- Abed Nadir: [Got a basket of muffins] Another actress who wants to be in one of my movies.
- Annie Edison: Does that really work?
- Abed Nadir: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Oh, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect.
- [exaggerated inflection]
- Abed Nadir: This sounds *way* more like sarcasm. Inflection is *so* interesting.
- Jeff Winger: [struggling] Holy crap. Abed. Abed.
- [grunting]
- Jeff Winger: Ow. It's 3:00. What happened?
- Abed Nadir: The last thing I remember is... you were dancing like that girl In that movie... the kids in detention?
- Jeff Winger: Breakfast Club.
- Abed Nadir: Dear god. What have you done to me?
- Jeff Winger: Wait. Did I call Britta? Where's my phone?
- Abed Nadir: Got it. You made two outgoing calls. One to Britta, one to your girlfriend.
- Jeff Winger: I don't remember either of them.
- Abed Nadir: Neither do I. And I don't remember the name of the girl In the breakfast club. Mary. Margaret. Molly ringworm. You broke me.
- Señor Chang: You'll do it or you'll fail my class.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You can't do that.
- Señor Chang: Have you met me?
- Abed Nadir: What happened to Britta?
- Jeff Winger: Justice. Having spent the year denying her attraction to me just to be alternative, Britta called me at 3:00 a.m. just to ask,
- [imitates Britta]
- Jeff Winger: "What's up?"
- Abed Nadir: A drunk dial? Was there B.C.I.?
- Jeff Winger: Booty call with a capital "B."
- Abed Nadir: This can't be good.
- Jeff Winger: It's no biggie. We... we give each other crap all the time.
- Abed Nadir: Well, that's the point. What crap can she give you now that you hold all the cards? You've shifted the balance, like in a sitcom when one character sees another one naked.
- Jeff Winger: Is that really a sitcom staple?
- Abed Nadir: [exaggerated inflection] No, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm Abed, I never watch TV.
- Jeff Winger: Can I get you something? Water, smelling salts, an alibi for Cobain's suicide?
- Britta Perry: No, but you can help yourself to a shorter forehead, A non-keebler nose, and shutting up.
- Jeff Winger: Mm, that stings. I mean, not the words. The clouds of bourbon vapor forming them.
- Abed Nadir: Stop. That was terrible.
- Jeff Winger: What?
- Abed Nadir: Mm-hmm.
- Jeff Winger: You know, I can get drunk alone if that's what helps people act.
- Abed Nadir: Well, that's your problem, Jeff. You've been acting your whole life, okay? It's time to pass that act up and find the actor that's playing you.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, they're gonna love you in California.
- Abed Nadir: Do you like Britta?
- Jeff Winger: Sure. Who doesn't?
- Abed Nadir: Over half the people that meet her. They could be put off by her vacuous mannequin face. And her Jodie Foster severity. But you're different.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, you know, she's no barrel of monkeys. She... she wants everyone to be honest, but she lies to herself. She's seen the world, but doesn't get it. She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a youtube comment section. She's passionate, which I find stupid. But entertaining.
- Jeff Winger: You know...
- [sigh]
- Jeff Winger: I am sure you're a good director, but you're a horrible drinking buddy. I mean, I can't feel things with you studying me like a beige praying mantis.
- Abed Nadir: You're right.
- [Abed takes a pull from a bottle of vodka]
- Jeff Winger: I thought you never drank.
- Abed Nadir: Scorsese drank with De Niro.
- [Abed pours two shots of vodka]
- Abed Nadir: It's not for me, it's for the audience. Na Zdrowie.
- [clinks shot glasses with Jeff]
- Jeff Winger: Na Zdrowie.
- Britta Perry: [scoffs] Hmm. You look about ready to marry Courtney Love.
- Jeff Winger: [forced laughter] That's the reverse of my zinger from before.
- Shirley Bennett: We were mad at him for humiliating you.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Well, nice fix, Tweedle Dum and even Tweedler Dum.
- Annie Edison: Look, we're gonna tell Chang the truth. And we'll pay the price.
- Troy Barnes: Wait. We-- we can't make you do that.
- Pierce Hawthorne: No, he's right. We... first we gotta get out of these pantsuits and you can put them on.
- Troy Barnes: Look, Pierce, this whole thing started because you and I were ashamed that we didn't have ladies that cared about us. And the good news is, we obviously do. The bad news is... that it makes it our manly duty to protect them tonight.
- Annie Edison: Oh!
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, that's nice, but we really can't let you do that. It's...
- Pierce Hawthorne: No, he's right. He's right. Step aside.
- Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison: Oh!
- Shirley Bennett: Ooh.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Let's handle this like men.
- Troy Barnes: Yes.
- Señor Chang: [wolf whistle] Oh, ladies...
- Annie Edison: They're gonna be okay, right?
- Señor Chang: Get in my mercedes.
- Shirley Bennett: Just look away, baby. Just look away.
- Jeff Winger: [speaking to Michelle] I'm gonna join you at that dance, but as a novice boyfriend, could I get a map of the minefield known as Women's Valentine Expectations?