- In order to get good basketball tickets, Max avoids telling a woman who's interested in him that he's gay. Alex's efforts to be smarter pose a threat to Dave and Jane.
- Discussions of Kathryn Bigelow marrying and divorcing and marrying to make her name Kathryn Bigelow Bigelow Bigelow: Male Giggolo aside (and don't even ask me to throw in the foursome with George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley from Wham!), getting to the Bulls game was tough for the guys, mainly because Dave (Zachary Knighton) thinks everyone who tries to scalp tickets is a cop. Even the kid from the church group. (DAVE: I told you, Chicago PD has a Jump Street unit!) Nor could they watch it on TV, because Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) had commandeered the set. (ALEX: Consider this TV Liam Neeson's daughter, because this bitch is Taken.) Again, Dave's fault for losing cable at their apartment. Fortunately for Max (Adam Pally), he had a solution. While trying to hide from an annoying guy he slept with (MAX: I blame beer goggles, but he was the last gay guy in the bar so I also have to blame queer goggles, and he gave me a piece of his bagel, so I also have to blame shmear goggles.), he struck up a conversation with an attractive woman in a bar, Katie (Abby Elliott). And leaves out the little part about being gay when he finds out she had Bulls tickets near the bench.
Alex was none too happy about being needled about her choices of television (like Baby Justice...a four-year-old is sheriff of a small town), so she decidd to hit the books, and the newspaper (not a tabloid newspaper) and smarten herself up. (ALEX: I'm as serious as this mess in Washington! Did I get that right? I only got halfway through the article.) Naturally, neither Jane (Eliza Coupe) nor Dave thinks she can do it. (DAVE: You gave up on the AFI Top 100 Comedies when you found out Harold and Maude didn't make it to White Castle.) Dave has to rub it in when he catches Alex reading The Global Financial Crisis. So he tries to explain how the economy works, but she thinks he's feeding her the same BS the banks tried to feed us with mortgage-backed securities. (uh-oh) (DAVE: Dear God, what did that mean?)
Meanwhile, Penny (Casey Wilson) and Brad (Damon Wayans Jr.) weren't going to take Max rubbing it in their faces about going to the Bulls game (and almost getting thrown out for snapping upshort pictures of the players with his smartphone.) But how do you prove Max is gay when he was the least-gay person of the group? He didn't have tons of skin lotion (that was Brad), pictures of guys with goatees (that was Dave), or any gay porn (that was Alex)? There was still Thumb Face Larry...or Larry now, since he was part of Penny's evil plan to get Max out of the closet again. And it started to work...until Brad found out Katie had a third ticket to the Bulls game. Now Larry was simply a business partner instead of a sexual one.
PENNY: (to Brad) What about...the truth?
BRAD: Oh, right. (to Katie) Penny and Max used to date, and she's still in love with him. so any claims she makes should be dismissed as the rantings of a jealous madwoman.
Dave was going crazy because Alex might be smarter than him now. (JANE: You thought army guys wore camelflage.) He decided to smarten himself up with some library books...that he left on the grill at his restaurant. Jane, however, was thrilled to be able to talk to her sister on an intellectual level. That is, until she vetoed Alex's order of ribs for lunch and told her what she could eat. Alex knew this was a case of an obsessive need to control, which was quite common in older siblings. (Does it work if you're the youngest of 7 kids? Do they still try to control you?) No, Jane was not happy to be called out on it.
But Alex wasn't finished; she was throwing a salon, which is what they call a party for smart people. (ALEX: Tonight is going to be a veritable Who's Who of people who respond to flyers on community college bulletin boards.) Penny decided to ask Alex for advice about her Max situation, and she recommended Sun Tzu. (PENNY: Dave's friend who always tries to sell me yarn?) Alex pointed out being Max's ex, she has intimate knowledge of the things that repulse him and she should turn her weaknesses into strengths. Alex was liking the new Alex, and DVDs of Jackass: The Movie (2002) and a Japanese game show weren't going to change her. Nor was the modeling glue Jane brought...although Dave liked it.
Penny's Sun Tzu-inspired plan? Apologize to Katie and admit she still had a thing for Max "down there." Which discouraged Katie a bit, given Max and she hadn't kissed yet. (Well, they tried forekissing, and it's too difficult to explain.) Penny told her that was the precursor to mind-blowing sex, and Katie shouldn't let Max keep her at bay any longer. Although Brad would prefer at least until after the Jay-Z concert. He tells Max he'll have to do the deed with Katie to keep the concert tickets.
MAX: Hey, I can do anything this guy sets his mind to.
BRAD: (testing him) Lady butt.
MAX: Gross! Why are they so weird and hairless?
As Alex discovers the hardway intellectual people can be arrogant jerks, Katie was going in for the kill with Max. Although he did have his defenses, like a Schindler's List (1993) DVD, a documentary on female circumcision, and a compression sleeve Katie could wear over her breasts. But he finally caved and admitted he was gay. Which Katie sort of figured, although she didn't know why. (MAX: At first, it was about your sweet-ass Bulls tickets. But then I got to know you...and then it was still about your sweet-ass Bulls tickets.) And she left. No, they didn't get to go to the Jay-Z concert. Penny, however, got to go thanks to her shared "duped by gay guys" she had with Katie.
As for Alex, Dave and Jane apologized for what they did, but Alex admitted the people at her party were vicious when you mix up the id and the ego even once. So, she would still study, but the TV programs were back. As for her party, it was fun taking a fire extinguisher to the hipster losers. (ALEX: Got that one right in the 'nads!)
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