Grand Theft Auto V (2013 Video Game)

Steven Ogg: Trevor Philips

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Quotes 

• Michael De Santa : You... are a hipster!

  Trevor Philips : What?

  Michael De Santa : You're a hipster.

  Trevor Philips : I hate hipsters.

  Michael De Santa : Classic hipster denial.

  Trevor Philips : I abhor hipsters. I eat them for fun!

  Michael De Santa : Hipsters love saying they hate hipsters.

  Trevor Philips : Well, I really fucking do!

  Michael De Santa : Self hatred. Common hipster affliction.

  Trevor Philips : Only because I'm living out here away from the Bean Machines, and the bankers?

  Michael De Santa : You're gentrifying. Soon, the skinny jeans will show up, then the skinny lattes, and then the bankers. And you'll be somewhere else starting the cycle all over again. Maybe you're not a classic garden variety hipster, but you're what the hipsters aspire to be. You, Trevor, are the proto-hipster.

  Trevor Philips : I don't know what you're talking about. I don't agree with what you're saying. You're talking bullshit. And you're trying to wind me up. But I'm very, very angry, and I want this conversation to stop right away.

  Michael De Santa : Hipster.

  Trevor Philips : Fuck you! Fuck you, Michael! Say it again!

  Michael De Santa : I've made my point. I'm not a sadist.

• Trevor Philips : Now go. I need to meditate. Or masturbate. Or both.

• Trevor Philips : You can jerk me off if I get bored. I'm kidding! You can suck me off.

• Elwood O'Neil : [over phone]  Trevor Philips.

  Trevor Philips : Elwood O'Neil, fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, Fuck you!

  Elwood O'Neil : Trevor, it's business.

  Trevor Philips : That wide-eyed idiot was mine!

  Elwood O'Neil : It's business, fella! You wanna discuss it, we're at the farm! Ernie, Earl, Walton, Wynn, Dale, Doyle, Daryl, Dan - all of us!

  Trevor Philips : Start writing those names on tombstones, 'cause I'm on the way to your lab, and we're going to see how much of a family meth business you got when I'm done!

  [hangs up and growls] 

  Trevor Philips : All! Of! You! Are! Going! To! Die!

• Trevor Philips : Is that sarcasm?

  Michael De Santa : Oh, you're fucking A-right it's sarcasm! You fuck! A few weeks ago, I was happily retired, sulking by my swimming pool, and my psychotic best friend shows up out of nowhere to torture me over mistakes I made, honest mistakes I made over a decade ago! We, our little posse, are flat fucking broke, but hey, let's go out and spend two million dollars on a tandem rotor fucking chopper, so I can go steal nerve gas from fucking terrorists! Forgive me, you ignorant fuck, but sarcasm is all I've fucking got! Sarcasm, and a room full of you cunts!

• Michael De Santa : Trevor! Answer the fucking question!

  Trevor Philips : I asked for a fair day's pay after a fair day's work. Then he kinda got a little angry so, I admit, I kinda got a little angry.

  Michael De Santa : Did you kill him?

  Trevor Philips : What kind of fuckin' animal do you take me for? No, I didn't kill him.

  Michael De Santa : Oh fuck.

  Trevor Philips : But I did kidnap his wife!

  Michael De Santa : Oh no! Oh shit! The fuck did you do?

  Trevor Philips : [In baby voice]  Oh I just told you what I just did.

• Trevor Philips : I'll swing by and sign the contracts, alright? Just ignore the bodies!

• Wade Herbert : There's two Michael Townleys living in LS. One is 83 and the other is in kindergarten. I asked the teacher to put him on the phone just to be safe. She threatened to call the cops. I ain't no molester, Trevor.

  Trevor Philips : Shut up before I molest you, alright.

• Trevor Philips : You look like you struggle with simple tasks.

• Wade Herbert : Floyd, it's me. Wade.

  Floyd Herbert : Who?

  Wade Herbert : Me, Wade. Your cousin.

  Floyd Herbert : Who?

