Paul Kaye: Dennis Pennis, Scottish BBC Boss

Quotes 

• Dennis Pennis : I look at your suit and I think... maybe a defective aeroplane. Should never have left the hanger.

  [Armani's assistant translates this to him] 

  Giorgio Armani : Oh, that's fantastic. Thank you very much.

  [he shakes Dennis' hand] 

• Dennis Pennis : [holding a book]  Could you just write a few words for me, please? Just write a few words for me, please?

  Kevin Costner : [walking on]  No. You were a dick. You were a dick to me.

  Dennis Pennis : I love you! You've invented a new genre, you know, I've seen a lot of B-movies, but you've made a C-movie, in both senses of the word!

  Kevin Costner : That's why you're a low budget guy - your hair, your attitude and your intelligence.

  Dennis Pennis : I'm proud of it, you know!

  [cuts to Dennis presenting a transitional clip] 

  Dennis Pennis : Being called a low budget guy by Kevin Costner is actually quite a compliment. In his world that's about 150 billion dollars.

• Dennis Pennis : Any plans to make any tampon commercials? Because you love doing all this period stuff. And you're very good at it.

  Emma Thompson : I know, but you know, to make a tampon commercial you have to know how to, like, windsurf, don't you? You have to know how to windsurf and you have to know how to rollerskate. I don't know how to do either of those things, so I don't think I'm suitable.

  Dennis Pennis : OK, fair enough. Now, I don't want to talk about you and Ken...

  Emma Thompson : Nor do I.

  Dennis Pennis : But I'm going to.

  Emma Thompson : OK, bye!

  [she walks away from him] 

  Dennis Pennis : Did you guys just fall out of luvvie?

• [at a press conference for 'Braveheart'] 

  Dennis Pennis : In the movie you play a guy with long hair, a sort of neanderthal barbarian.

  Mel Gibson : Yeah.

  Dennis Pennis : Being an Australian, you worry that might get you typecast?

  [some people laugh] 

  Dennis Pennis : I gotta thank you though, because I haven't had sex in a long time, I went to see the movie and slept with the entire audience! So, thanks for everything, man!

  Mel Gibson : Great. Thank you.

  [in a Groucho Marx voice] 

  Mel Gibson : That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

• Dennis Pennis : [to Joan Collins]  You look like a million lire!

  [cut to him presenting a transitional clip in St. Mark's Square, Venice] 

  Dennis Pennis : Which is about 25 quid. About the price of a cup of coffee around this part of the world.

• Dennis Pennis : [to Tom Hanks]  I love Philadelphia. Changed my life, man. Smooth, creamy... spreads on your crackers like nobody's business.

• Dennis Pennis : [pointing a Magnum ice cream at Clint Eastwood]  I got a 65p Magnum here, man, it's the most powerful ice cream in the world. Clean a man's head blown off. You feel licky, punk? Come on, make my dairy!

• Dennis Pennis : How come you've persevered for so many years with that moustache?

  Tom Selleck : Without?

  Dennis Pennis : With.

  Tom Selleck : I don't persevere one way or the other, I'm up for hire, if you want to put me in a movie tomorrow, I'll shave it off for you.

  Dennis Pennis : I might well do that. I was gonna say, when you're kissing somebody, not only do you kiss them but you brush their teeth at the same time.

  Tom Selleck : Oh my God. I don't know, I've ever tried.

  Dennis Pennis : And also in the advent of having oral sex, do you sort of...

  Tom Selleck : In the...?

  Dennis Pennis : Well, when you're participating in oral sex, do you suffer from the velcro effect?

  Tom Selleck : I don't know, that's private.

  Dennis Pennis : Yeah, that's a good answer.

• Dennis Pennis : [to Steve Martin]  How come you're not funny anymore?

• [At the premiere of the James Bond film 'Goldeneye'] 

  Dennis Pennis : I understand you got mugged earlier.

  Desmond Llewelyn : Oh, yes.

  Dennis Pennis : I heard somebody got arrested for jumping the Q!

• Dennis Pennis : [to Pierce Brosnan]  I gotta tell ya, I saw Goldeneye, I was glued to my seat. Otherwise I would have left!

  [Brosnan and his girlfriend Keely Shaye Smith laugh] 

• Dennis Pennis : You've always carried yourself like a businessman. I just wondered if, your last fight, you took the position of official receiver?

  Chris Eubank : I suppose that's fair to say, yes.

• Dennis Pennis : Sir Andrew, quick question from the BBC. Is it correct that recently you've been writing sheets and sheets of music and then erasing them and rubbing them out?

  Andrew Lloyd Webber : [bemused]  No.

  Dennis Pennis : Oh, because, if you don't mind me saying, I heard you were decomposing these days.

  [Lloyd Webber just stares blankly] 

• Dennis Pennis : [to Mr. Blobby]  You look very depressed, you know. You look very depressed. I got a feeling that deep inside there's a very sad man trying to get out.

• Dennis Pennis : Are you ever going to release an autobiography?

  Chris Eubank : Um, on what?