- Alan Harper: Are you aware that you haven't had a paying job in nine months?
- Charlie Harper: Are you aware that urine cures athlete's foot?
- [Alan looks into signing up for drug trials]
- Clinician: In such cases, common side effects include dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflamed gums...
- Alan Harper: [Nervous] Okay...
- Clinician: ...mild nausea, heart palpitations, liver damage...
- Alan Harper: [More nervous] Wow!
- Clinician: ...boils, shingles, sudden fainting and temporary darkening of the stools.
- Alan Harper: [Shocked] Dear Lord! How much do you pay people to do this?
- Clinician: $1,000 a week.
- Alan Harper: I'm in!
- Jake Harper: Did you get Mom a present when you got divorced?
- Alan Harper: A present?
- Jake Harper: Yeah. You know, a memento of your time together.
- Alan Harper: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
- [Alan goes to Evelyn's to ask her for money]
- Evelyn Harper: [Comes to the front door dressed as a schoolgirl] What can I do for you, Alan?
- Alan Harper: [pause] Nothing. Never mind.
- Charlie Harper: Relax. Something will turn up.
- Alan Harper: [Ill after suffering the side effects from the drug trial] I'm pretty sure something's already turned up. I think I just dropped a third testicle.
- Alan Harper: [about to give Berta bad news about a possible cut in wages] First and foremost, you know that we consider you a beloved member of this family...
- Berta: [Interrupting] Alan, you can roll manure in powdered sugar, but it still ain't a jelly doughnut.