  Trevor Philips : [kicks open the door, knocking Floyd down]  Your cousin! Fuck. He's come to visit you, you rude fuck. Now get up off the floor and fix me a fucking drink.

• Wade Herbert : I looked through the phone directory, and I did find a Michael De Santa. About the right age, married with two kids.

  Trevor Philips : What's his wife's name?

  Wade Herbert : Amanda.

  Trevor Philips : Amanda? You're a genius, you moron. Come on, come here.

  [offers his hand to help Wade up, only to punch him down again] 

  Trevor Philips : Don't you ever not tell me things I wanna know!

• Michael De Santa : You know, Devin, the way I see it, and hey, I'm no intelligent businessman like you. But the way I see it, there's two great evils that bedevil American capitalism of the kind you practice: Number one is outsourcing. You paid a private company to do your dirty work, and then you under paid that company because you thought you were big enough and bad enough that you didn't have to play by the rules. Oh, number two: off-shoring your profits.

  Trevor Philips : Off-shore?

  Michael De Santa : Oh, it's horrible. You wouldn't want to be sent off-shore just to save a little money, would you, T?

  Trevor Philips : Oh, no, I wouldn't.

  Michael De Santa : Franklin?

  Franklin : Oh, nah. I ain't goin' nowhere.

  Michael De Santa : But we know your opinions on the matter, Devin. Keep your problems the fuck out of America, huh?

  Trevor Philips : In this instance, when he puts it like that, it makes sense.

  Michael De Santa : Of course it does. Hey, Devin, goodbye, my old friend. Thanks for all the advice.

  Franklin : Buh-bye.

• Michael De Santa : Come back, we'll order pizza.

  Trevor Philips : Fuck you! Fuck your pizza. Fuck everything it stands for!

• Ortega : What the fuck, Trevor?

  Trevor Philips : This *is* the fuck, my soggy friend! You are out of business. The Lost MC are out of business. The guns and crank in this area go through Trevor Philips Enterprise, or they ain't going!

• Steve Haines : Those bastards love to sell drugs.

  Trevor Philips : Who doesn't?

• Trevor Philips : [intentionally running into somebody]  Oh, by the way, that's entirely your fault.

• Wade Herbert : Are we nearly there yet?

  Trevor Philips : No, Wade.

  Wade Herbert : Are nearly NEARLY there?

  Trevor Philips : You keep this up, you're not gonna get there at all.

• Trevor Philips : [looking out over Los Santos]  So Michael, this is where dead men come back to life. It's been nearly ten years. But you'll keep for another day or so huh, old friend? You motherfucking fuck! I grieved for you! You weren't even fucking dead. You were my best friend. Well guess who's coming to shit on your doorstep, you fuck!

• Trevor Philips : [showing Floyd his dick]  Mine ain't nothin' special, but this boy gets the job done.

• Trevor Philips : You're like every other asshole. You made a bit of money, and you became a turd.

  Michael De Santa : I've got news for you, I was always a turd.

  Trevor Philips : No! You weren't, man, you were something, but now, man, yeah, you're like this place, you're shell.

  Michael De Santa : Go fuck yourself. Are you some kind of pure, morally justifiable asshole? What, because you're... You're totally psychotic, somehow it's okay?

  Trevor Philips : I'm honest, alright? You're the hypocrite.

  Michael De Santa : Oh, yeah, you're a fucking hero. So far above it all.

  Trevor Philips : Oh, yeah? Well I'm not above ripping open your fucking chest to see what's replaced your heart!

  Michael De Santa : Rip it open, see what's there, baby, 'cause I'm ready!

• Trevor Philips : Who is this guy using my dead friend's tired-ass movie quotes with my dead friend's alias? And my dead friend's family? In a house that must have been paid for by my dead friend's stashed millions?

  Wade Herbert : Wow, that's a real mind fuck.

  Trevor Philips : Yeah, I'll show you a fucking mind fuck. I'm gonna stick my boy in your eye, it's gonna come out your ear!

  Wade Herbert : I-I-I didn't mean anything by that, T... T-Trevor.

