The Banshees of Inisherin (2022)

Brendan Gleeson: Colm Doherty

Photos 

Quotes 

• Priest : Do you think God gives a damn about miniature donkeys, Colm?

  Colm Doherty : I fear he doesn't. And I fear that's where it's all gone wrong.

• Colm Doherty : If punching a policeman is a sin, we may as well just pack up and go home.

• Colm Doherty : I do worry sometimes I might just be entertaining myself while staving off the inevitable.

• [last lines] 

  Colm Doherty : Pádraic. Thanks for lookin' after me dog for me, anyways.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Anytime.

• Siobhan Súilleabháin : He won't be bothering you no more.

  Colm Doherty : That's a shame. That's the most interesting he's ever been. I think I like him again now.

• Pádraic Súilleabháin : There's two of us in this!

  Colm Doherty : No, there isn't!

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : It takes two to tango.

  Colm Doherty : I don't want to tango.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : You were dancing with your dog...

• Colm Doherty : Ah, well, I suppose niceness doesn't last then, does it, Padraic? But will I tell ya something that does last?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : What? And don't say somethin' stupid like music.

  Colm Doherty : Music lasts.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Knew it!

  Colm Doherty : And paintings last. And poetry lasts.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : So does niceness.

  Colm Doherty : Do you know who we remember for how nice they was in the 17th century?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Who?

  Colm Doherty : Absolutely no one. Yet we all remember the music of the time. Everyone, to a man, knows Mozart's name.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Well, I don't, so there goes that theory. And anyway, we're talkin' about niceness. Not what's his name. My mammy, she was nice. I remember her. And my daddy, he was nice. I remember him. And my sister, she's nice. I'll remember her. Forever I'll remember her.

  Colm Doherty : And who else will?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Who else will what?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Remember Siobhan and your niceness? No one will. In 50 years' time, no one will remember any of us. Yet the music of a man who lived two centuries ago...

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : "Yet" he says, like he's English.

  Siobhan Súilleabháin : Come home, Padraic.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : I don't give a feck about Mozart. Or Borvoven. Or any of them funny name feckers. I'm Pádraic Súilleabháin. And I'm nice.

• Colm Doherty : Niceness doesn't last.

• Pádraic Súilleabháin : What's your tune called?

  Colm Doherty : The Banshees of Inisherin, I think.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : But, there are no banshees on Inisherin.

  Colm Doherty : I know, I just like the double S-H sounds.

• Pádraic Súilleabháin : [bursting into Colm's house]  How are ya, fatty? Dancing with your dog, is it? Well who else is gonna dance with ya? Your poor dog has no say in the matter. And if you're too rude to be offering me a seat, I'll be taking one of me own accord!

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : [sits]  How's that for an old hello?

  Colm Doherty : Have you gone fecking mental?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Have I gone fecking mental? No I haven't gone fecking mental. Not only have I not gone fecking mental, but I have got ten fingers to prove I'm not fecking mental. How many fingers have you got to prove you're not fecking mental?

  Colm Doherty : Nine fingers.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Nine fingers is the epitome of mental.

• Colm Doherty : So, let's just call it quits and agree to go our separate ways, for good this time.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Your fat fingers killed me little donkey today. So, no, we won't call it quits. We'll call it the start.

  Colm Doherty : You're jokin' me.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Yeah, no. I'm not jokin' ya. So tomorrow, Sunday, God's day, around 2:00, I'm going to call up to your house and I'm gonna set fire to it, and hopefully you'll still be inside it. But I won't be checkin' either way. Just be sure and leave your dog outside. I've nothing against that gom. Or you can do whatever's in your power to stop me. To our graves we're taking this. To one of our graves, anyways.

• Pádraic Súilleabháin : Do you know what you used to be?

  Colm Doherty : No, what did I used to be?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Nice! You used to be nice! And now, do you know what you are? Not nice.

  Colm Doherty : Ah, well, I suppose niceness doesn't last then, does it?

