Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom (2007)

Angus T. Jones: Jake Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [taking a photo of Jake, before he gets on the school bus]  Smile.

  Jake Harper : About what?

  Alan Harper : I need a current photo, in case you go missing.

  Charlie Harper : Alan, don't be ridiculous. They never find those kids!

• Berta : Make friends with the janitor. They usually have their own bathroom.

  Jake Harper : Okay.

  Berta : Just never drink out of his Thermos.

  Jake Harper : All right.

  Berta : And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you. Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son-of-a-bitch!

• Alan Harper : I got you a little present. Your very own cell phone.

  Jake Harper : Oh, cool!

  Alan Harper : Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only.

  Jake Harper : Emergencies? What emergencies?

  Charlie Harper : [Pretending to use a cell phone]  Dad, come get me! I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet!

  Alan Harper : That only happened once.

  Charlie Harper : If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you, you'd have missed Thanksgiving.

• Jake Harper : I bet it's swamp ass.

  Charlie Harper : What's swamp ass?

  Berta : Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass.

  Jake Harper : Man, I hate swamp ass.

• Alan Harper : Things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.

  Jake Harper : Like what?

  Alan Harper : Well, always keep your money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.

  Jake Harper : How come?

  Alan Harper : Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you 'til they get something.

  Jake Harper : Who are "they"?

  Alan Harper : The big kids, holding you by your ankles and plunging your head in the toilet.

  Jake Harper : [Worried look on face]  Plunging my head in the toilet?

  Charlie Harper : D-don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan!

  [to Jake] 

  Charlie Harper : It's not so much plunging as... dipping.

• Charlie Harper : Gettin' hit in the face hurts, but you know what hurts more?

  Jake Harper : A kick in the crotch?

  Charlie Harper : [not the example he was going to use]  Well, yeah, sure...

  Jake Harper : I took a soccer ball to the 'nads once, thought my eyes were gonna pop out.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah, but, but, but that, that pain passes. What hurts more, and lasts longer than anything, is the humiliation of running away.

  Jake Harper : Couldn't ride my bike for a week.

  Alan Harper : Ah, Jake, I think you're missing the point.

  Jake Harper : Makes ya wonder what they're doin' hangin' down there in the first place.