  Trevor Philips : Lube up your eye hole, fucker, 'cause I'm gonna fuck your tiny mind! I'm about ready to turn you into roadkill!

  Wade Herbert : Please, don't turn me into anything. I just wanna be Wade.

• Trevor Philips : You make me want a lobotomy!

• Franklin : [they just killed Devin Weston, along with all their other enemies]  Now what?

  Michael De Santa : Now to keep a low profile and get on with our lives.

  Trevor Philips : As friends.

  Michael De Santa : What, do I have a choice?

  Trevor Philips : No, not really.

  Michael De Santa : Alright, then. As flawed, awful, totally uncomfortable, poorly matched friends. Absolutely.

  Trevor Philips : Well that's perfect, then we can get back to the kind of capitalism we practice.

  Franklin : Shit, I don't know how much more better that is than Devin's kind.

  Michael De Santa : Ooh, hypocrisy, Franklin. Civilization's greatest virtue.

  Trevor Philips : Jesus, your therapist has a lot to answer for.

  Michael De Santa : I know. I still hate myself. But at least I know the words for it now.

  Trevor Philips : Yeah, but I hate you and I know the words for it. Does that mean I don't have to go to therapy?

• Trevor Philips : So, we ready to go on this?

  Wade Herbert : Yep, although Floyd don't think it's a good idea meetin' at the condo...

  Trevor Philips : Tell Floyd it's a great idea to meet at the condo, and tell him we'll need chips and dip and prostitutes.

• Trevor Philips : [handing her cash]  Hey, darling, why don't you go get yourself something nice?

  Aunt Denise : Oh, thank you!

  [pause] 

  Aunt Denise : This is only seven dollars...

  Trevor Philips : I said something nice, not expensive! You wanna be a greedy fuckin' cow? Huh? No, now get the fuck outta here!

• Trevor Philips : [stomping Johnny Klebitz to death]  Fucking shit, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt! Who the fuck are you speaking to? Who? Who? I'm talking to you huh? You fuck! Next time don't get in my fucking face! I just saw a fucking ghost and I gotta hear your crap? Get up! Get up! Fuck you then.

• Trevor Philips : I know why they call'em handlers, 'cause they handle like a dream.

  Floyd Herbert : This ain't a toy, sir. It's heavy machinery.

  Trevor Philips : Thank fuck I'm high as a kite.

  Floyd Herbert : You should not be operating this vehicle while under the influence.

  Trevor Philips : I'll operate YOU under the influence if you're not careful.

• Mrs. Thornhill : Jock, do you see that lorry?

  Trevor Philips : What the fuck's a lorry?

• Lamar Davis : [Lamar, Franklin and Trevor are cautiously approaching a house operated by a rival gang to buy drugs. A dealer approaches the door]  Courier service. Package to collect.

  Dealer : You got the grip?

  Lamar Davis : [Opens a duffel bag to reveal a large amount of money]  Present and accounted for.

  [the dealer slowly goes back inside] 

  Lamar Davis : You like that, huh?

  Dealer : [Re-emerges with a brick of cocaine]  Sample?

  Lamar Davis : Now we talkin'!

  [the dealer gives him a line of cocain off the edge of his knife, and Lamar snorts it with approval] 

  Lamar Davis : Huh-huh-huh! My throat gettin' numb already!

  Franklin : So we good, nigga, right? Well, let's go!

  Trevor Philips : How 'bout a taste?

  Franklin : No, man! We leavin'!

  Trevor Philips : I want a taste of the other side of the brick.

  Dealer : No, you heard what your boy said; you leavin'!

  Trevor Philips : [Reaches for the brick, which the dealer tries to pull away]  Hey, gimme, gimme that! Gimme that... back!

  [They snap the brick in half, revealing it's filled with drywall] 

  Trevor Philips : Woah...

  Franklin : What the fuck?

  Trevor Philips : [Furious]  Did we ask for a key... or a fucking ounce?

  Lamar Davis : Man, that's motherfuckin' drywall!

