Arthur Christmas (2011)

Bill Nighy: Grandsanta

Photos 

Quotes 

• Grandsanta : You were right, Arthur. It doesn't matter how Santa's gift gets there. Doesn't even matter if it's Mr. Postman in his spaceship.

  Arthur : As long as it gets there.

  Grandsanta : You made it happen, lad! No one got left out.

• Grandsanta : At least have the decency to finish us off with a rock!

• Arthur : It's impossible!

  Grandsanta : They used to say it was impossible to teach women to read.

• Arthur : [Using the flashlights on his Christmas slippers to read the letter from Gwen Hines after discovering that the missed present was the bike for her]  It just can't be. It can't. It just can't be. It can't. It j-j-j-just CAN'T BE!

  Grandsanta : [Overhearing the commotion]  What's all this kadoodle, young man?

  Arthur : Grandsanta. It-It's this little girl. She's been missed!

  Grandsanta : Ha! So much for your brother's fancy-pants technology!

  Arthur : And Steve and Dad racked their brains but they said it's impossible!

  Grandsanta : Is it now? Missed a child. Dear, oh dear, sends shivers down me shins.

  Arthur : In two hours, she is gonna wake up, tear downstairs, search under the tree, and... the look on her face... .But there's nothing there. She won't understand. She'll think she's the one kid in the whole world that Santa doesn't care about. She'll feel... so left out.

  [He straightens the picture on the wall and switches on the fairy lights] 

  Arthur : On Christmas night, he comes! Gwen can't not have a present from Santa!

  Grandsanta : Do you know, Arthur, there is a way.

  Arthur : It's impossible.

  Grandsanta : They used to say it was impossible to teach women to read. Follow me.

• Arthur : [In Cayo Confites, Cuba, Arthur picks up Gwen's letter that almost got burnt because Bryony accidentally put it in a fire at the beach and realizes the picture is of Santa]  This Picture, This Drawing! It isn't of Dad, or You, or Steve! This is Santa! Ha-Ha! And as long as we can get the bike to Gwen before dawn, then Santa CAME! AND HE CARES! Ha-Ha!

  Arthur : [the Reindeer picks up the Slipper, Arthur picks up the bike and starts singing and dancing]  Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to reach Gwen Hines on Christmas Day, Wha-Hey!

  [the Boat on the island has been taken away by Arthur and he has written a message in the sand where it used to sit saying "SORRY I BORROWED THIS] 

  Arthur : [the next scene where Arthur is rowing Grandsanta & Bryony across the Atlantic Ocean, 3000 miles to Trelew, England]  Jingle Bells! This Boat Smells! Three Thousand miles to go!

  Grandsanta : [Arthur, Grandsanta & Bryony are in the middle of the Atlantic]  I've seen this before! Sleigh fever they call it! The Pressure of Christmas sends a man doo-lellied-tap! Santa Claus XVI of 1802! Every child that year got a sausage nailed to a piece of bark!

  Bryony : [Arthur labours to row the boat across the ocean, he makes the boat jerk and soaks Bryony & Grandsanta with the oars]  Arthur! Do you really think you can row the Atlantic Ocean in the next

  Bryony : [Calculates the time on her HO-HO]  Thirty-seven minutes?

  Arthur : [Continues labouring to row across the Atlantic Ocean]  It's not too late yet! We just have to keep going!

  Grandsanta : We need a blunt Instrument, knock him out and then regroup

  Bryony : [Bryony's HO-HO claims that they are going round in circles]  You do know that we are going round in circles?

  Grandsanta : Do you know? We are not the only ones! Maybe I will see Evie again!

  Arthur : What do you mean?

  Grandsanta : Reindeer are brave, powerful beasts, but they are also dappled creatures with twigs on their heads! They will just keep going in straight lines right around the world. They will be way up in the sky, flying at unimaginable speeds, but they'll pass right over our heads!

  Arthur : Great! We CAN get the sleigh back!

