The Heat (I) (2013)

Sandra Bullock: Ashburn

Photos 

Quotes 

• Captain Woods : This job is destroying me... you know how old I am?

  Ashburn : Um... um... 58.

  Captain Woods : I'm 43 years old.

  Ashburn : Uh-huh... see I always round up.

  Captain Woods : I have a five year-old son who calls me Grampa.

• Mullins : [in bathroom]  Jesus, what are those?

  Ashburn : Stop it, they're my Spanx. They hold everything together.

  Mullins : Why, what's gonna come popping out?

  Ashburn : Nothing, it just keeps everything where it's supposed to be. Like...

  Mullins : Shit, like medically?

• Ashburn : Could you just close the door on your way out?

  Mullins : I'll shut the door on you. You lay down here and put your head in the door and I'll slam it about 157,000 fucking times.

  Rojas : Aw, shit, girl You'd better run. Run like you're on fire!

• Mullins : You want something to eat? I didn't finish my submarine sandwich from the other day.

  Ashburn : Oh god, no thank you.

  Mullins : Sorry I don't have poached eggs and rubies for ya.

  Ashburn : No, I... I don't mean to be rude but one could catch a MRSA infection in here, that's all.

  Mullins : Yeah, what part of that wasn't rude?

• Ashburn : I'm gonna say this one more time. Stand down, Officer.

  Mullins : Fuck off, Officer.

  Ashburn : Oh, okay. Guess what? Now you've really done it. I'm going to call my boss.

  Mullins : You do that, tattle-tits! Fuckin' narc!

• Ashburn : Okay, here we go.

  [Ashburn goes to pull the fire alarm in the club, and the face plate comes off in her hand] 

  Ashburn : My God, there are absolutely no wires attached to this thing! And what is that?

  [poking at object in recessed fire alarm box] 

  Ashburn : What is that? Gum? Or is that... Silly Putty?

  Mullins : [Slaps Ashburn's hand]  Don't touch that! That's a condom.

  Ashburn : [Ashburn dry heaves] 

• Ashburn : [Ashburn's cell phone rings]  Ashburn.

  [Hands phone to Mullins] 

  Ashburn : Why don't you have your own phone?

  Mullins : What am I, the Queen of England?

  Ashburn : I don't know. Does the Queen of England only wear sweatpants?

  Mullins : Fuck you.

  Ashburn : You... 'F' you.

• Ashburn : [Leans in close to talk to Mullins after waking up in a bar]  Hey, how ya doin'?

  Mullins : Jesus, you've gotta get a mint in that dumpster.

  Ashburn : Oh, God, was I smoking cigarettes last night?

  Mullins : Yeah, you kept takin' 'em out of people's mouths and smoking them.

  Ashburn : God, that's so nasty.

  Mullins : It *was* pretty gross.

• Mullins : [Walking toward a man on the street]  Oh, shit.

  Ashburn : What's wrong?

  Mullins : Just... just don't look. Don't look! Don't look! Just act like we're talking.

  Robin : Hey, Shannon.

  Mullins : Hi, Robin.

  Robin : I really enjoyed our night together, Shannon. You just disappeared on me.

  Mullins : Yeah, I know. I was there.

  Robin : Well, can I take you to dinner? A movie or something?

  Mullins : God, buddy, do you not hear how pathetic everything out of your mouth sounds? I mean, there's a girl out there for you, but it's not... it's not me. Maybe it's her.

  [indicating Ashburn] 

  Mullins : Her lady business is like an old dirty attic. Full of broken Christmas lights and like doll shoes and shit. Why don't you clean THAT out for her?

  Ashburn : Uh, that's a... that's a misrepresentation of my vagina.

• Ashburn : I was actually married for six-some years.

  Mullins : Was he a hearing man?

• Mullins : Get on the ground! You are under arrest. Put your hands up where I can see them and tell me where the fuck Larkin is!

  Dealer : [Cocks gun and points it at Mullins]  Hey, I think It'd be much more better if you put your hands up.

  Ashburn : [Cocks gun and points it at dealer]  Much more better? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot.

  Dealer : Who the fuck are you?