  Dealer : [to hidden thugs]  Hey, we got some motherfucking buyer's remorse out here!

  [Hides in the house] 

  Trevor Philips : You can't fucking hustle a hustler!

• Trevor Philips : Amanda, you used to be fatter. Nice new tits, by the way.

• Lester Crest : For a couple of mid-west stick-up artists, you guys sure have become a pair of whiny, west coast DOUCHEBAGS!

  Franklin : What the fuck is wrong with the west coast?

  Lester Crest : Oh, nothing. I love it here. Everyone's so numbed by the sun that if you use a three-syllable word, they think you're a professor.

  Franklin : Man, fuck you.

  Trevor Philips : [yelling]  Yeah, fuck you, you high and mighty weasel! And you don't talk down to these fucking idiots!

  Michael De Santa : Hey! Leave Lester alone.

  Trevor Philips : Oh, oh you and Lester together? Oh now that makes fucking sense!

  Franklin : Oh for fuck's sake, man. You all are assholes. Man, I gotta go calm down, homey. This shit was real illuminating.

  [walks away] 

  Michael De Santa : Franklin, I'm sorry. Come on back, have a beer or something.

• Dave Norton : Some of the government... some of it is pretty corrupt.

  Trevor Philips : [Trevor, Franklin and Michael do the 'see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil' pose]  Not your bit, right?

  Dave Norton : Yes, but we're corrupt in a good way.

• Trevor Philips : It's like... pornography or a perfect turd. I can't quite describe it, but I'll know it when I see it.

• Nervous Ron Jakowski : You see, my buddy, my friend, my mentor and my new life... We'll just call him Philip. Philip Trevors. Yes, his name's Philip. When my friend Trevor, uhh, my friend Philip... he's such a guy, a man. I really wanna get him on my show but man, he doesn't want to. Even left his message.

  Trevor Philips : Ron. Ron, you there? You better not put me on your show you fucking prick or I will drink the blood from your still pumping veins!

• Trevor Philips : [hitting another car]  This car is going to be parked outside YOUR house.

• Trevor Philips : You look like a penis.

• Trevor Philips : I'll bet you got a tiny pee-pee.

• Floyd Herbert : You gotta go, both of you. My girlfriend, she'd kill me if she knew I had guests.

  Trevor Philips : Not much of a girlfriend if she don't like your family. Now would you get me a fucking drink? I'm not gonna ask you again!

• Floyd Herbert : What the F-word are you doing here?

  Trevor Philips : That's a funny way to greet your cousin.

  Floyd Herbert : You ain't my G-damn cousin, Trevor.

• Michael De Santa : [about to rob the Paleto Bay bank]  We ready for this?

  Trevor Philips : I could use a restroom break.

  Michael De Santa : And risk getting I.D.'d? You're an idiot.

  Trevor Philips : But I gotta go. It's number 2.

  Michael De Santa : Well pinch it off.

  Trevor Philips : I'll go in the bank. I brought a baggy.

  Michael De Santa : Double bag it.

• Trevor Philips : Let's be clear: only an idiot joins the cops.

• [Part of ending C: Trevor is driving a car with Devin locked in the trunk who'd been kidnapped from his home while under the protection of Merryweather] 

  Devin Weston : You know, you're a, you're a resourceful guy getting past those trained killers. I need someone like you in my organization.

  Trevor Philips : The CEO position's going to be vacant real soon, Slick.

  Devin Weston : I've got nothing against you apart from the obvious hygiene issues. Michael caused me problems, so Michael had to go.

  Trevor Philips : You're looking at it rationally - there are people who are useful to you and people who ain't, and the people who ain't got to go. Me, I'm not rational. I don't care if you're useful or not. I feel like taking you out, Devo, so that's what I'm doing.

  Devin Weston : This is a serious offer! Work for me, you'll have everything you've ever wanted.

  Trevor Philips : All I've ever wanted is to watch you drift in and out of consciousness as you're slowly disemboweled.

  Devin Weston : Yes! Yes! That's the kind of creativity I need on my team. Come on, come on, let me out of here.