• Grandsanta : The Santas always come through Canada. Nobody lives here. It's nice and quiet.

• Elf : Then this is where they keep the lions!

  Grandsanta : They won't eat me. I'm Santa! Lie down!

• Grandsanta : [Cowering in the bottom of the sleigh]  Leave me alone. It's that terrible night all over again.

  Arthur : What night?

  Grandsanta : Last time I took Evie for a spin. I didn't know it was the Cuban Missile Crisis! I nearly started World War III.

• Grandsanta : It's Christmas!

  Arthur : Christmas is for kids. You grow out of it.

  Bryony : What, in the last six minutes?

• Arthur : [about the reindeer sign that they're taking]  So why are we taking it?

  Grandsanta : It's for Gwen. Eight beautiful reindeer. That's what she's dreaming of. The jingly bells, the sleigh on the roof. That's what the kids want, not some spaceship. We're giving her the star treatment.

  [to Bryony] 

  Grandsanta : What now?

  Bryony : [the owner of Leaping Dear Autos investigates what is going on]  We have a waker, sir!

• Grandsanta : [At the tractor dealership in Idaho, Arthur is trying to remove a golden reindeer from the "Leaping Deer Autos" sign]  Bash it with a brick, Arthur. Go on.

  Arthur : [Struggling to remove the reindeer on top of the roof]  It just won't...

  Bryony : I may just be a wrapping operative, sir, but this contravenes seventeen specific mission regulations.

  Grandsanta : I'm in charge here, not Billy the Bureaucrat.

  Arthur : [Almost removing the reindeer]  It's stuck.

  Grandsanta : [to Bryony]  Elf, wrap your head.

  Grandsanta : [to Arthur]  Come on, lad. You're as much use as a cheese chopstick.

  Arthur : Got it! Oh, no.

  [Gasps as he realises that the sign is only one side of a reindeer] 

  Grandsanta : Oh, my big Aunt Betty. It'll have to do. Pass it down.

  Bryony : [whimpering]  Permission to breathe, sir. I have about nine seconds left before I black out.

  Grandsanta : One breath.

  Bryony : [Seeing the lights in the tractor dealership owner's house switch on]  Sir?

  Grandsanta : [to Bryony]  I said one.

  [to Arthur] 

  Grandsanta : Hurry up, Arthur.

  Arthur : But don't we need a whole one? You know, to balance the sleigh?

  Grandsanta : Oh, it won't balance the sleigh. No, no. If anything, it'll slow us down.

  Arthur : So why are we taking it?

  Grandsanta : It's for Gwen. Eight beautiful reindeer. That's what she's dreaming of. The jingly bells, the sleigh on the roof. That's what the kids want, not some spaceship. We're giving her the star treatment.

  Grandsanta : [to Bryony]  What now?

  Bryony : [She whimpers through the wrapping and opens it]  We have a waker, sir.

• Arthur : [the sleigh is flying across Toronto and traverses a curved building; people inside see it]  They can see us.

  Grandsanta : Well, pull the camouflage lever. Now, then, we'd better draw in a few skyscratchers.

  Grandsanta : [Arthur fiddles with the controls and pulls the wrong lever and the sleigh transforms into something that looks like a steam locomotive]  That's a steam train, you ninny.

• Grandsanta : [Arthur, Grandsanta, and Bryony have just left Idaho with the fake reindeer attached to the sleigh and they are halfway across the Atlantic Ocean]  Christmas 1923, had a heart attack at the reigns. Left ventricle popped out me mouth. Pushed it back down and carried on!

  [Arthur and Grandsanta chuckle] 

  Arthur : [Looks over the ledge of the sleigh and sees nothing but water all around]  It's big, isn't it, the Atlantic? Think we should stop and ask someone?

  Grandsanta : Pishywibble, we're nearly there!

  [Grandsanta points to a slow moving streak of light in the sky] 

  Grandsanta : See, I take the North Star there as a fixed point. Then I plot my bearings from, um...

  Bryony : That's a plane, sir.

