Jesse Eisenberg credited as playing...
David Kaplan
- [Benji is explaining to David how they can get through their train trip without paying]
- Benji Kaplan: We stay moving, we stay light, we stay agile.
- David Kaplan: Yeah.
- Benji Kaplan: The conductor's gonna come through taking tickets. We tell him we're going to the bathroom.
- David Kaplan: The bathroom. Okay.
- Benji Kaplan: He gets to the back of the train, he starts heading towards the front looking for stragglers.
- David Kaplan: Sorry, we're the stragglers?
- Benji Kaplan: Yeah. By the time he gets to the front, the train's gonna be in the station and we're home free.
- David Kaplan: This is so fucking stupid.
- Benji Kaplan: Man, what's stupid is the corporatization of travel. Ensuring that the rich move around the world, propagate their elitist loins, while the poor stay cut off from society.
- David Kaplan: That's great, we can argue Marxism while they're hauling us off to Siberia.
- Benji Kaplan: Siberia is in Russia, Dave.
- David Kaplan: This is ridiculous. Tickets are probably like twelve bucks.
- Benji Kaplan: It's the principle of paying. We shouldn't have to pay for train tickets in Poland. This is our country.
- David Kaplan: No, it's not. It was our country. They kicked us out 'cause they thought we were cheap.
- Marcia: David, we numb ourselves to avoid thinking about our impact.
- Eloge: Ignoring the proverbial slaughterhouse to enjoy the steak, as it were.
- Benji Kaplan: Yes, Eloge! Damn, that's a good analogy.
- David Kaplan: No, and I get that, I get all that, it just seems like maybe there's, like, a time and a place to grieve, and maybe it's not...
- Benji Kaplan: Yo, Dave.
- David Kaplan: What?
- Benji Kaplan: We're on a fucking Holocaust tour. If now is not the time and place to grieve, to open up, I don't know what to tell you, man.
- [having gotten drunk and made a fool of himself, Benji has just excused himself from his tour group's dinner table to use the restroom, leaving the group in awkward silence]
- David Kaplan: Sorry about him.
- Eloge: No, no.
- Diane: What a troubled young man.
- Eloge: He wants to be good. You can see the spark. Do you know what I mean?
- Marcia: Yeah. Absolutely, Eloge.
- Mark: Forgive me if I don't see this magical spark.
- Diane: Oh, Mark, stop it. He's tormented, for whatever reason.
- Mark: Okay.
- Marcia: He's funny and he's charming under all the mishegoss.
- Diane: I feel bad for him.
- Marcia: Has he always been like this?
- David Kaplan: Yeah. I mean, he's always been, like, up and down, you know? Like, he's sensitive, and he, like, sees people so clearly, you know? But then you say the wrong thing and, like, something switches. Or maybe it's not appropriate to talk about him.
- Marcia: No.
- Diane: No, what's not appropriate? You obviously got something going on between you and, uh - well, he's clearly in pain.
- David Kaplan: Yeah, but isn't everyone in pain in some way? I mean, look at what happened to our families, look at where we came from. I mean, who isn't - you know, who isn't wrought?
- Mark: Well, you seem okay.
- David Kaplan: I'm not, though. I'm not. I just, like, take a pill for my fuckin' OCD, you know, and I jog and I meditate and I go to work in the morning and I, like, come home at the end of the day, and I, like, move forward, you know, because I know that my pain is unexceptional, so I don't feel the need to, like, I don't know, burden everybody with it, you know?
- Mark, Eloge: Yeah.
- David Kaplan: Yeah. God, I'm sorry.
- James: No, it's all - it's all right, David.
- Diane: It's okay.
- David Kaplan: I'm sorry, I'm ranting, I am just, like... I don't know. Um...
- [he chokes up]
- David Kaplan: Ooh. Sorry, I'm just, like, so fucking exhausted by him sometimes, you know? Like, I... I, I love him and I hate him and I wanna kill him... and I wanna be him, you know? And I feel, like, so stupid around him, you know, because he is so fucking cool and he just does not give a shit. And then... just, like, being here with him is just so fucking baffling to me, you know? It's just baffling, 'cause it's like: How did this guy come from the survivors of this place, you know?
- [he turns to Mark]
- David Kaplan: I mean, that your uncle had to sell, like, used furniture to rich assholes or, like, couldn't get into medical school.