  Trevor Philips : Look, I got my own company - Trevor Philips Industries.

  Devin Weston : Oh yeah, a fellow entrepreneur. Let me buy a stake, give you money to grow.

  Trevor Philips : I don't know if you heard, but I'm kind of gold rich right now. So you got precisely nothing to offer. Prepare for the end, my friend.

• Trevor Philips : The guns and crank in this area go through Trevor Phillips Enterprises... or they ain't going!

• Trevor Philips : [to Franklin as they get in a truck]  Seatbelt. Serious.

• Trevor Philips : [after Michael spares the armored car guard and gives him a block of gold]  Going as soft as that old, flaccid boy in your pants. This divorce couldn't come soon enough!

• Floyd Herbert : Wade, I heard you was off smoking meth somewhere.

  Trevor Philips : No, not somewhere, here. He's gonna smoke meth here. Get me a fucking lighter.

  Floyd Herbert : You can't smoke here.

  Trevor Philips : Okay.

• Trevor Philips : You know, Franklin, if there's one thing that you're gonna learn from being around us...

  Michael De Santa : Plead fuckin' insanity. Then they can't fry ya.

• Trevor Philips : You're back, man. We are back! Alright? All we gotta go do is bust out Brad, and then we're golden, man! Franklin, he makes us multicultural. Lester makes it cyber. We're like modern America. We just get ourselves a gay friend. Bam!

• Trevor Philips : Now look, Debra, Floyd... will ya marry me?

• Trevor Philips : [Trevor drives up to an abandoned lot where Franklin is waiting with a gun hidden behind his back]  Hey, man. How you doing?

  Franklin : Shit, I'm good, T. And you?

  Trevor Philips : Peachy. I know what this is about

  Franklin : You do?

  Trevor Philips : Course. It's Michael! You're the peacemaker. Well, I ain't havin' it, alright? I ain't havin' it. Maybe when the heat dies down, but this, nah, I ain't havin'. I mean, that's it, right? Huh? Wasn't it? WASN'T IT?

  Franklin : But Michael ain't the problem.

  [pulls his gun on him] 

  Franklin : T, I like you. You scare the shit out of me sometimes. You creep me the fuck out. But... but the way I see it, the way anyone normal would see it, not that any of this shit is normal. Man, you gonna get us all fuckin' killed.

  Trevor Philips : You're gonna whack me? Huh? Me? I ain't been nothing but straight and true with you.

  Franklin : I'm sorry, man. You have been true with me. But the truth ain't what I'm interested in.

  Trevor Philips : [drives off]  You fucking Judas! You're just like him!

• Trevor Philips : [chasing a train on a dirt bike]  Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga!

• Trevor Philips : [hitting another car]  You wanna end up in the trunk of this thing?

• Trevor Philips : So we are clear, you look like a tit.

• Trevor Philips : [flying back from North Yankton. Phone rings]  Trevor Philips Industries.

  Mr. Cheng : Mr. Philips, this is Wei Cheng. You know my eldest son, Tao.

  Trevor Philips : Yeah, the X nut. Back out of a contract we agreed on. How is he?

  Mr. Cheng : Still learning the ropes. Thank you. My friends missed you in North Yankton. I was hoping we could talk.

  Trevor Philips : Oh, was that your people?

  [in mock Chinese accent] 

  Trevor Philips : Oh, 'course. so sorry I hadta cut out.

  Mr. Cheng : Your operation causes problems for me. I want to expand into Blaine County. But your business and your temperament prevent me from making inroads.

  Trevor Philips : Oh, well, too bad. I don't know what you can do 'bout that.

  Mr. Cheng : I've already done something. We have your lover.

  Trevor Philips : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, my lover?

  Mr. Cheng : Michael De Santa. You live in your trailer together, with the maid. And then you were alone in that big house. Why you're clearly very close. How much will you give up for his safety?

  Trevor Philips : Ha. My lover? Yeah, right. That's a tough break. I'd never want to double cross a friend and put him in danger, but you gotta do what you gotta do. My business ain't goin' anywhere.