  Grandsanta : Insubordination. I'll have you harpooned, elf.

  Arthur : [Looking down and seeing something that looks like a tropical island]  I thought it would be chillier near England.

  Grandsanta : Globular warming.

  [Sees land ahead and starts heading for it] 

  Grandsanta : Ha! Land ahoy! There it is. Told you!

  Arthur : [They land in Tanzania, Africa]  Wow. England.

  [a huge beetle crawls over Arthur] 

  Arthur : Yyaaarrggh!

  Grandsanta : Maybe we pullled to the right a bit. We're a reindeer short. France. Bonjour! Ou est la Boulangerie?

  Arthur : [Hears an elephant]  They have elephants in France?

  Grandsanta : The odd stray. They breed in the drains. This way. Buenos dias! Hola!

  [They look around and realize they ended up in some animal sanctuary] 

  Grandsanta : Paris Zoo.

  Bryony : [Lions get agitated and start roaring]  Then this is where they keep the lions!

  [Lions and other animals start marching towards everyone] 

• Bryony : [Arthur, Grandsanta, and Bryony have come down from the atmosphere and are gliding towards England]  They'll be waiting for us, sir. We were on the news.

  Grandsanta : All their technology against my Evie.

  Arthur : Oh, come on. Let's do it with worry!

  Grandsanta : Santa mustn't be seen, eh, lad? Let's give them something to shoot at.

  [Grandsanta reaches out and presses a bright red button and the sleigh transforms into a flying saucer look-alike] 

  Grandsanta : [the people at the military base gasp in awe, the sleigh has transformed into a flying saucer and has an alien symbol on it]  Take us to your leader. Ha-ha-ha!

• Arthur : I've got a phobia of being beheaded - and heights, and speed, and reindeer, and buttons.

  Grandsanta : Buttons?

  Arthur : Yeah, I'm pretty much scared of everything.

• Grandsanta : [to Steve]  Christmas has gone right down the rodney hole. You're a postman with a spaceship.

  Steve : [to Grandsanta]  My S-1 festivized the world at 1,860 times the speed of sound.

  Grandsanta : Christmas 1941, World War II, I did the whole thing with six reindeer and a drunken elf!

  [Grandsanta turns to Arthur] 

  Grandsanta : I was shot at, Arthur. Took twelve direct hits. Lost three reindeer.

  Arthur : What happened to the elf?

  Grandsanta : Fell out of the sleigh over Lake Geneva. Never saw him again.

• Arthur : [Having Christmas dinner with the family around the dinner table at the North Pole's Residential Quarters]  What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?... Tinselitis!

  [laughs hysterically] 

  Arthur : Isn't this the best bit of Christmas?

  Mrs. Santa : It certainly is, Arthur. The whole family together.

  Mrs. Santa : [to Santa]  How about a toast, Malcolm?

  Santa : Oh! Um... . Well, uh, here's to me doing an even better job next year.

  [Everybody cheers] 

  Arthur : But you're already perfect, Dad.

  Grandsanta : Hah! That turkey did more than him.

  [Starts laughing and looses his false teeth, which land in the gravy bowl] 

  Santa : You wouldn't understand, Father. I've rather moved things on since your day. Eh, Steve?

  Grandsanta : [Gets his false teeth back and continues eating his meal]  Forget Techno Tommy. He's texting on his calculator after another job.

  [laughs] 

  Steve : [Clearing out his inbox on his HOHO]  It's a Handheld Operational and Homing Organizer. The HOHO 3000. I'm enacting mission closure.

  Grandsanta : Whooooh! Whoopee-doo. Aren't you the fancy nancy? Don't matter what you come up with, son. You maybe be the next in line, but you'll never get to be Santa unless you knock him off.

  [Referring to Santa] 

  Arthur : Um, I've got you all a present After all the hard work, I wanted everyone to have some Christmas fun.

  Arthur : [Shows everyone the game "Christmas The Board Game"]  Ta-da!