Glee (TV Series)

The Substitute (2010)

Jane Lynch: Sue Sylvester

Quotes 

• Will Schuester : So, Figgins is sick. How does that make you principal?

  Sue Sylvester : Well, through the blackmail of prominent local politicians, I strong-armed some extraordinarily broad clauses into my contract. My first order of business? Destroy the Glee Club.

  Will Schuester : I... I thought we were friends.

  Sue Sylvester : That got boring.

• Will Schuester : Morning, Sue.

  Sue Sylvester : Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there. That's "Principal Sue".

  Will Schuester : What?

  Sue Sylvester : Oh, you heard me right. My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.

• Will Schuester : What happened to Figgins?

  Sue Sylvester : Well, you need to start listening to the news, William. A particularly virulent strain of monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo, where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud, bisexual primates, not unlike your very Glee Club.

• Sue Sylvester : Nutrition is abysmal at this school.

  [holding up a crown of broccoli] 

  Sue Sylvester : You know what this is?

  Mercedes Jones : Toilet brush.

  Sue Sylvester : It's broccoli. When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived. I am declaring a war on junk food.

• Sue Sylvester : Hey, buddy, you look terrible. You should be home in bed. There's no reason for you to be here.

  Will Schuester : Well, the kids need me.

  Sue Sylvester : No, literally, there's no reason for you to be here. The kids prefer the substitute, and so do I. I got to be honest with you, Will. A lot of it's the hair thing. In fact, right now, I'm tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a tiny, full-length shearling coat for only the most fashionable of premature babies.

  Will Schuester : Oh... I long for the day when Figgins gets better and comes back.

  Sue Sylvester : Well, that's not gonna happen. The school board has been just flooded with e-mails from parents thrilled with my tough stance on healthy teen lunches. Figgins has been fired, and I've been formally offered the position. So why don't you go home, rest, watch some TV, die. It doesn't matter; 'cause you know what? As my first official act as full-time principal, you are fired.

• Will Schuester : So, I guess this is where I grovel to try to get my job back.

  Sue Sylvester : No groveling necessary, William. I'm returning you to your position. You know, one of the marks of a successful leader is appointing trusted lieutenants, and Ms. Holliday was clearly not up to the job. You irritate me, William. You make the underflaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac. But your kids sure love you, as evinced by the amount of treacly blubbering I had to sit through.

  [cut to a montage of students in Sue's office] 

  Finn Hudson : Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing and actually wants to hear an answer.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson.

  Sam Evans : He taught me how to tie my shoelaces.

  Rachel Berry : I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but... I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is.

  Brittany S. Pierce : Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after "M" and "N". I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.