  Mr. Cheng : I am serious about this. He will die!

  Trevor Philips : Tell him I love him dearly.

  [hangs up] 

• Trevor Philips : [stripped down in his underwear chasing MaryAnn on his bike]  Mmmm, just think of all the angry revenge sex!

  MaryAnn Quinn : [as she rides off on her bike]  I am NOT having sex with you! Get that through your thick head!

  Trevor Philips : Ah, okay! Just jack me off into a cup, slap me around. WE GOT OPTIONS, BABY!

• Nervous Ron Jakowski : Come in, come in.

  Trevor Philips : I'll come in your ear when I get my hands on you.

• Trevor Philips : They damaged my stuff. They smash up my home. Damage my soul. Look at this... This, this, this, this statue here of Impotent Rage. This fucking meant more to me than Johnny K meant to anyone! And they smashed it! Those pathetic, midlife crisis, hog-riding, shaven-headed, fruity leather-chap-wearing fucking assholes!

• Trevor Philips : I am diversification personified... or personification diversified.

• Trevor Philips : [about Devin Weston]  "Stay spiritual" he says. I hope he believes in an after-life.

• Trevor Philips : [to a cop]  You look ridiculous in that uniform.

• Michael De Santa : Fuck you.

  Trevor Philips : You know, I'm beginning to think that's exactly what you wanna do.

  Michael De Santa : [mutters]  I just said the same fucking thing to my wife.

• Mrs. Philips : [looking around his trailer]  You done well for yourself...

  Trevor Philips : [stutters]  Wh- what? What are you... doing here?

  Mrs. Philips : [turn to face him]  Is that how you greet your mother, Trevor?

  Trevor Philips : [stutters]  I-I-I-I-I didn't know they let you out!

  Mrs. Philips : So you never wrote to me? You never visited...

  Trevor Philips : W-Well...

  Mrs. Philips : I bet you never found a girl!

  [pause] 

  Mrs. Philips : Tell me, Trevor... are you gay?

  Trevor Philips : [stutters]  No...

  Mrs. Philips : Is that what this is all about?

  Trevor Philips : No!

  Mrs. Philips : I wouldn't care! In fact I've always wanted a gay son. A son who wouldn't forget about his mother.

  Trevor Philips : BUT, MA...

  Mrs. Philips : "But, Ma!" "But, Ma!" "BUT, MA!" NOTHING! Not a peep.

  [she feels her stomach] 

  Mrs. Philips : I carried you in here. I fed you, I weaned you, now look at you. You always were an ungrateful, wretched, sniveling sack of shit of a boy! You know it, and I know it! There was always something wrong with you. Ashamed of yourself. Ashamed of me, of your own mother! I've been here for hours, and have you gotten me a drink? Or a cigarette? Or massaged my feet? I'm an old woman and you, in the prime of life! Have you nothing inside?

  Trevor Philips : [breaks down and holds her]  I AM SO SORRY!

• Trevor Philips : I'll bet you have a vagina.

• Trevor Philips : We shootin' shit up? Sprayin' some motherfuckers? I can drive-by with the best of'em.

• Lamar Davis : The fucker got fucked. He fucked the fucker himself.

  Trevor Philips : Shut up.

• Trevor Philips : [after killing Josef]  Removed from the gene pool.

• Joe : Stay outta this, you dumb Canadian!

  Trevor Philips : Ooh, you just made this real easy for me.

• Trevor Philips : [about Devin and Molly]  I don't understand the deal between you two.

  Devin Weston : Yeah? Well I don't understand the deal between you two

  [Trevor and Michael] 

  Devin Weston : either, but you know what? Life is just one long mystery.

• Trevor Philips : [searching a bar for illegals]  Ugh, this is pointless. Everyone in here has done something illegal.

• Trevor Philips : Hold on to your pointed hats, we're taking the scenic route.

• Trevor Philips : Bring me my coffee or I'm gonna cut your arm off.

