- The Angry Video Game Nerd: What's this? The program engineer shows his face? I wish it was Fred Fuchs.
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in any of the movies? Did Darth Vader say to Luke, "I am your father... and I am also a fucking scorpion." No! It's not true. That's impossible! Why does Darth Vader turn into a fucking scorpion? That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions. There is no version of Star Wars in this universe or timeline or any other... I'm sure of it... where Darth Vader turns into... a fucking scorpion. I need a beer.
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: Here's Empire Strikes Back, it starts out on Hoth, like the movie.
- [a text box with Obi-Wan Kenobi appears]
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: What's this? "The lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi"? Yeah, thanks. Thanks for interrupting the game to tell me that. Might as well tell me, "cows go moooooooooo."
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: Okay, I guess he's going into Mos Eisley. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets Han Solo, but one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? That's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets the bar so fast, I'll bet Han and Greedo were still talking at that table, like who shot first? Han or Greedo? Whatever. But actually, neither one of them shot first! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder right after Han says, "Over my dead body." BOOM! All of a sudden, Luke comes through crashing with the fucking landspeeder! I want to see THAT in the next special edition!
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: The odds of successfully navigating through this fuck heap are 3,720 to 1.
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: The NES got a different kind of Star Wars game. Wait, no LJN? It's a movie-based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: Did that blast just come from its ass? Are these Walkers or are they dogs shitting out airborn turds?
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: The object of the game is to get closer to the Death Star so you can destroy it, but unfortunately there's a dance floor in space that stretches out for an infinite number of lightyears. You have to wait for a hole to appear, you go through the hole, and now you engage the Death Star. Going with the dance theme, I think this would be a better game if you were trying to destroy a giant disco ball. Yeah, the storyline is that disco is coming back and you gotta stop it. It would be called "Disco Fuck Yourself", but now I'm just thinking out loud.
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: Of course, we had to stop somewhere, because there's a whole galaxy of Star Wars related games. This could have gone on and on. There's Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blasters, Star Wars Pod Racer, Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookiee Cookie Cookin', Storm Trooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed, that was a good one, Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing for Ackbars, Super Sith Shit Toss: Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game where you find his name in the fucking movies, Governor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie...
- [a buffalo takes a big shit through the window]
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: [screams] Oh my God! A fucking buffalo took a fucking shit in my fucking window! Oh, God! There's shit all over the place! I gotta clean this fucking shit up! What the fuck, man?
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: Once you get a clear shot to the center, it's time to go boom. It's gonna go boom. It's Atari, I know, it's gonna go boom. BOOM!
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: It figures, of all the scenes from the movie they could have chosen, they had to go with the space scene. Why? Because Atari loves space! The best way to describe Atari is "Spaceship shoot lazer! Boom!" That's it. Just the amount of games with the word "star" is overwhelming, or damn, "space"! What was this? The fucking Space Age of gaming? If this game was called "Star Wars", it would seem like any other Atari game.
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: One thing that's kind of annoying is that if you fall from too great a height, you take damage. Does that happen in Super Mario Bros.? No, it doesn't.
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: That's one way to make more money! Split 'em up into two different games!
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: There's a giant dance floor in space stretching out for eternal light years.
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: You never thought you'd beat a game like that! Not without the "Beat-a-Game" button!
- The Angry Video Game Nerd: We're gonna play a bunch of Star Wars games. The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action set pieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases, they had loveable characters, great storylines and a classic mythology that was ripe for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So how could they fuck that up? Let's find out.