The Internship (2013)
Owen Wilson: Nick Campbell
Photos
Quotes
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Lyle : [approaching Billy and Nick] Nice, there they are! Nice to meet you. I'm Lyle, one of the team managers. Pound me!
[raises a fist]
Billy McMahon : Oh, normally, just putting the... the fist up without the words is all that's necessary.
Lyle : C'mon, bro. Fist me, get up in there.
Nick Campbell : Yeah, that's definitely not right.
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Nick Campbell : Geez, Yo-Yo, did you get beat up a lot in school?
Yo-Yo Santos : I was homeschooled by my mom.
Billy McMahon : Did you get beat up a lot in homeschool?
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Billy McMahon : [to Yo-Yo just before the lap dance] This is Tapioca. She's studying to be a dental assistant. Enjoy!
Nick Campbell : [after Yo-Yo has an orgasm from the lap dance, he dries his pants] It happens all the time. Some would say it's the point.
Nick Campbell : [after Yo-Yo's second orgasm and he tries to dry his pants again] It's all good. You might want to double up on the underwear next time.
Nick Campbell : [after Yo-Yo's third orgasm, drying his pants again] I got to tell you, the reboot time is impressive. Trifecta.
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Nick Campbell : Wh-Why did you bring me over to introduce me to this guy? It's like he was your best friend. You introduced me to Hitler.
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Billy McMahon : Nick? Would I be wrong to call you my brother?
Nick Campbell : Of course not, I'd do anything for my little show pony. Look at me, anything.
Billy McMahon : I need you to ice my balls for me.
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Stuart : Quick interjection: When you keep saying 'on the line,' you do mean online?
Nick Campbell : Stuart. Don't do that. You don't do that to a man. He's got a million-dollar idea right here.
Stuart : A billion-dollar idea?
Nick Campbell : Even better. Let him flow!
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Billy McMahon : No, we can't talk about it later. The future doesn't know later.
Nick Campbell : All the future is, is later. That's literally what the future is. It's later. What are you talking about?
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Nick Campbell : [toasting Yo-Yo's first alcoholic drink] To the night you'll never remember!
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Nick Campbell : For whatever it's worth, your imagination is so wild, reality's gonna be a breeze, if not a letdown.
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[first lines]
Nick Campbell : What the shit is this? Why is this on the get psyched mix?
Billy McMahon : Because I gotta throw you a curve-ball every now and again, or you get bored, and the mix doesn't have its intended effect.
Nick Campbell : No, I want to get rev'd up, and this song's not doing it.
Billy McMahon : Oh, really? I defy you to crush this chorus and not get psyched.
Nick Campbell : Not gonna happen.
Billy McMahon : Don't ya think?
[cranks up the volume and Nick actually starts singing along]
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Jeanie : Let me call Kevin.
Nick Campbell : Jeanie... I'm sure your boyfriend's a great guy, but I'm not ready to work for someone who spent all of last Thanksgiving explaining the meaning of his tattoo.
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Nick Campbell : People want to work with people.
Nick and Billy's Boss : People hate people!
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Nick Campbell : People have a deep distrust of machines. Have you seen Terminator? Or 2? Or 3? Or 4?
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Nick Campbell : You know, Google has single-handedly cut into my ability to bullshit.
Dana : Cramping your style?
Nick Campbell : Big time.
Dana : Make you a better person?
Nick Campbell : Yeah, true. 90% Google, 10% you.
Dana : Just 10%? Really?
Nick Campbell : Let's call it 20%.
Dana : [giggling] You know, I didn't expect that I would like you.
Nick Campbell : I didn't think you'd like me, either.
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Neha : I've only read about this stuff, okay? Craigslist casual encounters, Twilight fanfiction, hentai.
Nick Campbell : What's hentai?
Neha : Japanese comic books where the women get penetrated by octopus tentacles.
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Dana : Are you talking about regret?
Nick Campbell : Well, I don't want to add *not* asking you out to that list, because the credit card is maxed out.
Dana : Okay, so, let me establish, you are in fact asking me out on a date?
Nick Campbell : Yes. And I figure I'm such a mountain of mistakes that going out with me just once this evening will be like packing 10 years of bad experience into, ya know, one night.
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Nick Campbell : I might be detecting a bit of an accent.
Dana : You are?
Nick Campbell : Uh huh. I have a very good ear. English, right?
Nick Campbell : [with a mock British accent] 'Hello, Governor! Oliver Twist! More bread, please, sir!'
Dana : Australian, actually.
Nick Campbell : Really? Similar flags, though.
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[Billy and Nick are at their employer's office after the company goes out of business]
Billy McMahon : [angry] What the fuck, Sammy!
Nick and Billy's Boss : What the fuck me? What the fuck you! Who told you could barge into my office without an appointment?
Nick Campbell : You closed the company? And then you sent us out on a sale that we really needed and have Bob Williams drop that bomb on us?
Nick and Billy's Boss : Bob Williams' got a big fuckin' mouth.
Nick Campbell : Yeah, he does.
Nick and Billy's Boss : Look, you weren't gonna get the sale anyway. Nobody wears a watch anymore. They just check their goddamn phones.
Nick Campbell : Disagree. Cite your sources.
Billy McMahon : The kids, maybe, but there's... there's a broader market.
Nick and Billy's Boss : Lorraine, what time is it?
Lorraine : [checks the time on her cellphone] 10:26.
Billy McMahon : One hip, pioneering secretary does not a cultural trend make.
