Tropic Thunder (2008)
Jack Black: Jeff Portnoy - Hot LZ
Photos
Quotes
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[Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay]
Jeff Portnoy : [Tied to a tree and going through cocaine withdrawals] Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.
Alpa Chino : Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy!
Jeff Portnoy : I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.
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Jeff Portnoy : Hey, Radar. Elvins.
Kevin Sandusky : It's Kevin.
Jeff Portnoy : Kev - whatever the fuck, come over here. I didn't tell you, but Fatties Fart 3 is coming down the pike and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me.
Kevin Sandusky : Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out.
Jeff Portnoy : Your mother's a cankerous whore!
Kevin Sandusky : Jesus, man!
Jeff Portnoy : Hey, man, remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not.
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Kirk Lazarus : You gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"
Tugg Speedman : It's Me Tugg.
Kirk Lazarus : That's right! Now, Tugg who?
Tugg Speedman : Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
Kirk Lazarus : Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
Kevin Sandusky : What?
Kirk Lazarus : You a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman : Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy : What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman : ...by playing other dudes.
Kirk Lazarus : I know what dude I am!
Tugg Speedman : You're scared.
Kirk Lazarus : I ain't scared. Scared of what?
Tugg Speedman : Or scared of who?
Kirk Lazarus : Scared of who!
Kevin Sandusky : Come on guys. We really need to go!
Tugg Speedman : Scared of you!
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Jeff Portnoy : So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus : No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy : How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus : Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
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Alpa Chino : Yeah... but those dudes was trained soldiers.
Kirk Lazarus : [cocks unloaded pistol] Yeah! And we trained actors, mothafucka! Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat. Some of us might not even make it back.
Jeff Portnoy : What do you mean? Like, not on the same flight?
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Jeff Portnoy : [shoves drugs in two guards' faces and they drop to the ground] Let's move! We only have 16 hours before they wake up!
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Jeff Portnoy : [to Four Leaf] You grew hands?
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Jeff Portnoy : [after Jeff catches the bat that stole his heroin] Hahaha! Now you're dead! You OD'ed!
[he takes a bite out of the bat]
Jeff Portnoy : Aaaagghh! Fucking hell!
Alpa Chino : What the hell? Jeff, that was a BAT, man!
Jeff Portnoy : I don't have any more... jellybeans.
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Kevin Sandusky : [Kevin walks up to Jeff and causes him to spill his heroin] Hey Jeff what are you doin?
Jeff Portnoy : Fuckin'. Nothing man I'm eating jelly beans.
Kevin Sandusky : Whoa jelly beans can I have...
Jeff Portnoy : No you can't have any fuckin' jelly beans! You think you're the only one who gets sick when he doesn't get his jelly beans? Boundaries man...
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Jeff Portnoy : [heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.
Kirk Lazarus : Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body! Now, Mr. Portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk, put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!
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Jeff Portnoy : [after he and his co stars are left alone with Damien in the jungle] This is bullshit! I gotta at least call my fucking assistant.
[Damien slaps Jeff several times]
Jeff Portnoy : Ow! Fucking! Jesus! Dude!
Damien Cockburn : You're sitting on a nest of hostile enemy V.C. Congratulations, Fats! You just got us all killed.
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Jeff Portnoy : [after catching the bat that stole his drugs] Ha! You O-Ded!
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Jeff Portnoy : Let me tell you something. A lot of people are disrespecting me. They say that the movie's just about farts. It's about family, and f...
[swear word gets bleeped]
Jeff Portnoy : ... you! You can't do what I do.
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Jeff Portnoy : I don't wanna die like Hendrix!
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Tugg Speedman : You tell the world what happened here.
Kirk Lazarus : What happened here?
Tugg Speedman : I don't know, but you need to tell them.
[Tugg turns around and walks back over the bridge]
Jeff Portnoy : Where is he going? We're gonna fucking die!
Four Leaf Tayback : Laz, come on! He joined the circus. Let's go!
Kirk Lazarus : You've got hands? Fuck, you've got hands?
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Jeff Portnoy : [running in his underwear holding the Flaming Dragon leader] Don't judge me!
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Kirk Lazarus : I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude disgused as another dude!
Kevin Sandusky : What?
Kirk Lazarus : You're a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman : Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy : What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman : - by playing other dudes?
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Jeff Portnoy : Listen you cherry fuck, you call in that snake'n nape and get us some boomboom now!
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Kevin Sandusky : [Jeff staring at heroin] Jeff! Don't!
Jeff Portnoy : Doesn't matter what I do. I'll always be a screw-up no one will ever respect me.
Kevin Sandusky : That is not true, you're not screw-up you make so many people laugh.
Jeff Portnoy : They only laugh at my farts.
Kevin Sandusky : Jeff, we really need to go now!
Jeff Portnoy : This is all I deserve.
[Jeff grabs the pile heroin]
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Jeff Portnoy : Let's move, we only have sixteen hours before they wake up!
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Jeff Portnoy : [as Fats] Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley, first thing I'm doin' is payin' my two bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry on a sweet little mama son's dinky-down poon-tang!
Alpa Chino : Shit, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged fuckin' the cootchie. He die, he probably die a cootchless motha fucka! hahaha!
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Jeff Portnoy : Hey, look, man. I got something to tell ya.
Kevin Sandusky : Okay.
Jeff Portnoy : You know those jelly beans I was eating? Well, they weren't jelly beans. Kay? They were drugs.
Kevin Sandusky : [sarcastic] Really?
Jeff Portnoy : I get down there near the mother load, I am done. I'm jonesing bad, man. I'm gonna fucking do all the heroin in the fucking world!
[twitching]
Jeff Portnoy : If you guys wanna make it through this thing, you gotta strap me to a tree!
[grabs him]
Kevin Sandusky : Uh, are you... are you serious?
Jeff Portnoy : Yeah, I'm serious. Literally, a tree. And no matter what, you can't fucking untie me until it is done. Until it is out of my system. I'm gonna say "Hey, man, I'm cool. It's cool, I'm fine. I'm finally better, I'm finally better. Untie me." DON'T LISTEN TO ME! Anything I fucking say is a LIE!
Kevin Sandusky : You got it.
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Jeff Portnoy : [experiencing drug withdrawal] Oh, God! It's cold! It's freezing. I'm fucking cold.
Alpa Chino : You want my flak jacket?
Jeff Portnoy : What, are you insane? It's boiling! It's like a sweat lodge out here!
Kirk Lazarus : Keep the volume down on that bitching, Flatch Adams.
Jeff Portnoy : I gotta take a fucking 12-pound shit!
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Kevin Sandusky : [to Jeff] I got a baaaad feeling on this one there, Fats.
Jeff Portnoy : [as Fats] Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley, first thing I'm doin' is payin' my two bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry on a sweet little mama son's dinky-down poon-tang!
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Jeff Portnoy : Must... drink... so I can... throw something... up.
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Kirk Lazarus : Your gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"
Tugg Speedman : It's Me Tugg.
Kirk Lazarus : That's right! Now, Tugg who?
Tugg Speedman : Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
Kirk Lazarus : Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
Kevin Sandusky : What?
Kirk Lazarus : You a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman : Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy : What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman : ...by playing other dudes.
Kirk Lazarus : I know what dude I am!
Tugg Speedman : You're scared.
Kirk Lazarus : I ain't scared. Scared of what?
Tugg Speedman : Or scared of who?
Kirk Lazarus : Scared of who!
Kevin Sandusky : Come on guys. We really need to go!
Tugg Speedman : Scared of you!
