The Hangover (2009)
Bradley Cooper: Phil
Alan Garner : What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil Wenneck : How'd he die?
Alan Garner : World War II.
Phil Wenneck : Died in battle?
Alan Garner : No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.
Alan Garner : [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings : I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner : Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price : It's also illegal.
Alan Garner : It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck : I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner : Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.
Alan Garner : Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil Wenneck : Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu Price : I don't know, because I don't remember.
Phil Wenneck : Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Alan Garner : One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.
Stu Price : You are literally too stupid to insult.
Phil Wenneck : Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.
Phil Wenneck : [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.
Phil Wenneck : To a night the four of us will never forget!
Phil Wenneck : [a kid tries to ask him a question at school] It's the weekend, Budnick. I don't know you. You do not exist.
Officer Franklin : [to a group of schoolchildren] Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal
[tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]
Officer Franklin : ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
Officer Franklin : Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
[Alan steps forward]
Officer Franklin : Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
Officer Franklin : You, pretty boy.
Officer Franklin : [to girl] Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
Phil Wenneck : You don't really want to do this.
Officer Franklin : You can do this. Just focus.
Phil Wenneck : Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
Officer Franklin : *Finish him!*
[the girl tasers Phil]
Officer Franklin : Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
Officer Franklin : Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
[the kid tasers Alan]
Officer Franklin : *In the face! In the face!*
Phil Wenneck : Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner : Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
Phil Wenneck : Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up.
Tracy Garner : What are you talking about?
Phil Wenneck : The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we lost Doug.
Tracy Garner : What?
Phil Wenneck : We can't find Doug.
Tracy Garner : What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil Wenneck : Yeah... that's not gonna happen.
Old Timer at Gas Station : [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
Alan Garner : Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner : Yeah. You better walk on...
Phil Wenneck : [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.
Doug Billings : Yeah, he means well.
Alan Garner : [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.
Alan Garner : Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
Phil Wenneck : Who cares, man.
Alan Garner : Do you know Stu?
Stu Price : I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan Garner : But it's not tonight right?
Stu Price : No I don't think so.
Alan Garner : But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.
Doug Billings : We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu Price : I say we delete it right now.
Phil Wenneck : Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan Garner : Yeah it's in there!
Doug Billings : Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil Wenneck : Deal!
Stu Price : Deal.
Alan Garner : OK.
[the four of them look into the camera]
Stu Price : Oh dear Lord!
Alan Garner : That's classic!
Phil Wenneck : You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner : Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck : The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?
Alan Garner : It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck : So does Joy Behar.
Phil Wenneck : [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa] What the hell is that?
Stu Price : What's it look like?
Phil Wenneck : If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!
Doug Billings : She's not that bad.
Phil Wenneck : Doug, she beats him!
Stu Price : That was once, and I was out of line.
Stu Price : [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.
Alan Garner : Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?
Phil Wenneck : No, I'm not cool with that.
Phil Wenneck : Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price : Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck : It's not our baby.
Alan Garner : Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
Phil Wenneck : Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
Phil Wenneck : [leaving the school at which he teaches] Would you shut up and drive, before any of these nerds asks me another question.
Stu Price : [about the cops after releasing them early] Fuck those guys! You hear me? That was bullshit! I'm tellin' everybody we stole a cop car! You can't just do that! You can't just tease people because you think it's funny! That's police brutality!
Stu Price : I'm getting a soda. You guys want anything?
Phil Wenneck : No.
Doug Billings : All good with Melissa?
Stu Price : Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck : Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price : Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck : Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu Price : Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck : And you believe that?
Stu Price : Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.
Phil Wenneck : Who was that guy? He was so mean!
Phil Wenneck : [drunk] Fuck this tiger!