• Pádraic Súilleabháin : Now... if I've done somethin' to ya, just tell me what I've done to ya. And if I've said somethin' to ya or maybe if I've said somethin' when I was drunk and forgotten it. But I don't think I've said somethin' when I was drunk and I've forgotten it. But if I did, then tell me what it was. And I'll say sorry for that too Colm. With all me heart, I'll say sorry. Just stop running away from me like some fool of a moody school child.

  Colm Doherty : But you didn't say anything to me. And you didn't do anything to me.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Well that's what I was thinking, like.

  Colm Doherty : I just don't like ya no more.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : [hurt and disbelieving]  You do like me.

  Colm Doherty : I don't.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : But you liked me yesterday.

  Colm Doherty : Oh, did I, yeah?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : I thought you did...

• Colm Doherty : I was too harsh yesterday.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Yesterday, he says! I know well you was too harsh yesterday.

  Colm Doherty : I just... I just have this tremendous sense of time slipping away on me, Padraic. And I think I need to spend the time I have left thinking and composing. Just trying not to listen to any more of the dull things you have to say for yourself. But I am sorry about it. I am, like.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Are you dying?

  Colm Doherty : No, I'm not dying.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : But then you have loads of time.

  Colm Doherty : For chatting?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Aye.

  Colm Doherty : For aimless chatting?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Not for aimless chatting. For good, normal chatting.

  Colm Doherty : So we'll keep aimlessly chatting and my life will keep on dwindling. And in 12 years, I'll die with nothin' to show for it, bar the chats I've had with a limited man, is that it?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : I said, "not aimless chatting" I said "Good, normal chatting."

  Colm Doherty : The other night, two hours, you spent talking to me about the things you found in your little donkey's shite that day. Two hours, Padraic. I timed it.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Well it wasn't me little donkey's shite, was it? It was me pony's shite. Which shows how much you were listenin'.

  Colm Doherty : None of it helps me. Do you understand? None of it helps me.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : [after Colm leaves]  We'll just talk about something else, then!

• Priest : It isn't him you have the impure thoughts about, is it?

  Colm Doherty : Are you joking me? I mean, are you fecking joking me?

  Priest : People do have impure thoughts about men, too.

  Colm Doherty : Do you have impure thoughts about men, Father?

  Priest : I do not have impure thoughts about men. And how dare you say that about a man of the cloth?

  Colm Doherty : Well, you started it.

  Priest : Well, you can get out of my confessional right now, so you can. And I'm not forgiving you any of these things until the next time, so I'm not!

  Colm Doherty : Well, I better not be dying in the meantime then, eh, Father? I'll be pure fecked!

  Priest : You will be pure fecked! Yes, you will be pure fecked!

• Siobhan Súilleabháin : You can't just all of a sudden stop being friends with a fella!

  Colm Doherty : Why can't I?

  Siobhan Súilleabháin : Why can't ya? Because it isn't nice.

• Siobhan Súilleabháin : Has he said somethin' to ya when he was drunk?

  Colm Doherty : No, I prefer him when he's drunk. It's all the rest of the time I have the problem with.

  Siobhan Súilleabháin : What's the fecking matter, then?

  Colm Doherty : He's dull, Siobhan.

  Siobhan Súilleabháin : He's what?

  Colm Doherty : He's dull.

  Siobhan Súilleabháin : But he's always been dull. What's changed?

  Colm Doherty : I've changed. I just don't have a place for dullness in me life anymore.

  Siobhan Súilleabháin : But you live on an island off the coast of Ireland, Colm. What the hell are you hoping for, like?

  Colm Doherty : For a bit of peace, Siobhan. That's all. For a bit of peace in me heart, like. You can understand that. Can't ya? Can't ya?

• Pádraic Súilleabháin : Well, don't ask a man to call up to ya at your fecking house, so, like he has nothing better to do with his fecking time.

  Colm Doherty : I didn't ask you to call up to me at me house. And you do have nothing better to do with your fecking time.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Huh?

  Colm Doherty : You do have nothing better to do with your fecking time.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : I know I've nothing better to do with me fecking time, but there's better things I could be doing with me fecking time than to be calling up to ya at your house, Colm Doherty!

