Bill & Ted Face the Music (2020)
Alex Winter: Bill
Photos
Quotes
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Bill : [Bill and Ted are giving a wedding toast] Hello, friends and loved ones.
Ted : Let us welcome you to this most joyous of occasions.
Bill : Ted and I have known Missy in different capacities for many decades. First, she was our babysitter when we were 10.
Ted : Then we both invited her to the prom when she was a senior and we were freshmen.
Bill : Two years later, she married my dad, and Missy became Mom.
Ted : After divorcing Bill's dad, she married my dad and became my mom.
Bill : Yeah. And now she's marrying Ted's little brother, Officer Deacon Logan.
[Missy and Deacon kiss as the crowd applauds]
Ted : Missy, Bill and I, along with my beautiful wife Elizabeth and our daughter Billie...
Bill : ...and my beautiful wife Joanna and our daughter Thea, all wanna welcome you back...
Bill , Ted : [in unison] ... with open arms!
Bill : This happy event would seem to make Deacon his own father-in-law. And Ted his own uncle.
Ted : Not to mention making my dad his own son.
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[after their disastrous wedding performance]
Bill : Chief Logan, the people in the future told us...
Chief Logan : Bill, Bill, Bill, you didn't time travel!
Ted : We did.
Chief Logan : Your wives aren't from medieval England!
Bill : They are!
Chief Logan : And you didn't go to Heaven and Hell.
Bill : We did!
Chief Logan : You didn't!
Bill : We did!
Chief Logan : And you know why? Because it's impossible!
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Dr. Taylor Wood : Ted, is there something you feel your wife needs to hear from you?
Ted : Yeah. Totally.
[turns to Elizabeth]
Ted : We love you guys.
Bill : Aww, that is good, dude!
Dr. Taylor Wood : In a way, yes. I mean, it is great to feel loved. But do you understand how that might sound strange to your wives? I'll shoot this at Bill.
Bill : No. I mean, we love 'em.
Dr. Taylor Wood : Oh. "We love them."
Bill : Yeah.
Ted : Yeah, we do.
Dr. Taylor Wood : Okay. It's the "we" part. Um... Ted, can you say the same thing, but instead of "we", say "I" in the sentence?
Ted : Oh. Yeah. Of course.
[turns back to Elizabeth]
Ted : Elizabeth?
Elizabeth : Yes?
Ted : I and Bill love you and Joanna.
Elizabeth : [chagrinned] Okay.
Bill : [whispering] Dude, with all due respect, I don't think you're quite getting this.
Ted : [whispering] Go for it, dude.
Bill : Okay. I'm gonna do one.
Dr. Taylor Wood : Yes. Go for it, dude.
Bill : Okay.
[turns to Joanna, clears his throat, and takes a deep breath]
Bill : Joanna?
Joanna : Mmm-hmm?
Bill : From the very, very bottom of I and Ted's hearts, I and Ted totally love and worship you and Elizabeth.
[pause]
Ted : Perfect, dude.
Bill : Awesome, dude, thanks.
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Bill , Ted : How's it goin', Bill and Ted?
58-Year-Old Bill : How'd you like our song?
Bill : Is that a song?
58-Year-Old Bill : Yes!
Ted : It's a little on the dark side, but, you know, that's cool.
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Dr. Taylor Wood : [Bill and Ted have booked joint couples therapy] So, do you understand why this situation might seem at all strange to your wives?
Ted : No. Not at all. Why?
Dr. Taylor Wood : Well, when your wives suggested couples therapy, do you think that this is what they had in mind?
Bill : Well, definitely. I mean, we're a couple of couples, right?
Ted : That is true.
Bill : Yeah.
Dr. Taylor Wood : But usually with couples therapy, it means just one couple.
[pause]
Ted : That makes sense.
Bill : [chuckles] Yeah.
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Chief Logan : Here's a real idea for you two.
Bill : Here it comes, dude.
Chief Logan : Get real jobs. Be role models to your daughters. Oh, never mind. You are. They're twenty-four. They live at home, and they're unemployed. You remember when you used to call them Little Bill, Little Ted?
Billie : You used to think it was cute, Gramps.
Chief Logan : Yeah, well, it turned out to be a curse. All I ever see them do is sit around and listen to music.
Thea : That is our primary activity, definitely.
