
A Real Pain (2024)
Kieran Culkin: Benji Kaplan
Photos
Quotes
-
[Benji is explaining to David how they can get through their train trip without paying]
Benji Kaplan : We stay moving, we stay light, we stay agile.
David Kaplan : Yeah.
Benji Kaplan : The conductor's gonna come through taking tickets. We tell him we're going to the bathroom.
David Kaplan : The bathroom. Okay.
Benji Kaplan : He gets to the back of the train, he starts heading towards the front looking for stragglers.
David Kaplan : Sorry, we're the stragglers?
Benji Kaplan : Yeah. By the time he gets to the front, the train's gonna be in the station and we're home free.
David Kaplan : This is so fucking stupid.
Benji Kaplan : Man, what's stupid is the corporatization of travel. Ensuring that the rich move around the world, propagate their elitist loins, while the poor stay cut off from society.
David Kaplan : That's great, we can argue Marxism while they're hauling us off to Siberia.
Benji Kaplan : Siberia is in Russia, Dave.
David Kaplan : This is ridiculous. Tickets are probably like twelve bucks.
Benji Kaplan : It's the principle of paying. We shouldn't have to pay for train tickets in Poland. This is our country.
David Kaplan : No, it's not. It was our country. They kicked us out 'cause they thought we were cheap.
-
Marcia : Last year my daughter married a very rich man.
Benji Kaplan : Oh, fuck.
Marcia : And she's incapable of having a conversation with any depth anymore.
Benji Kaplan : Well, yeah, of course. Money's like fucking heroin for boring people.
-
Marcia : David, we numb ourselves to avoid thinking about our impact.
Eloge : Ignoring the proverbial slaughterhouse to enjoy the steak, as it were.
Benji Kaplan : Yes, Eloge! Damn, that's a good analogy.
David Kaplan : No, and I get that, I get all that, it just seems like maybe there's, like, a time and a place to grieve, and maybe it's not...
Benji Kaplan : Yo, Dave.
David Kaplan : What?
Benji Kaplan : We're on a fucking Holocaust tour. If now is not the time and place to grieve, to open up, I don't know what to tell you, man.
-
[in Benji and David's hotel room]
Benji Kaplan : How the fuck are we supposed to smoke a joint in here? They fuckin' locked the windows. It's like a goddamn police state.
David Kaplan : Yo, man, I think I might just wanna crash. We've been up for like twenty-four hours.
Benji Kaplan : Don't. Don't tell me you're gonna sleep on me. This is our first night together in fuckin' years.
David Kaplan : I don't know. I'm exhausted, I haven't showered...
Benji Kaplan : You're exhausted? Dude, the weed's gonna help you sleep.
David Kaplan : Is it the kind that helps you sleep?
Benji Kaplan : No, it's the other kind.
-
Marcia : If I hear from my kids once a month, it's a shock.
Benji Kaplan : Oh, Marcia. Fuck those guys. Man, I wouldn't miss a week.
-
Benji Kaplan : You used to be fucking different, man.
[David scoffs]
Benji Kaplan : You used to be so emotional. You used to fucking cry about everything, man. Like...
David Kaplan : Yeah, I know. It was awful. Who the fuck wants to cry about everything?
Benji Kaplan : Dave, man, you're not fucking listening to me, man. I'm saying that *we* used to be different. Like, *we.*
David Kaplan : Yeah. Benji, I have, like, a job and a family.
Benji Kaplan : I know.
David Kaplan : And I don't have time to hang out with you all night, every night, okay?
Benji Kaplan : I don't fucking want that.
David Kaplan : Yes, you do. You're, like, an all-encompassing person; I don't think you realize that.
Benji Kaplan : Man, I'm just saying, like, you, like...
David Kaplan : I don't think you realize that.
Benji Kaplan : Man, you, like, literally never visit me.
David Kaplan : What, in... sorry, you mean in Binghamton?
Benji Kaplan : Yeah, man, that's where I live.
David Kaplan : Well, yeah, I'm busy, okay? And I live in New York City. Isn't it easier for you to come down to me?
Benji Kaplan : Easier? It's the same fucking distance, Dave.
David Kaplan : Yeah, but it's New York City, man. It's, like, the more logical place to visit than fucking Binghamton, all due respect.
Benji Kaplan : What's wrong with Binghamton?
David Kaplan : Nothing is wrong with Binghamton. You are, like, purposefully making me look like an asshole for questioning it.
Benji Kaplan : Yo, fuck off, dude.
David Kaplan : Yo, you fuck off.
Benji Kaplan : Why don't you give a shit about me anymore?
David Kaplan : [choking up] I do give a shit about you. I just don't understand how you would ever do anything so fucking stupid to yourself.
Benji Kaplan : Dave, man...
David Kaplan : Benji. I, like... I walk around with, like, this terrible fucking image of you in my head...
Benji Kaplan : Mm-hmm.
David Kaplan : Okay? And, yeah, I don't... yeah, I don't wanna lose you, okay? You see how people love you? Do you see what happens when you walk into a room? I would give anything to know what that feels like, man. To know what it feels like to have charm. To light up a room when I walk in. But you light up a room and then you, like, shit on everything inside of it.
[Benji chuckles]
-
Benji Kaplan : You are, like, an awesome guy stuck inside the body of somebody who's always running late. And I gotta, like, fish that fuckin' guy outta ya every time I see ya.
David Kaplan : Thank you, I think.