- [he turns to Eloge]
- David Kaplan: And that you survived, like, the worst thing to happen on this planet in the last thirty years. And that our grandma survived by a thousand miracles when the entire world was trying to kill her, you know? And I look at him and I just, like, wanna ask him... I just wanna ask him, and I just can't. Like... like, how did the product of a thousand fucking miracles overdose on a bottle of sleeping pills?
- Marcia: What?
- Diane: Sorry, what did you say?
- David Kaplan: Yeah, he tried to... yeah, sorry, I probably shouldn't have said anything.
- James: It's okay. Uh, I'm so - I'm sorry to hear that.
- Eloge: I'm so sorry. That's - that's very distressing.
- Marcia: When did this happen?
- David Kaplan: Like six - six months ago. My aunt Leah - uh, Benji's mom - found him on the couch. And I know he is so funny and so charming. And you are all gonna walk away with this picture of this amazing man, which he totally is in so many ways. But when I picture him, it is passed out on a ratty basement couch while I am in New York City with my beautiful wife and adorable child, and it just fucking kills me. Sorry. I'm... I'm oversharing.
- [the sound of live piano emerges from the next room]
- David Kaplan: Well, they're back again.
- Marcia: It's him.
- [the pianist is revealed to be Benji, playing Tea for Two]
- [in Benji and David's hotel room]
- Benji Kaplan: How the fuck are we supposed to smoke a joint in here? They fuckin' locked the windows. It's like a goddamn police state.
- David Kaplan: Yo, man, I think I might just wanna crash. We've been up for like twenty-four hours.
- Benji Kaplan: Don't. Don't tell me you're gonna sleep on me. This is our first night together in fuckin' years.
- David Kaplan: I don't know. I'm exhausted, I haven't showered...
- Benji Kaplan: You're exhausted? Dude, the weed's gonna help you sleep.
- David Kaplan: Is it the kind that helps you sleep?
- Benji Kaplan: No, it's the other kind.
- Benji Kaplan: You used to be fucking different, man.
- [David scoffs]
- Benji Kaplan: You used to be so emotional. You used to fucking cry about everything, man. Like...
- David Kaplan: Yeah, I know. It was awful. Who the fuck wants to cry about everything?
- Benji Kaplan: Dave, man, you're not fucking listening to me, man. I'm saying that *we* used to be different. Like, *we.*
- David Kaplan: Yeah. Benji, I have, like, a job and a family.
- Benji Kaplan: I know.
- David Kaplan: And I don't have time to hang out with you all night, every night, okay?
- Benji Kaplan: I don't fucking want that.
- David Kaplan: Yes, you do. You're, like, an all-encompassing person; I don't think you realize that.
- Benji Kaplan: Man, I'm just saying, like, you, like...
- David Kaplan: I don't think you realize that.
- Benji Kaplan: Man, you, like, literally never visit me.
- David Kaplan: What, in... sorry, you mean in Binghamton?
- Benji Kaplan: Yeah, man, that's where I live.
- David Kaplan: Well, yeah, I'm busy, okay? And I live in New York City. Isn't it easier for you to come down to me?
- Benji Kaplan: Easier? It's the same fucking distance, Dave.
- David Kaplan: Yeah, but it's New York City, man. It's, like, the more logical place to visit than fucking Binghamton, all due respect.
- Benji Kaplan: What's wrong with Binghamton?
- David Kaplan: Nothing is wrong with Binghamton. You are, like, purposefully making me look like an asshole for questioning it.
- Benji Kaplan: Yo, fuck off, dude.
- David Kaplan: Yo, you fuck off.
- Benji Kaplan: Why don't you give a shit about me anymore?
- David Kaplan: [choking up] I do give a shit about you. I just don't understand how you would ever do anything so fucking stupid to yourself.
- Benji Kaplan: Dave, man...
- David Kaplan: Benji. I, like... I walk around with, like, this terrible fucking image of you in my head...
- Benji Kaplan: Mm-hmm.
- David Kaplan: Okay? And, yeah, I don't... yeah, I don't wanna lose you, okay? You see how people love you? Do you see what happens when you walk into a room? I would give anything to know what that feels like, man. To know what it feels like to have charm. To light up a room when I walk in. But you light up a room and then you, like, shit on everything inside of it.
- [Benji chuckles]
- Benji Kaplan: You are, like, an awesome guy stuck inside the body of somebody who's always running late. And I gotta, like, fish that fuckin' guy outta ya every time I see ya.
- David Kaplan: Thank you, I think.