- Lou: [facing a giant chess knight piece] Chief, I don't like the looks of that knight.
- Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, Lou. We're two spaces away and one to the right.
- [the chess knight lands on Chief Wiggum]
- Chief Wiggum: I guess it's game, set, match for me.
- Lou: I think you mean check and mate, Chief.
- Chief Wiggum: I just got crused by a giant horse, Lou. Can you cut me a break?
- Bart Simpson: Come on, it's just a game. We're not hurting anybody.
- [Accidentally hits Milhouse in the eye with controller]
- Milhouse Van Houten: Ow! My non-lazy eye!
- Count Dracula: Look, I'm more than just a vampire. I'm also a sucker for dixieland jazz.
- [Plays jazz trumpet]
- Edmund: You said you weren't bringing it.
- Count Dracula: I said I might not.
- Lisa Simpson: My boyfriend will be here. Remember not to be yourselves.
- Homer Simpson: I know, I know. Don't serve anything with garlic, don't try to stab him in the heart with a stake, don't ask him if he knows Frankenstein, it's racist somehow.
- Edmund: Dad,I don't need a chaperone. I'm 400 years old.
- Count Dracula: You live under my crypt, you follow my rules.
- Edmund: You're tearing me apart!
- Marge Simpson: Oh, Homey. What a great idea to take a cruise in uncharted waters.
- Homer Simpson: Yeah. Charts are for squares, baby.
- Funopoly Man: [crashing into the Simpsons' attic riding a Pennsylvania Railroad steam locomotive, money bag in hand] There was a bank error in my favor and I'm spending it all on Oriental Avenue prostitutes!
- Lisa Simpson: You're a vampire! I should be afraid, but I'm not.
- Edmund: Come, Lisa. Let us go over the trees the way a bat does, by jumping.