Nick and Billy's Boss : She 75 years old. Watches are obsolete and so are the two of you.
Nick Campbell : Obsolete? What does that even mean?
Nick and Billy's Boss : It means everything's computerized now! It's cheaper for a machine to tell these companies what to order than an manufacturer's rep. They don't need us anymore.
Nick Campbell : No, people have a deep, mistrust of machines. Have you seen Terminator?
Billy McMahon : Yep.
Nick Campbell : Or "2"?
Billy McMahon : Mmm-hmm
Nick Campbell : Or "3" or "4"?
Billy McMahon : All of them.
Nick Campbell : People wanna deal with people, not terminators.
Nick and Billy's Boss : People hate people. Times have changed.
Nick Campbell : That's so negative.
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Nick Campbell : [realizing when he's in middle of a game] What the fuck does this have to do with computers?
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Nick and Billy's Boss : Luckily, I saw this coming. Cashed out my retirement, bought a condo in Miami Beach, new tits for the wife. Silicone. It's legal again.
Billy McMahon : Wow.
Nick Campbell : Saline's out?
Nick and Billy's Boss : Yeah. Me and the old lady are gonna be tucked away real nice.
Billy McMahon : Yeah, great for you, huh? Perfect. So, uh, that's it right? But what about us, Sammy?
Nick and Billy's Boss : [sighs] You two were great salesmen. The best! But at the end of the day, you're grinders. Foot solders. We all know you'll never be generals. And I'm gonna say something harsh right now.
Billy McMahon : Now you're gonna say something harsh?
Nick and Billy's Boss : Strap it in, boys, 'cause it ain't pretty out there. And you two are dinosaurs. Face it, where you're going... you've already been.
[places two watches for Billy and Nick as gifts for them]
Nick and Billy's Boss : I thank you for your service.
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Nick Campbell : Why not use emacs rather than vi as the default editor for Ubuntu?
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Nick Campbell : Just when you think your day couldn't get any worse, it got worse.
Billy McMahon : I feel like my day bent me over, put a ball in my mouth and fucked me bad.
Nick Campbell : Is it just me or does life look a lot like those hillbillies from Deliverance now? It's got me over by the tree there, just told me I had a pretty mouth. You over, squealing like a pig on all fours. I'm looking, where's Burt Reynolds with the crossbow? He's not coming. We're there. It's gonna happen. You're gonna get raped.
Billy McMahon : You know what it is? I feel like life's inside of me. Just working, just pushing... Just going all after it. And all of a sudden, life pulls out. But he's gonna scurry up the pillow. Boom, just explodes right in my fucking mouth.
Billy McMahon : [the two of them notice a woman with her child on a bench, next to them] How are you?
Nick Campbell : Hey... Hey, cute kid. How old is she?
Woman On Park Bench : She's a boy.
Nick Campbell : Okay.
Billy McMahon : Still very attractive. Without pink or blue it's hard to tell, but the features are great. Maybe put him in some modeling.
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Mr. Chetty : While internally dogfooding a new product, a number of Googlers reported a bug that disabled their audio. All two million lines of that code are in the source files. Your job: find the bug.
Yo-Yo Santos : Scan the logs for any red flags.
Stuart : See what exceptions were thrown.
Lyle : I always start by drawing up strategies to sift through the code.
Billy McMahon : [to Nick] Code, right? Code, right? Codes...
Nick Campbell : Uh...
Billy McMahon : [to all] So at the end of the day, we're looking to kind of break the password here, right? Maybe the answer's in the question. Maybe it's something with bug.
Nick Campbell : Eureka.
Billy McMahon : Bug like fly. The Fly... Is Chetty a cinephile?
Nick Campbell : Goldblum.
Billy McMahon : Goldblum!
Nick Campbell : Boggles my mind that no one has a notebook out. You guys are focused on writing this gibberish. Maybe that's helpful, maybe it's not, but I guarantee you what we're saying is helpful.
Lyle : Guys, we're looking for a bug, not a password. They're different things.
Nick Campbell : [to Billy] Keep going with that human connection...
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Kevin, Matress Salesman : Have you done the back door yet?
Nick Campbell : No.
Kevin, Matress Salesman : Knock-knock.
Nick Campbell : No
Kevin, Matress Salesman : It's me, with my pee-pee.
Nick Campbell : No.
Kevin, Matress Salesman : A life changer. It is a life changer!
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[Billy and Nick see a man in a wheelchair. They think he is professor Charles Xavier and approach him]
Billy McMahon : Professor Charles Xavier?
Not Professor X : [sarcastically] Very funny.
Nick Campbell : British! Listen, Professor Xavier, sorry about that, if we can just talk to you for...
Not Professor X : [impatiently] Gentlemen, I don't have time.
Billy McMahon : Hey, Professor Xavier, we know that it's you. And listen, we really need your help.
Not Professor X : [sarcastically] All right, you found me out. I am Charles Xavier.
["Professor Xavier" points at two students]
Not Professor X : And that's Cyclops, and Rogue. We're all here.
[Billy and Nick are excited]
Not Professor X : Now, come closer. I want to share some of my telekinetic wisdom with you.
Billy McMahon : I want you to share this, because I want to know about these bugs...
[as Billy bends forward, "Professor Xavier" punches him in the face, then punches Nick in the groin, and rolls the wheelchair away. Nick and Billy double over painfully]
Not Professor X : [while moving away] Assholes!
Nick Campbell : [holds his groin] You maniacal monster!
Billy McMahon : [covers his nose] Professor Xavier is a total dick!
