Quotes

Get the F Off My Lawn

[Lacey notices that a windstorm has blown two letters off of her "CAFE" sign]
Lacey Burrows: Where's my F 'n' E?
Lady: [with her daughter] I think we'll eat somewhere else.
Lacey Burrows: Oh, no. No, no, don't leave. I wasn't cursing. I was just talking about the...
Lady: [leading daughter back to car] No.
Lacey Burrows: Aw, sh -
[cut to opening credits]

Lacey Burrows: That was a strong windstorm last night, huh?
Oscar Leroy: I've seen worse. Wind storm of '85, remember that? Moved the whole town five feet to the left.
Emma Leroy: Every day a little bit crazier.

Brent Leroy: [at Corner Gas] What's this?
Wanda Dollard: A list of demands for better working conditions.
Brent Leroy: Extended vacation time? Permanent parking spot? A sturdier stool? You make this sound like a sweatshop.
Wanda Dollard: Oh, that reminds me.
[she adds another item to the list]
Brent Leroy: I do wear deodorant!

Brent Leroy: [reading Wanda's list of strike resolution demands] "Item #2: Wanda Dollard will no longer be required to stock shelves or ring in customers." You see, that could be problematic, what with that being the whole job.

Davis Quinton: You sure you want those letters back? You see, now would be a good opportunity to for you to spell something different. Like... Cake? Cash? Carrots?
Lacey Burrows: Can't.

Wanda Dollard: I'm sick of being taken for granted. And I'm sick of my wobbly stool.
Hank Yarbo: You should see Doc Russell about that.
Wanda Dollard: Hilarious.
Hank Yarbo: No, I'm serious! He's also a carpenter, he makes stools!

[after Karen gives first prize in the jam contest to someone other than Emma; Karen, Emma and Oscar sit at the counter in the Ruby]
Oscar Leroy: I'm sorry Karen. I looked all over for it but I just can't find it.
Karen Pelly: Find what?
Oscar Leroy: Your sense of taste. Take that sandwich in front of you for example. Well, it might as well just be an old sock! Filled with raccoon poop! Then you could give it first prize in a poop tasting contest!

Hank Yarbo: So, how many hours do you think I'll have to work before I can buy an iPod?
Brent Leroy: Two thousand and fifty.
Hank Yarbo: How many days is that?
Brent Leroy: Hmm, not sure... Why don't you figure it out while you're cleaning the cooler?
Hank Yarbo: Sure, where's the cleaning stuff?
Brent Leroy: Hmm, not sure...
Brent Leroy: [to Wanda, who is outside on strike] Hey, where's the cleaning stuff?
Wanda Dollard: [from outside] Suck an egg, Baldy!
Brent Leroy: She says she doesn't know. Uh, maybe you should just start with the inventory.
Hank Yarbo: Yeah, okay. Um, where do you keep the sheet with the list of supplies?
Brent Leroy: Good question.
Brent Leroy: [to Wanda] Yo, inventory sheets?
Wanda Dollard: [from outside] Pfffft.
[she gives a thumbs down]
Brent Leroy: Maybe just do the windows.
Hank Yarbo: Cleaning stuff?
Brent Leroy: Right...
[looks at Wanda]
Brent Leroy: Maybe just take a break.

[Davis is on top of the Ruby, replacing the E in "cafe" with a sideways letter M; Lacey, as well as two random men by a car watch Davis work from the parking lot]
Wanda Dollard: [entering] Hey Zorba, when did the Ruby turn into a Greek restaurant?
Lacey Burrows: Ah, right after Hank took your job.
Wanda Dollard: ...You corporate fat cats are all the same.
[she leaves]
Dude: Hey, check it out! It's Caf Sigma sorority house!
Dude 2: Panty raid!
[the two men run inside]
Lacey Burrows: [to Davis] Okay, take it down.
Davis Quinton: But I just moved it!
Lacey Burrows: Take it down before my customers' panties get raided!

[after Emma loses the jam contest, she claims to be fine but mindlessly smashes her dishes on the ground while washing them. Later, Oscar is setting the table as she comes in with gardening gloves on]
Oscar Leroy: Hey, Emma! I thought we'd use paper plates from now on. I thought it'd be fun, like camping!
Emma Leroy: That's not necessary. Sorry about the dishes. I guess the jam contest did kind of get to me a bit. I'm fine now. Perfectly fine.
[she walks away]
Oscar Leroy: Totally understandable my dear. After all, it's jam.
[he hears a noise and goes to the window to see Emma has destroyed her garden, the sprinkler is spraying against the window, "bad jam" has been spray-painted on the fence]
Oscar Leroy: Oh my God, I've married Cujo...

Lacey Burrows: Hey guys, guess what? I found my "E." It got me out of a real...
Oscar Leroy: [interrupting her, stammering] Pickle!... Bind!... Conundrum!
Lacey Burrows: Not what I was gonna say.
Karen Pelly: [entering] Hey guys, don't take Worts Road. They're paving so there's a traffic...
Oscar Leroy: Block-up!... Clog!... Congestion!
Emma Leroy: Excuse me, I have to wash my hands.
[she gets up and exits]
Oscar Leroy: Okay, my sweet!
Lacey Burrows: Oscar, what's with the word blurts?
Oscar Leroy: I don't want anyone saying "jam" around Emma since Karen turned her into a psycho.
Karen Pelly: Yeah, I turned her into the psycho... She went ga-ga the day she said "I do"!
Oscar Leroy: Please, change your mind. Say you picked the wrong jam, declare a mis-taste! My life is in danger.
Lacey Burrows: She seems fine to me.
Emma Leroy: [off-screen] Oscar!
Oscar Leroy: [quietly] Please help me. I'm afraid to go asleep at night.
Karen Pelly: [loudly] Okay then, you take care! Remember not to say "jam"!
Lacey Burrows: Yeah... Jam-a! Jammy! Jam-jam!
[Karen and Lacey walk into the bathroom to see that Emma has trashed it, there are paper towels all over the floor and "jam sucks" has been written on the mirror]
Karen Pelly: Emma did this?

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