Zombieland (2009)
Jesse Eisenberg: Columbus
Photos
Quotes
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Bill Murray : [dying] Is that how you say hello where you come from?
Columbus : Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.
Tallahassee : Mr. Murray?
Bill Murray : I'm just Bill, I think, now.
Tallahassee : Bill?
Bill Murray : Yeah?
Tallahassee : [pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.
Bill Murray : Ah. That's still tender.
Tallahassee : You think you might pull through?
Bill Murray : No.
Columbus : If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.
Bill Murray : It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.
Little Rock : So do you have any regrets?
Bill Murray : "Garfield," maybe.
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Tallahassee : I'm not great at farewells, so, uh, that'll do, pig.
Columbus : That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard, and you stole it from a movie.
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Tallahassee : [discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno Balls? Where's the fucking Twinkies?
Columbus : I love Sno-Balls.
Tallahassee : I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency.
Columbus : [eats a Sno Ball] Fresh.
Tallahassee : Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet.
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[last lines]
Columbus : So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.
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Tallahassee : [referring to Wichita and Little Rock, who previously hijacked them] They're in the back, aren't they?
Little Rock : [pops up holding shotgun] Just me.
Columbus : I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger...
Tallahassee : You got taken hostage by a 12 year old?
Columbus : Well, girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age.
Little Rock : Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please.
Tallahassee : Like you would ever use that thing
[Little Rock shoots in the air]
Tallahassee : Don't kill me with my own gun.
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Columbus : [Columbus and Wichita are drinking wine] 1997. Was that a good year?
Wichita : Yeah! 1997 was a great year! I saw my first R-rated movie... Anaconda. Got my first tattoo, a porpoise. Fake. Had my first kiss... Scotty Lynch.
Columbus : Did you guys...
[gestures with fingers]
Columbus : ...use tongue?
Wichita : [laughs] Maybe. Why, are you jealous of Scotty Lynch?
Columbus : Yes. Actually, I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997. Let me see... I think... 1997 I had my first orthodontist appointment... bastard gave me headgear... I got my first B...
[Wichita laughs]
Columbus : ...almost as scary as Anaconda... went to my first dance. Sadie Hawkins, so it was ladies' choice...
[pauses]
Wichita : And nobody picked you?
Columbus : Well, it was ladies' choice.
Wichita : [pauses in disbelief] ... No! Those bitches! No, I will not stand for this.
[stands, offers Columbus her hand]
Wichita : On behalf of all the eighth grade girls, I would like to dance with you.
[Columbus looks at her, takes another swig of wine]
Wichita : Don't worry. Scotty's old news.
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Columbus : The first rule of Zombieland: Cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons... were the fatties.
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Tallahassee : Are you fucking with me?
Columbus : Uh, no. You should actually limber up as well. Especially if we're going down that hill. It is very important.
Tallahassee : I don't believe in it. You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?
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Columbus : Take away a man's son, you've truly given him nothing left to lose.
Tallahassee : I haven't cried like that since "Titanic."
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Columbus : [after his neighbor changes into a zombie] You see? You just can't trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.
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Columbus : When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for "not to be fucked with".
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[first lines]
Columbus : Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland.
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Columbus : [to Tallahassee] You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab.
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Little Rock : Have you heard about Pacific Playland? There are no zombies there.
Columbus : The amusement park?
Little Rock : Yep!
Tallahassee : That place totally blows!
[Little Rock and Wichita shoot Tallahassee angry looks]
Tallahassee : ... my mind. Just fun for the whole family.
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Columbus : You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?
Tallahassee : Back east, yeah?
Columbus : Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?
Tallahassee : Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.
Columbus : There are no penguins on the North Pole.
Tallahassee : You wanna feel how hard I can punch?
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Columbus : [Columbus sprays Tallahassee with perfume, Tallahassee turns around and glares at Columbus] Okay. Let me begin my three-part apology by saying that I think you're a wonderful human, with great potential.
Tallahassee : It's okay... But FYI, I have beat wholesale ass for a whole lot less than that.
Columbus : I'm sure.
Tallahassee : You get, uh...
[cocks his head]
Tallahassee : 45% power.
Columbus : Thank you.
Tallahassee : [Tallahassee punches Columbus in the arm, and Columbus knocks over a lamp] There you go.
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Columbus : It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm.
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Columbus : [to an exasperated Little Rock] Oh, this is so exciting, you're about to learn who you're gonna call... it's Ghostbusters.
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Columbus : That guy down there... is me. I'm in Garland, Texas. And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland.
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Columbus : Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?
Tallahassee : No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.
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Columbus : [in voice-over] You see, He was in the ass-kicking business and...
Tallahassee : [Tallahassee, in flashback, rounds corner holding two chainsaws and wearing a welding mask, flips mask up] ... business is *good*!
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Columbus : [a zombie is crushed by a falling piano] Poor flat bastard.
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Columbus : Hey, for fuck's sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. Oh, they stole my hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well get over it! We can't just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.