• Steve Haines : [about Devin]  That guy gets more tail than a... than a tail-catcher.

  Trevor Philips : I'll have to fucking remember that one.

• Trevor Philips : I don't know what all these naysayers are talking about. I'm cranked out on speed most of the time, but I am productivity personified.

  Nervous Ron Jakowski : You sure accomplished a lot today, Trevor.

• Janet : Hey, you're banned!

  Trevor Philips : Is anyone NOT banned?

• Trevor Philips : Question my questions again, I'll slit your throat and let you gurgle the answers.

• Trevor Philips : If you're gonna give me a sob story, I'm gonna rip your fucking throat out and shove a turd down the hole!

• Trevor Philips : How about this? I'll tell you a story if you promise never to speak again.

  Wade Herbert : I like stories.

  Trevor Philips : Of course you do. This story is about a boy named Tre... Tr... er, Trisha.

  Wade Herbert : Is Trisha a boy's name?

  Trevor Philips : It doesn't matter.

  Wade Herbert : Sounds weird.

  Trevor Philips : He was weird. He was the smartest, toughest, weirdest kid in Canada. Well, in the Canadian border region of America.

• Trevor Philips : It's a lonely old road, ain't it?

  Lamar Davis : Lonely? Eh, I couldn't say. I mean, not really. A road's a road. It ain't got abandonment issues.

• Trevor Philips : [to MaryAnn stripped naked down in his underwear]  Me the psycho? NO, you are the CRAZIEST FUCKIN' CHICK I'VE EVER MET! I LOVE YOU!

• Trevor Philips : [to Devon]  Find a happy place, you zen cock!

• Trevor Philips : I know why they call 'em handlers, 'cause they handle like a dream!

  Floyd Hebert : This ain't a toy, sir. It's heavy machinery!

  Trevor Philips : Thank fuck I'm high as a kite!

  Floyd Hebert : You should not be operating this vehicle while under the influence.

  Trevor Philips : I'll operate YOU under the influence if you're not careful!

• Trevor Philips : [to Floyd]  Hey, whose dick you have to suck to get this job? Being a stevedore used to be back-breaking work, now you're owed brain surgeon bucks to push an oversized shopping cart...

  Floyd Herbert : I did not fellatiate no one to get this job. Debra's friends with the... with the...

  Trevor Philips : "With the. With the." You didn't fellate nobody, but darlin' Debra probably did. And she probably enjoyed it too.

• Manuel : Hey.

  Trevor Philips : I thought they deported you.

  Manuel : Why do you care?

  Trevor Philips : Oh, I don't. Except that they paid me some money.

  Manuel : That must feel good. What a proud patriot you are.

  Trevor Philips : So... When are they kicking you out?

  Manuel : They can't kick me out, stupid man.

  Trevor Philips : Why not?

  Manuel : My family has been here two hundred years. I'm more American than you. Not that it's anything to boast about.

  Trevor Philips : Well, I'm sorry.

  Manuel : Well, at least you got paid.

  Trevor Philips : Yeah, well don't get all serious, okay? Anybody can make a mistake.

  Manuel : [stands up]  Perhaps now you wanna kill me.

  Trevor Philips : Yeah, maybe, old man! Maybe not...

  Manuel : You and your civil border patrol friends, you're all the same. Ignorant fools trying to protect something that's not even there.

  Trevor Philips : They're not my friends.

  Manuel : Spend enough time with them...

  Trevor Philips : [angry]  Yeah, I spend a lot of time with fucking people I don't like, alright? It's one of my favorite hobbies.

  Manuel : [digusted]  Civil Border Patrol man!

  Trevor Philips : [pulls out his gun and points it at Manuel's head]  Fuck you! You wanna fuckin' die?

  Manuel : [calm]  You don't scare me. You owe my family a great debt.

  Trevor Philips : [surprised]  What?

  Manuel : My land is no longer safe.

  Trevor Philips : [puts his gun away]  It's not my fault!

  Manuel : You're so concerned, clean it up for me, your choice. And no, I will not give you one cent.