  Ashburn : Me and her? We're the fucking heat!

• Levy : Alright, ladies, here's the DNA results from the book of matches and the cigarette butt you got from Tatiana's. We pulled two sets of prints. First one's a real nut job. Look at this: reckless driving, assault, arson...

  [pulls up Mullins' photo on the screen] 

  Ashburn : [clears throat] 

  Levy : Oh, God.

  Ashburn : Really?

  Mullins : Who the fuck is this guy?

  Ashburn : He's my assistant. What...?

  Levy : Uh, you know I'm an agent, right?

  Ashburn : Arson?

  Mullins : It was a drug house!

  Levy : [Ignored as he holds up his ID badge, whistles, and taps on it] 

  Ashburn : I really feel the need to finish reading your files because this is just...

  Mullins : I really feel the need for you to stay out of my business so I don't punch you in the teeth.

• Mullins : Who closes the door to take a shit?

  Ashburn : Humans.

• Ashburn : [Horn blows twice. A mini-van slowly drives up to Ashburn and Mullins as they are walking on the street. The van's windows are down, and the radio is blasting Boston's "More Than a Feeling" as the driver flips off Mullins]  Who is... who is that?

  Mullins : My mom.

• Mullins : Two against two. I like those odds.

  Ashburn : I'm gonna call for backup.

  LeSoire : [Whispers]  It's already here.

  Ashburn : Hey, I was looking for you. I forgot to get your number.

  LeSoire : Cool. It's 1-800-GiveMeYourFuckingGuns.

  Ashburn : That's too many numbers.

• Ashburn : [getting angrier]  God, you guys are just - what is the matter with you? You're such... you're just such jerks! You're just such... shit jerk! You're just a shit jerk dick... fucker! You're a shit jerk dick fucker assholer. And you can all just go fuck yourselves!

• Ashburn : [after drunkenly breaking a glass and cutting her hand]  Ah. Ah. I don't - I don't feel it. I don't feel it.

  Mullins : [laughs hysterically while raising Ashburn's arm]  Keep it up!

• Mullins : I see you have a cat.

  Ashburn : Yep.

  Mullins : Is he around? Because I'd kinda like to, you know, pet him and stuff.

  Ashburn : He ran away when I was in New York.

  Mullins : [getting emotional]  Oh God, that tears me up.

  Ashburn : Yeah, it was a loss.

  Mullins : The cat got one look at your shitty life and said "no fucking thanks, man. I am outta here."

  Ashburn : I'm still kinda just grieving a little bit about it.

  Mullins : That fucking tabby is an asshole. That's what he is. Fuck you. Fuck you, that's what I say to that cat. God damn it.

  [gives Ashburn a hug] 

  Mullins : Such a shitty, shitty little life. You can't even keep a cat.

• Mullins : Tatiana, you ready to get real?

  Tatiana : Let's get real.

  Mullins : We both know you've been blowing shit up your nose all day. Man, there's nothing I'd love more to do than slip into my camisole, put my feet up, have a little smack, Real good time, maybe a couple of cold ones, a little chip and dip, watch some cartoons. I'd get a big bowl of fucking coke, I'd put my face in it, cut it with a little Ritalin, heaven on fucking Earth, right? I'll camp out all week for tickets to that show.

  Ashburn : What is this, Training Day?

• Ashburn : [referring to Mullins]  That officer right there is a better law enforcement officer than *anybody* in this room. Myself included.

• Ashburn : Wow, your windows are all boarded up.

  Mullins : Yeah, I've got the glass, I just don't have the... you know, the window blankets.

  Ashburn : Curtains? You mean the curtains?

  Mullins : Whatever.

• Mullins : What're you looking at?

  Chris Gethard : I like how your friend's shorts make me feel in my shorts. I am sorry, that was much cruder than I meant it to be.

  Ashburn : Stand corrected on the shorts. Let's proceed.

• Mullins : Guess you and her are engaged now, huh?

  LeSoire : What?

  Ashburn : Well, cause...

  [shows a ring pulled from a grenade] 

  Ashburn : you just gave me a ring MUTHAFUCKA!