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The Great Leader : Twenty-five years ago, Wyld Stallyns played a concert at the Grand Canyon.
Bill : That's true.
The Great Leader : One month ago, you played the Elks Lodge in Barstow, California, for forty people, most of whom were there only because it was $2 taco night, whatever the hell that means.
Bill , Ted : Well, yeah. We did!
The Great Leader : You were supposed to unite the world in song.
[looks at Kelly]
The Great Leader : According to her father, a song created by Preston/Logan...
Bill : That's us, dude.
The Great Leader : ...at a concert performed by everyone in the band at 7:17 p.m. at MP 46, that's tonight, will save reality as we know it, uniting humanity across all time.
Ted : Wait. I'm sorry. What?
Bill : Did you say, "Reality as we know it"?
The Great Leader , Other Great Leaders : Yes!
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Bill : OK, we get it... you're a grateful, totally insecure, somehow dead robot named Dennis Caleb McCoy.
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50 Year Old Bill : Oh, hello!
50 Year Old Ted : We totally forgot you were coming. How great to see you.
Ted : What are you talking about? You totally ran away from us.
50 Year Old Bill : Look, guys, we know exactly what you're thinking. Why would we be playing Open Mic Night at 6:15 p.m. when, I fact, we have become such huge rock stars again.
Bill : Yeah.
50 Year Old Ted : Here's the answer. Us being here is humorously ironic.
50 Year Old Bill : Do you believe us?
Ted : No.
Bill : Not at all.
50 Year Old Ted : Well, I feel sorry for you, then.
Bill : Dude, I think we came to early. These other us's don't have the song.
50 Year Old Ted : Why don't you go write it for yourselves instead of trying to steal it from us?
Ted : You're the one who couldn't write it, Ted.
50 Year Old Ted : Well, you're the one who lost his wife, Ted.
Bill : What are you talking about?
50 Year Old Bill : Here's what happened, Bill. After you failed couples therapy, Liz and Jo were visited by other thems from the future who gave them a phone booth and sent them all through time and space looking for just one life where they could be happy with you!
50 Year Old Ted : And guess what?
50 Year Old Bill , 50 Year Old Ted : They didn't find one!
50 Year Old Bill : And now we've been alone for two years 'cause you sent our wives away.
50 Year Old Bill , 50 Year Old Ted : Yes way!
Ted : Our wives have been gone for two years and you didn't do anything about it?
50 Year Old Bill : Oh, you did, all right. You went back and made it worse!
50 Year Old Ted : And guess what else? Your daughters won't even talk to you.
Bill : What?
Ted : You're a dick, Ted!
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Bill : Why are you guys in prison?
58-Year-Old Ted : Oh, maybe because you guys left us to take the fall five years ago.
Ted : Ah. That's funny, 'cause for us it's only, like, five minutes ago. So, we'll be leaving now.
58-Year-Old Ted : You're not goin' anywhere, pretty boy.
58-Year-Old Bill : We've been waiting for years to make things right.
58-Year-Old Ted : But everything's gonna be different. 'Cause unlike those last us's, we actually have a song.
Bill : Is it a song?
58-Year-Old Ted , 58-Year-Old Bill : Yes!
Bill : Bill, Ted, seriously, we can't take that song back.
58-Year-Old Bill : Oh, you're not taking it back, Curly. We're taking it back!
58-Year-Old Ted : You're gonna stay here and rot and we're gonna go get lives and and our wives back!
58-Year-Old Bill : And unite the world!
58-Year-Old Ted : And save reality.
58-Year-Old Ted , 58-Year-Old Bill : Yes!
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Ted : Dude. We've spent our whole life trying to write the song that will unite the world. What makes us think we can write it in, like, 75 minutes?
Bill : Ted, we had to have written that song. The people in the future told us we did.
Ted : Yeah. I guess.
Bill : Which means we have it in us, dude. Maybe we just haven't written it yet. Maybe we're still gonna.
Ted : Well, if we haven't written it yet, but we know we're gonna at some point, why can't we just go to the future when we have written it?
Bill : And take it from ourselves!
Ted : Yeah!
Bill : Ted! You have had many counterintuitive ideas over the years, but this by far the most counterintuitivest of them all, dude!
Ted : Except, won't that be stealing?
Bill : How is that stealing if we're stealing it from ourselves, dude?
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Bill : Sometimes things don't make sense until the end of the story.
