- Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
- Charlie Harper: Anything.
- Teddy: Stay away from my daughter.
- Charlie Harper: Seriously, ask something else.
- Evelyn: So I just naturally assumed that something had come up that was more important than your father's happiness.
- Courtney: Well, Evelyn, you know what they say about assuming: when you assume, you're just a bitch.
- Evelyn: Pardon, there are children present.
- Jake Harper: She means me, but I'm fine with it.
- Alan Harper: Why would you need a Bentley?
- Charlie Harper: Nobody needs a Bentley, just as nobody needs to date a girl half his age. But if you're going to have one, it doesn't hurt to have the other.
- Alan Harper: I'm not taking the fall for you.
- Charlie Harper: When have you ever taken the fall for me?
- Alan Harper: I don't know. But somehow it always works out that whenever you get laid, I get screwed!
- Charlie Harper: So where do they put the engine in these things?
- Courtney: They put it where it belongs: in the rear.