  [hits Trevor in the chest with his newspaper before leaving] 

  Manuel : Last I heard, your Civil Border Patrol friends were bullying some people east of here at the Zancudo farm. Go left on Ocean Highway, you'll see them.

  Trevor Philips : [growling while driving to the Donkey Punch Family Farm]  Fucking Civil Border Patrol.

• Floyd Herbert : And Trevor. Trevor is a...

  Trevor Philips : Trevor is a what?

  Wade Herbert : Trevor is... a good guy.

• Trevor Philips : I heard that those conferences are regular little fuck fests! Huh? Can I come in? Huh?

  Debra : I'd like you to leave, right now!

  Trevor Philips : Oh yeah... Some serious corporate gangbanging going on, right? Yeah with every executive and director of communications from here to Bangalore, taking it left, right and center, in the name of team training, right? I mean now that's what Floyd told me yesterday as he was starin' at my, err... my penis.

• Trevor Philips : Well, I'm so glad you proud patriots are out here defending this fine American desert... sand.

  Joe : Well thank you...

  Trevor Philips : When you could be in town fucking some girls and further destroying the gene pool.

• Trevor Philips : Come one, come all, I say. This country has bigger things to worry about.

  Joe : Well that's because you've been brainwashed by the secular media. Don't you worry, though, we'll convert you.

• Trevor Philips : [about Lazlow]  That host, man, he's like any closeted TV presenter: bitter as fucking vinegar.

• Trevor Philips : This boy, he had all the talent, charisma and guile that a boy could have, but he didn't know what to do with it.

  Wade Herbert : He should become a baseball player.

  Trevor Philips : No, he shouldn't, because he's not a fucking sell-out idiot.

  Wade Herbert : Or a hockey player.

  Trevor Philips : He did for a while, but his coach accidentally had a stick jammed up his ass.

• Trevor Philips : And her persuaded our hero that maybe he should rob people too. And you know what? Little Trisha did rob people. And little Trisha was good at it.

  Wade Herbert : And they lived happily ever after?

  Trevor Philips : For a while, until the troll met a another troll in a strip club, and they fell in lust. And he bought her a pair of fake troll tits, even bigger than his real troll tits.

• Trevor Philips : And just then, just when he hit rock bottom, he met a fat, silver-tongued troll under a bridge.

  Wade Herbert : That's cool. What was the troll's name?

  Trevor Philips : Mike... Michele.

  Wade Herbert : A lady troll?

  Trevor Philips : He had tits like one, but no, he was a boy.

  Wade Herbert : Michele is a funny name for a boy.

  Trevor Philips : This was a funny boy.

• Trevor Philips : [while Jacking a Vehicle]  Trust me, you do not wanna carpool with me.

• Trevor Philips : [answers phone]  Who the fuck is this?

  Steve Haines : The guy keeping you out of the gas chamber. Townley's on the way. We need to talk face to face. Warehouse off Dutch London in Banning.

  Trevor Philips : Oh, we can do more than talk, my friend.

• Trevor Philips : Fuck, let's just go, alright. I ain't gonna let those G-men fucking scumbags tell me what to do.

  Mr. K : Then why did you just torture me?

  Trevor Philips : Don't ask too many fucking questions.

• Tao's Translator : [to Trevor]  No,don't go! Please, I beg you! If you do, his father kill me!

  Trevor Philips : [pauses and shrugs]  Why do I give a fuck?

• [switching to Trevor occasionally results in being in the middle of a car chase between Trevor and the police with a 2-star wanted level] 

  Trevor Philips : Officers! You must admit that at the end of the day, it was only a minor public indecency... followed by resisting arrest... and maybe assaulting an officer in between.

• Trevor Philips : Do you want me to get my dick out again?

• Trevor Philips : Weed. WEED. I'd rather suck cock than smoke weed, and I've done both.

• Trevor Philips : Take off your pants, cowboy, alright? Let's, let's fuck.

  Johnny Klebitz : You think this is funny?

  Trevor Philips : Get them off!