User Reviews

Crossbones - why it's terrible as a history lesson but enjoyable as a TV series (i've seen the first 6 episodes upon writing this)

If you are seeking historical accuracy in this pirate series, you need not watch one minute of Crossbones, because you won't find it. This is the type of series that says more about the 21st century, about the way we tell stories nowadays than the period it's supposed to portray. For instance, while I believe that people in a pirate colony might be looser from the conventional discrimination of the age than those in the Olde Country society, and that in such a place there might be more opportunities for enterprising women and freed slaves, it is still unconvincing that they could be pirates on equal footing with their white male counterparts. And there are many examples of dialogue, language and accents, motives, locations, dress sets and outfits where I thought "This will only make sense to a 21st century viewer, and would rankle with weirdness for hypothetical viewers from that era, or laughable datedness for viewers 30 years in the future."

Then there are plenty of other aspects that are improbable or unbelievable. Boats sailing right against the wind. Other violations against the laws of gravity etc. People who are careful to hide their life savings from their rivals just turn their back once a rival is carrying a box full of gold for them. The great navigational device that the plot revolves around: while there is a lot of talk about how it's built, never is it explained how it works - could it really be so self-explanatory to use? Also they don't seem to have much trouble navigating at all, what advantage could the device possibly give? The pirate Blackbeard speaks in poetic Shakespearian wholly unbefitting his reputation, John Malkovich being rather improbable a violent and volatile pirate in any case. All important actors healing miraculously fast from lethal-looking injury while characters unimportant to the story keel over from a scratch. The Antoinette subplot is just… like they wanted to incorporate a horror story layer in the series, and it's quite laughable and interferes with the pace of the story. The hundred candles wastefully burning in every room, even the poorer houses, to provide a pretty but once again unbelievable set. There is plenty of violence to illustrate what a tough world it is. As such it works but I don't enjoy watching it. There are several plot holes, and other parts of the story are completely predictable.

So, it's mostly a fantastical tale with a period-dress pirate flavor. If you're willing to accept that, there's nonetheless enough to enjoy. I'm a sucker for just superficially beautiful images and period dress, the series offers just that. It's funny at times and the action scenes are often enjoyable, the characters keep me interested in what will happen to them or curious to what their true motives and backstory are. The actor who plays Lowe, the hero, I didn't know him before but he's really good. The series combines adventure and action, with drama, (b)romance, intrigue and horror elements - basically all over the place but has something for everyone not too critical. There are moral choices, political and semi-historical issues, a bit of philosophy, so it offers some things to think about and other things just to enjoy watching. In short, entertainment in the true sense of the word.

Acting is fine (for some), but abysmal writing and direction all the way through. Way to much exposition through the main protagonists deductive reasoning, up to a point it was a minor, but not insignificant annoyance, but the part where the man stands on the top a cliff at night, sees some people way down on the beach and is somehow able to both recognize them and deduce their purpose there in a matter of seconds was the straw that broke the camels back for me. It just murdered what little remained of my suspension of disbelief. Needles to say, I will not be continuing to watch this show.

A fail of epic proportions. 2/10

Okay. I admit that I am only filling in time until the next G of T episode airs. However, I kind of like Crossbones, though I do have a few bones of my own to pick.

First of all: who is this Richard Coyle guy and why have I never heard of him until now? He, alone, is worth tuning into this series. Tour de force, all the way, despite the ridiculous abilities he's supposed to have and the silly things he sometimes has to say.

Julian Sands, one of my all-time favorite actors is SO BAD, so appallingly bad, he actually gives new meaning to "stinking up the screen." Why, Julian, WHY? Is it the Director? You play every scene like you WANT your career to be over. It's painful to watch.

Malkovich is way in over his head, on this one. His accent's all over the place. He can't decide if he's a scholar, a murderous sociopath or a slightly sadist Grand Pooh Bah. Blackbeard was known to be an unusually large man---with a HUGE black beard. It seems we are getting the man-scaped metrosexual version of Blackbeard. Say, I didn't look, but aren't those Gucci white leather thong sandals we see on John's feet?

Who knew Blackbeard was so astonishingly dextrous? I was amazed to see that he could expertly implant acupuncture needles evenly and with ease, covering the entirety of his skull. And all done using only a small hand mirror. Cool. No wonder his fellow pirates worship him.

Clair Foy is fun to watch, once you get past that silly scene on the wharf. Sure, yeah. There she is, stomping around, 103 lbs, soaking wet, and bullying a bunch of gorilla-sized ruffians, anyone of whom could breezily snap her in two, like a popsicle stick. Believable? Yeah, why not? Watch her flounce and fume. Ulp. A little help, here? My eyes got stuck up in the back of my head.

I do love the costumes, the squeaky clean and Ms. America-looking whores. And who's that mysteriously accented Asian? Eurasian? Gypsy? bitch who keeps trying to thwart Blackbeard? Why does the chronometer look brand new, after it was all in pieces and put back together? Where'd the guy get the parts to fix it, if it's some brand new never before seen invention?

Why shouldn't I continue to watch Crossbones? I eagerly await episode three. Something's got to fulfill my need for period-piece drama, while I await the next G of T.

I started watching this because I love John Malcovich. I've seen two episodes so far and it's not bad. I think I will stick with it for a while. TV shows are in such competition these days. There's a lot of really good stuff out there. They could give movies a run for there money. I'm not big into pirates and stuff like that, but so far this is holding my interest. Malkovich plays Black Beard and he does a pretty good British accent, which doesn't surprise me. He's a quality actor and I'm surprised he took on a TV roll. So far this British navel officer, get captured by black beard and taken to his island where kind of a democracy has been set up. So far he is just trying to do all he can to stay alive and he's pretty smart. The script is pretty smart and it has good production value. There was a pretty gruesome hanging scene in it, but they need to step it up a bit more with the intrigue and stuff. I'm interested, but not enthralled and if that doesn't happen eventually, I will give up on it. There is just too many other good shows to waist my time on one that isn't awesome.

No self-respecting pirate (or privateer) in the 1700's would ever be caught dead behaving as "21st century" as these poor sods (actors) were instructed to do by the screenwriter and director. I start rolling my eyes whenever period pieces exhibit modern day dialog ad-nauseum and attach 20th and 21st century cultural ethics. Truth be told I only watched the first 30 minutes of episode 1 - which was far and away more than was necessary. The opening sea battle was ludicrous - the British vessel turning broadsides and opening up with musket fire.... the two ships passing each other and then suddenly stopped and joined at the hip to permit the pirates to stroll over - gah! Onshore - the tough-speaking lady-in-charge ... no. The fast moving doctor tossing black powder onto a severed carotid artery and igniting it to cauterize the wound ... no. The good doctor left alone for any period of time with the valuable instruction book ... no. Blackbeard portrayed as a cross between Socrates and Charlie Manson ... no. AND - overall it's all just TOO CLEAN !! No one so much as farts. The cinematography is quite good - the rest is an outright mess.