Tallahassee : Whoa.
Columbus : I know.
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Tallahassee : My mama always told me someday I'd be good at something. Who'd a guessed that something'd be zombie-killing?
Columbus : Probably nobody.
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Columbus : You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife.
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Columbus : [in voice-over] Tallahassee firmly believes that you have to blow off steam in Zombieland... or else you'll lose what's left of your mind. Well, if it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me, then I say "Hey, go ape shit".
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Wichita : [playing Monopoly] Ooh! Free parking...
Little Rock : Yeah.
Wichita : -which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland.
Columbus : You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No- no Facebook status updates. You know, Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday. Who cares?
Tallahassee : The best thing is no more flushing. Epic.
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Columbus : [a zombie kills an obese man] Poor fat bastard.
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Columbus : Hey, this may be a bad time, but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl.
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Columbus : Yeah, I shave every morning but sometimes by like 4:30 I'll have a thing. I mean, I know it's called a five o'clock shadow but sometimes I'll get it prematurely.
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Columbus : I could tell she knew what I was feeling, we all are orphans in Zombieland.
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Columbus : Fuck this clown.
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Columbus : Fasten your seat belts. This is going to be a bumpy ride.
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Columbus : Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it...
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Tallahassee : Wow, these fellas really let themselves go.
Columbus : And they're so fat.
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Columbus : The plague of the 21st Century, remember mad cow disease? Well mad cow became mad person became mad zombie. It's a fast acting virus that leaves you with a swollen brain, a raging fever, makes you hateful and violent and leaves you with a really bad case of the munchies.
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Columbus : I'm living the dream.I had always, my whole life wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear.
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Columbus : In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really dead, dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda... coulda... shoulda.
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Columbus : [In a deleted scene, right after Columbus kills 406. He wraps her corpse in a shower curtain] A zombie isn't a dead person who's just come back to life. It's someone who's been infected with the plague of the 21st century... Zombiism's carried in bodily fluids, and these fluids are highly contagious and fast acting when they mix with your fluids. So, if you're thinking of going tongue-to-tonsil with your suddenly less cute neighbor...
[Columbus brushes 406's hair over her ear]
Columbus : try something a little more innocent... Mom and Dad would have to wait...
[Columbus then covers her face in the curtain]
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Columbus : I hear when taking revenge, you're supposed to dig two graves.
Tallahassee : Well I will dig two graves: one for the big one and one for the little one.
Columbus : [beat] You are scary happy.
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Columbus : [In a deleted scene] Rule Number 2: Ziploc Bags... You have enough problems. Moisture shouldn't be one of them...
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Columbus : [In a deleted scene, right after Columbus kills 406] You tell yourself over and over, this did not just happen... It did not... It did not... it did not... It couldn't have... it... it couldn't have... But it did... In the name of every sane thing that came before it... and all that I have come to know, and expect about the world... it did...
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Tallahassee : [after taking out store zombie] What do you think? Zombie Kill of the Week?
[Zombie Kill of the Week graphic appears]
Columbus : [voiceover] Close, but no cigar. Zombie Kill of the Week goes to Sister Cynthia Kickerbocker.
[Zombie shown running forward Sister Cynthia outside a church as she rings a bell and enters, zombie is then crushed by falling piano]
Columbus : [voiceover] Poor flat bastard.
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Wichita : [In a deleted scene, right after the girls steal the hummer, they are riding, talking about Tallahassee] The muscles, and the way he sucked in his stomach, I'm guessing 8th grade PE teacher. I could see him in power-blue dolphin shorts.
Little Rock : Or pool guy. Or concert security!
Wichita : Maybe we're underestimating him...
[Tallahassee is shown spinning a sign on the street, and then he accidentally throws it at someone's car]
Little Rock : Nah...
Wichita : And the skinny one?
[Referring to Columbus]
Little Rock : Get some sun!
Wichita : I know... He kinda screamed 'Kinko's'...
Little Rock : Or... Lady Foot Locker!
Columbus : [Columbus is then seen inside of a Tech Town playing Guitar Hero. He then accidentally hits a kid with the guitar] Whoa whoa whoa... Get him...
Little Rock : You know what's amazing?
Wichita : What?
Little Rock : That they got this far. I mean, they should be so proud...
Wichita : I know! They can die happy.
Wichita : [Little Rock then looks out the window and sees two dead zombies, and stares at Wichita, implying that they should go back] No.
Little Rock : Okay...
Wichita : NO!
Little Rock : OKAY!
Wichita : We are not going back! What did we say?
Little Rock : Trust no one. Just you and me.
Wichita : Yeah. You and me... Even if it means leaving behind the slow and the weak...
Little Rock : Or... One slow and one weak.
Wichita : Right...
Little Rock : Y'know... I saw this Discovery Channel show... On like wildebeest herds or something... They always wait for the slow and the weak... Y'know... That way, when the lions show up, they only eat the slow and the weak...
[Wichita then stops the car, preparing to turn around and go back for them]
