Archer (TV Series)

Placebo Effect (2011)

Darren Criss: Mikey, Tommy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sterling Archer : Seriously, these potato-heads have to be the unsexiest mob of all time.

  Paddy : You know who yer messin' with, boyo? You have any idea who our boss is?

  Sterling Archer : Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board.

  [He cocks his shotgun and aims it at Paddy's kneecap] 

  Sterling Archer : Name the douchebag who's in charge.

  Paddy : Vincent... Van Gofuckyourself.

  Sterling Archer : Hmm. Vincent Van Gofuckmyself. Survey says?

  [He shoots Paddy's kneecap] 

  Lana Kane : Jesus! Archer!

  Sterling Archer : What, Lana? I said it was a rampage!

  Lana Kane : Still, though!

  Paddy : [screaming in pain]  Oh, you son of a whore!

  Sterling Archer : [in a mocking Irish accent]  Save it for the fast money round, Paddy.

  [He turns to the second mobster] 

  Sterling Archer : Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board. Name the douchebag who's in charge!

  [no response] 

  Sterling Archer : Err-err! Need an answer!

  [the mobster spits in his face] 

  Sterling Archer : Hmm. Cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Let me see cock-flavored spit!

  [He shoots the second mobster's kneecap; Archer reloads as the mobster screams in pain] 

  Sterling Archer : Guys, that's two strikes. One more wrong answer, and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank!

  [He turns to the bound and gagged janitors] 

  Sterling Archer : I'm just assuming you guys don't know what actually goes on here; I hope that doesn't sound racist.

  [He turns to Mikey] 

  Sterling Archer : Okay, kid...

  Lana Kane : He IS a kid, Archer, so...

  Sterling Archer : Lana, you're in the isolation booth! Lookin' for the douchebag who's...

  Paddy : Mikey Hannity, you say one word, and I'll cut yer yellow heart out...

  Sterling Archer : Err-err!

  [He shoots Paddy dead] 

  Mikey : OH, CHRIST!

  Sterling Archer : Mikey... you gotta listen to me. I have breast cancer.

  Mobster : Ha-ha, breast cancer!

  [With an annoyed look on his face, Archer shoots the second mobster dead] 

  Sterling Archer : So you'll forgive my impatience, because I and a lot of other people have been trying to fight cancer with your boss's fake chemo drugs.

  Mikey : Chemo? They just told me it was cream for male pattern baldness!

  Sterling Archer : Do I look like I need bald guy cream? Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this. It's so thick, my barber charges me double. I love my hair. As I'm sure you love your kneecap.

  Mikey : Franny Delaney! He runs everything out here in Brooklyn! Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution!

  Sterling Archer : Victimless crimes, Mikey. Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs.

  Mikey : They make the pharmacists buy the real stuff! Delaney sells it to - I swear I don't know who, but they switch it with the fake stuff here! And those pricks do all the packin'!

  [Archer turns to the janitors] 

  Sterling Archer : Wh - you guys are in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist!

  Lana Kane : [sarcastically]  Were ya?