  Colm Doherty : Like what?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Huh?

  Colm Doherty : Like what else could you be doin'?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Reading.

  Colm Doherty : Reading, yeah? Me, this morning... this I wrote. Tomorrow, I'll write the second part of it. And the day after, I'll write the third part of it. And by Wednesday, there'll be a new tune in the world, which wouldn't have been there if I'd spent the week listening to your bollocks, Padraic Suilleabhain. So, do you want to take your pint outside, or do you want me to take my pint outside?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : I'll take my pint outside, 'cause it's a shite tune anyways, I wouldn't bother with it.

• Siobhan Súilleabháin : What do you need from him, Colm? To end all this?

  Colm Doherty : Silence, Siobhan. Just silence.

  Siobhan Súilleabháin : One more silent man on Inisherin, good-oh! Silence it is, so.

  Colm Doherty : This isn't about Inisherin. It's about one boring man leaving another man alone, that's all.

  Siobhan Súilleabháin : One boring man! You're all fucking boring! With your piddling grievances over nothin'! You're all fucking boring! I'll see he doesn't talk to you no more.

  Colm Doherty : Do. Else it'll be all four of them the next time, not just the one.

  Siobhan Súilleabháin : You're not serious. Well, that won't help your fecking music.

  Colm Doherty : Aye. We're gettin' somewhere now.

  Siobhan Súilleabháin : I think you might be ill, Colm.

• Priest : Wouldn't you say punching a policeman is a sin?

  Colm Doherty : Ah here. If punching a policeman is a sin, we may as well just pack up and go home.

• Peadar Kearney : Aye. Off to the mainland in the morning I'm headin'. That's why I need the clean shirt, like. 'And why are you off to the mainland in the mornin', Peadar?' Oh, thanks for asking, Colm. I'll tell ya why. They've asked for extra manpower for a couple of the executions in case there's any kind of a to-do, like. Six bob and a free lunch they're payin' me. And sure I'd have gone for nothin'. I've always wanted to see an execution, haven't you? Although, I'd have preferred a hanging.

  Colm Doherty : Who are they executin'?

  Peadar Kearney : The Free State lads are executin' a couple of the IRA lads. Or is it the other way around? I find it hard to follow these days. Wasn't it so much easier when we was all on the same side, and it was just the English we was killin'? I think it was. I preferred it.

  Colm Doherty : But you don't care who's executin' who?

  Peadar Kearney : For six bob and a free lunch, I don't care! They could be executin' you. Why don't you come with me? You could write a miserable feckin' song about it. Nah, I'm only messin'.

• Colm Doherty : If you don't stop talkin' to me, and if you don't stop botherin' me, or sendin' your sister or your priest to bother me...

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : I didn't send me sister to bother you, did I? She has her own mind. Although, I did send the priest though, you have me there.

  Colm Doherty : What I've decided to do is this. I have a set of shears at home. And each time you bother me from this day on, I'll take those shears and I'll take one of me fingers off with them. And I'll give that finger to ya. A finger from me left hand. Me fiddle hand. And each day you bother me more, another I'll take off and I'll give ya until you see sense enough to stop. Or until I have no fingers left. Does this make things clearer to ya?

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : Not really, no.

  Colm Doherty : Because I don't want to hurt your feelings, Padraic. I don't, like. But it feels like the drastic is the only option left open to me.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : You've loads of options left open to ya. How's fingers the first port of call?

  Colm Doherty : Please, don't talk to me no more, Padraic. Please. I'm begging you.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : But...

  Jonjo Devine : Shush, like, Padraic. Just, you know, shush, like.

  Gerry : Yeah, I'd shush, like.

  Pádraic Súilleabháin : I will shush. Except me and me sister were thinking, you might just be a bit depressed, Colm. And I tell you this much, fingers just confirms it. Don't you think, Colm?

  Colm Doherty : Starting from now.

• Colm Doherty : I killed a miniature donkey.