, no...

  Dreyfus : No, nevertheless...

  Joubert : They want Clouseau, since he is considered the top detective in the world. We have been asked if Clouseau is available to lead the Dream Team.

  Dreyfus : Clouseau?

  Joubert : Yes, yes.

  [Dreyfus remains silent from shock at the mention of Clouseau's name] 

  Joubert : Is there something wrong?

  Dreyfus : No, no, not at all. Um, would you mind if I uh, use your bathroom just for a moment?

  Joubert : Certainly.

  Dreyfus : Thank you.

  [Dreyfus leaves Joubert's office and enters a bathroom] 

  Dreyfus : Clouseau...

  [Dreyfus bangs his head on the wall and sink counter in frustration, then pushes the toilet's handle; a moment later, he re-enters Joubert's office] 

  Dreyfus : I'm afraid, sir, that Clouseau is currently occupied.

  Joubert : What?

  Dreyfus : I've assigned him to a mission so important for our country, that I fear for our national security if he was taken off it.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau is on parking meter duty in a park near the Eiffel Tower; he takes out a tape measure, and measures the distance between a parked car and the curb]  Clearly a violation, parking ticket.

• Dreyfus : [learns that Clouseau will take the Tornado case]  Oh, Clouseau?

  Joubert : Yes, yes.

  [Joubert sees Dreyfus disappointed, in a dissimulated way - no audio] 

  Joubert : Is there something wrong?

  Dreyfus : [stops with his angry face]  No, no, not at all. Would you mind if I, uh, use your bathroom for a moment?

  Joubert : Certainly.

  Dreyfus : Thank you.

  [Dreyfus goes to the bathroom, then he looks at himself in a mirror] 

  Dreyfus : Clouseau.

  [breathes deeply] 

  Dreyfus : [he hits himself several times - Joubert hears the noise, but low] 

  [Dreyfus continues hitting himself until he stops] 

  Dreyfus : [he sighs, then flushes the toilet to simulate, then he exits the bathroom] 

• Dreyfus : [Chief Inspector Dreyfus is talking on the phone while his portrait is hung over the newly-installed security system]  Right.

  Dreyfus : [Dreyfus hangs up]  Are you finished yet?

  Security Installer : Complete and operational.

  Renard : Chief Inspector, your new system will monitor and record every word and every movement in this room.

  Dreyfus : So, uh, if anyone breaks in, what happens?

  Renard : Your office is linked to the elite Black Berets; they will be here in seconds.

  Woman on intercom : [the intercom buzzes]  Sir, Inspector Clouseau is here to see you.

  Dreyfus : Send him in.

  Renard : Clouseau?

  Dreyfus : I have to appoint him to the Dream Team.

  Renard : Clouseau?

  Dreyfus : [stammers]  Dont, don't ask, don't-...

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau enters Dreyfus's office]  Good afternoon, Chief Inspector, I'm here with my report.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau's file folder gets caught up in his Medal of Honor ribbon; he pronounces the 'H' in honor instead of the usual silent 'H' French pronunciation]  This darn Medal of Honor! You are so fortunate you never got one, Chief Inspector. You look so tidy having no honors or other forms of distinguishing décor.

  Dreyfus : Why don't you wear it under your shirt; you know, out of sight?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Brilliant idea, Chief Inspector; that way, it won't clang around. Now, the parking ticket situation. Over the last 6 weeks, I've given out almost 4 parking tickets: one at the Musée, overtime, and one, you'll recall, to you, in violation of the bent license plate law.

  Dreyfus : Yes, I recall.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : It's all there in the report.

  Dreyfus : Fascinating! Well, I shall waste no time in reading it.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : And just in case, I've deftly catalogued, numbered, and cross-referenced each offense here in my little black book.

  Dreyfus : Now Clouseau, you remember... when I first put you on that parking ticket detail...

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Yes; you explained it was a top-level assignment.

  Dreyfus : And that if anyone ever asked you if I was the one who had assigned you to this incredibly important mission, you would deny it?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau acts as though he was denying any involvement in the assignment]  Why Chief Inspector, I don't even know what you are talking about.

  Dreyfus : [Clouseau jokingly winks at Dreyfus in acknowledgement]  Good work, Clouseau.

• Dreyfus : What - How did you know that we were being recorded?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Ah, easy, Inspector: this pen emits a small 'bipping' noise whenever it detects 'meecrowaves'. Radio Shack, $12.

  Dreyfus : What - How did you know the password?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : This little LED chip decodes passwords; I had it attached to the back of my Medal of 'Hon-nor'.

  Renard : Radio Shack?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau takes what appears to be a small tape recorder from his pocket]  eBay; I got this there, too. What do you think this is?

  Renard : A tape recorder?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : No. It only looks like a tape recorder; it's actually a pen.

  Renard : So you can write with it, and no one will know.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Bingo!

• Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Now, you were saying, Inspector.

  Dreyfus : Eh, you are being re-assigned.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Let me read your mind: the Tornado is at large, and you want me to protect the Pink Panther.

  Dreyfus : No.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : No?

  Dreyfus : It is my job to protect the Pink Panther. You've merely been re-assigned to the Dream Team.

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Oh, that is quite an honor, but I cannot accept.

  Dreyfus : What?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : If Inspector Clouseau were to leave France, the Tornado would surely strike at the Pink Panther!

  Dreyfus : *I'm* guarding it!

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : But...

  Dreyfus : Don't argue! You fly to Kyoto in the morning!

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : But I can't fly!

  Dreyfus : [yells in frustration]  In a plane!

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : Oh, but still...

  Dreyfus : That's an order!

  [Clouseau salutes Dreyfus before leaving his office] 

• Dreyfus : Now, to, uh... to business.

  Dreyfus : [Clouseau holds his pen in the air, it makes a slight beeping sound]  I have been, uh, instructed to re-assign you to...

  Dreyfus : [the beeping sound grows stronger]  Clouseau? Clouseau...

  Dreyfus : [Clouseau starts tossing his pen and objects from Dreyfus's desk at the security cameras and ripping Dreyfus's portrait to remove the tape recorder]  Aahhhh...

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : We were being recorded!

  Renard : [Dreyfus whimpers as the Black Berets break through Dreyfus's office windows]  The Black Berets!

  Black Beret : [yelling]  The password! What is the password?

  Dreyfus : I don't know!

  Black Beret : [the agent subdues Dreyfus for interrogation]  Four! Three!

  Renard : We weren't yet told!

  Black Beret : Two! One!

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [Clouseau looks at the back of his Medal of Honor and mispronounces "Hamburger"]  Amburgar!

  Black Beret : Have a nice day.

  [the agents leave Dreyfus's office] 

  Dreyfus : The password was "hamburger"?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : No, "amburgar".

  Dreyfus : I said "hamburger".

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : [repeating Dreyfus's mispronunciation]  No, you said "amburger".

  Dreyfus : Amburger?

  Insp. Jacques Clouseau : No, "am-bur-grr".